okay, so its been a while.
i've been keeping a written journal lately.
so we can blame my lack of internet life updates to a real journal.


tonight is bizarre. and boring. and no one is around.
its so terrible i don't even want to write, actually.

just a smidgen.

on my head.

its really in a million places, I am absorbed in all this free time I've had today. My first day off in weeks, from both class and work.. and I feel bored. It was a pretty brilliant day. Yousef and I hung out with Amanda and Allen and then went to Manny, John, and Ericks house for a tad. After we went on an adventure and didn't return home until, about four thirty in the morning. We slept in until like one o clock or so, maybe later. We lounged for a bit, i made us french toast and we were out the door again. Only this time to visit a friend of his from FDU.

He skipped class and we were lazy once again, ha. But he went to work. He'll be back tonight at like four am.  None of my roommates are home. I called my friend Karson from home to chat it up. But now I'm bored again, and slightly exhausted, and alone. Well, pete my kitten is in bed with me? Music is my TV and I am just relaxing, letting my mind wander in swirls, thinking so thickly, sensitive to so many things.

I feel like i am writing as I am thinking, I apologize. I need to clear my head.

coming together.

everything has been pretty brilliant, and has been coming together.

in a few days, internet and cable will finally be hooked up in my apartment. for a month, we've been living without internet, minus the small bit we get in one room when our neighbors are home, and without TV. Its not hard, but frustrating when you need to research for school, or check your email to find out class has been canceled. I'll prolly be online a tad more often.

other things are coming together also, interesting or not. Our kitchen is the cutest, we finally have a quaint little table and chairs, placemats, flowered silverwear, funky plates, and odd kitchen gadgets.

our living room is a disaster, only because we have nothing for it still. But, with rent due in a few days, I believe we will be buying couches and such within the week. Its pretty pathetic looking to be honest, clean, but dull.

I painted my room blood red, bright red. My sheets are golden satin, and my bedspread is red, orange, yellow, purple, magenta, etc- all the hues and colors of the red palet. There is a small desk and my closet is organized. I'm getting a dresser in the next few days so that my clothes won't be on the floor forever.

I am so thrilled with this apartment.

My boyfriend comes over often, which is great. Mostly because it was a lot more difficult to get together or even talk over the summer. I mean, once we started going on dates we made time to actually go on the next, and after we made it more official, we worked around eachothers schedule happily. We spend a lot of time together, even if its weird time. He usually comes over after work, four, five, six, one time seven in the morning. So most of our time consists of sleepovers and a smooch before one of us runs to class. But we make the time count, even if we are sleeping. I don't mind having someone to snuggle with anyways, even if its only a few hours. Things are good, I think its safe to say. Its been a week long sleepover, going on two.


Life is good, busy but great. Wish i had more time to see my friends, I go to work, class, sleep, and sometimes go out. Its harder to go out and do things when i know I have a house to take care of too. I'm hoping as i get more situated, I will be able to see more friends more often.





yeah, the end.

hey real quick.

i am going to make this very brief for two reasons, one because I have a lot of shit do today that can not be wasted on online blogging, and two because I am borrowing my housemates laptop since mine is no longer recently alive.

but i wanted to take these five minutes to stop and appreciate how good things are for the moment. everyone is so quick to complain, myself included, so for a change I am going to do the opposite. I've just moved out, its been a week. I have a lovely duplex home/apartment type place to live with three other fantastic girls. Its a ten minute drive to school and a five minute drive (i can even walk!) to work. Its reasonably priced as well. We all have our own rooms. We have almost a brand new kitchen. We have a balcony of the living room. We have painters coming in today to give it a fresh coat, and carpet cleaners already took care of the floors. We are all in love with our new little place. I am very content with living here, and not at school, or even driving from home. My room faces the street. A quiet and charming montclair street, I wake up to kids walking to school, a train rolling in a block away, and the sound of airplanes. I think at this point anyone who knows me understands how much i love airplanes. I am so happy and thrilled to be moved out, and feel more accomplished that even though it will be hard, I am paying for everything on my own.

the second great thing going on in my life, is that i have come to terms with a lot of my friendships. Such as, I have learned how to let go of trying to be friends with people who clearly have no mutual interest. Maybe, they will come around. But I've been calling, texting, visiting, attempting to visit, inviting, etc manyy manyy people out these past two-three weeks trying to express my love and interest in these friendships. I have found that maybe, they will come around. But in the mean time I am lucky to have multiple other good friendships that have been taking of my time and lonely fears. Lunch dates. evening romps, mini shopping sprees, ikea visits,  town romps, walks, drinking nights, etc. I am so happy and fortunate to have everyone in my life, regardless of how often or little I see them.

and lastly, which may be the least talked about topic in my life, for fear of jinxing it, I have a boy in my life these days. Which is brilliant in multiple ways, but to save myself from sounding like a cheese ball or some repetitive romance novel, I will spare details. Basically, we both agree that we have almost effortless chemistry, and I can't say its ever been so good before. And just to throw out how great he is, this boy got home from work at six in the morning, woke up at eleven, and drove to my home town all the way from Fort Lee to help me move out.

anyways, happy days. Today, I am going to Ikea for a new room, home depot for paint, and whole foods for yummy vegetarian goodness.

mid august.

and i can't believe its, well.. mid august. I have decided with little arguing with myself that I worked too much this summer. On a positive note, it gave me responsibility, a place to be besides home, and a reason to not spend my summer bored and alone. But with that, I missed out on a decent amount of thing, like vacations and catching up with friends.

its really hard to stay in touch with everyone you love and care about more than just a hey whats up via myspace message every three weeks. but i can say, that i tried. and i can also say, that in return most of my friends, did not try. I am looking forward to go back to school to see familar faces and old friends. I don't think I established to many friendships though, I met a lot of people, but hung out with the same five both semesters. I don't think anyone is looking forward to seeing me. I sound like an emotional mess, but I assure you I am okay with this.

In a review of the summer so far, I can say it was a summer of responsibility and freedom. I worked six to seven days a week, and commuted to work. -just to fold scene kids tee shirts and ring up angry parents. But I am not complaining. Being so far from home gave me the oppurtunity to be everywhere. I spent my summer in friends beds, in montclair, wycoff, and fort lee. I spent weekends in the city with friends and coworkers, as well as some fun house parties and other assorted events. In a sense, I feel lucky that I was able to take time out of my day to actually enjoy people.

on a not to fun note, i'm so stressed about school. I want to transfer so badly. I still don't have housing. My parents won't help me move out, which means I have to maintain an almost full time job, take seventeen credits, drive my ass around, and feed myself. I'm unsure if I can do this on my own. SO, I almost dropped out of school so I could afford to move out of this damn county, and was going to take night classes at FIT. So work all day, school at night. But, I don't think I am doing that anymore. SO hectic. Anyways, I'm off.. its 11pm but I have to be up at six to get my car fixed. {tire blew doing seventy on eighty, woo, in pine brook! hispanic guy in an audi named roberto who spoke no english and was shorter than me changed it for me, double woo} and after, I am either off to the shore with my boy and his friends, where we will meet nikki (shes on vacation there) or he is going to come up here so we can kayack or something. So sleep deprived.

lame.

it's as though no one thinks I am human these days. Hello, I too get offended or hurt or downright angered by others peoples actions of lack of actions. I have the worst luck with friends, my whole life. I need new friends. With the exception of about three people. You know who you are, and I thank you a thousand times over for always being there, meeting me half way on actually being friends, and always being sincere and understanding.



ugh. people.

december 31st 2006

was when this was written and I am getting rid of an old blog, and this entry stuck out, as it is a review and list of goals of 2006.


reflection.
I'd like to silver line this and drench you in boastful lines of my accomplishments and memorable moments before this year concludes. But in all honesty, I can't. And it is not because I had a bad year. This year, regardless of its lowest lows, was really incredible. For one, I'm still here, I'm breathing. I'm not starving. I'm in good health. I'll keep the things I looked upon as milestones in my life in my head, jumbled with all my other thoughts.
But this year was an in depth year of self-awarness. and growth. I laid the line down for what future I'm interested in. I discovered some hidden emotional strengths I never knew I had. I faced loss, and trust, and honor. I rose above people that pissed me off and I stuck with the ones I love.
But as this year comes to an end.. I just want to soak it all in. But I can't. For one I have a horrible visual memory.. and two.. There is to much! But I wanted to say this, for myself.
With what has happened, good or bad, and will happen in the future, I'm so ready. Show me the world and bring on my life because I feel ready. I'm looking forward to understanding myself more this new year (as I don't know who I am) and to facing new challenges. I have so many goals, and each day that passes is one day less I have untill I achieve them.
I'm going to get into a collge I love. I will keep the relationships I established with friends in high school. I'm going to get lost on one of those islands in may. I'm going to count my basketball bruises like blessings. I'm going to learn more sign language so I can communicate with my brother. I'm going to fight seniorits as best I can (not!), I'm going to value the people I look up to even more this year, I'm going to get tickets to olympus fashion week bryant park again, I'm going to learn how to ballroom dance, I'm going to finish Houston, I'm going to deliver an incredible president farewell speech at STATES, I'm going to seek out full happiness in everything I do so I never feel like I wasted a breath. No regrets. Its 2007 and I'm so ready to be challenged again.
bring it on.