george segal.

it strange how so much can happen in twenty four hours or so. If there is anyone that can do the most random assortment of things and make it to another twenty four hours of chaos, its me. That isn't even meant to be cocky, its more of a complaint.

1. amanda and i dressed up. we looked hott. i wore a backless skin tight black dress with a yellow cardigan andd crazy scraf that i got from a thrift store. Amanda decked herself out in clad browns and grays with a funky scraf and a bit of pink. We had complete intentions of getting into a club into the city. A friend she went to high school with was hosting some event and was certain she could get us in. Well, an hour later, left out in the cold, our fingers swollen and amandas scabs acttually bleeding we decided we looked like idiots. And we made our way to a coffee shop. We drank hot chocolate to the point where our bodies burned from the warm unknown substance. It practically shocked us. After some more waiting we ate a creepe, called the delicious creepe. Of course I asked for the "delicious creep." haha.

2. When we sat waiting for the path train to take us to hoboken I decided to profile everyone. There are five types of riders.
a) the first is the lonely, oddly dressed, possibly homeless sleeping person. He or she sits on the trians, head bobbling, and occasionally lifting his or her head to see if it the stop they've been waiting or sleeping for.
b) the second comes in groups. Its the group of crazy bitches, drunk, stumbling in heels, and loudly chatting about everything their evening consisted of.. or at least they remember. They come in swarms. and they stay in their cluster trying to keep their half naked bodies and friends half naked bodies warm.
c) straight up creep. We've all experienced this one. last night some guy was walking around asking people to punch him in the face. How weird are you? seriously. enough saidd on the creep. subject.
d) the technologic, single, thirty year old bussiness man. He has his messenger bag, his iphone, his keys to his BMW, a laptop, and a pair of sneakers to change into. They are usually godd dayum hot. andd so are their friends.
e) and then there are the normal people. like us. moms and dads and teens and students and people just trying to go places in the real world. looking at a-d to pass the time.

3. i believe i found a hook up for my fake.

4. nikki and i got matching tattoos today. "foxxy" in our inner bottom lip. We were in and out within twenty minutes and i made it just in time for work. it barely hurt too. I was expecting a lot worse. I mean, okay yes it was painful it wasn't like fuckin picking a bunch of buttercups. But it sure as hell wasn't like getting the ink i already have. i am afriad its going to fall out, i'm hoping it doesn't.

5. i have terrible luck and i've just given up. 99% i have given up. i have one more percentage thats hope.

6. its snowing, snow ruins my life. I was supposed to go home to the burg tonight to see all my belovedddd boys who are all home from school for jjs birthday. they are celebrating hard and i'm here in montclair blogging my life away. i'm so awesome. i fucking miss them. they are the best dood friends a girl could ever ask for.

7. i am the only student in my speech class to have recieved a full A on our last speech. this makes me happy because i love speaking and it makes me think of all the speeches across the country I used to do. I miss it dearly. Sometimes i still want to go into public relations, just to speak. My professor said I gave a good speech. Yo, thanks brah.

8. good thing i'm missing tomorrows events as well. no one will cover for me. sweet.

the end. i am going to the diner with nikki anddd johnny for eggs. i havn't had food all day minus the crackers in my room and they are being slow. for the love of my stomach and little hungry self, hurry up lovies...!



george segal, great american sculptor. born in manhattan back in the thirties or so. incredible sculpture artist. has public work all over. even here at my college. he uses plaster, newspaper, and chicken wire trying to create mundane, every day situations andd emotions. high interest in the working class.


walk, don't walk.


couple in bed.


airport.


girl friends.


forget the name, but it is in christopher park NYC. he loves bench people.

hello where is your life.

my life this past week in high lights and low lights. numbered in ten for your reading pleasure.

1. Nikki and i went to our favorite little club spot in the city tuesday night. I don't know why we dance so hard, sober. But we do. Put the music on and we are on the floor. Chances are we won't dance with you because we've got eachother. And we dislike creepers. But we rule at rocking hard.

2. Worst hit-on story of my life at the same bar and club. Some like, thirty something year old man took a seat next to me. He casually leans in, obviouslyy trying to slip somethin smooth. He says "Do you work at american apparrel?" HA OKAY HIPSTA wana be. So I was like nope. He insisted that he has seen me there, the one in brooklyn. I kept saying no. So he finally says, "Well I am sorry you'll have to excuse me then I must have gotten you mixed up, you see I am on a lot of recreational drugs tonight." Confused at his confession I turn and say, like what? He mumbles like six things and says oh and i just did a line of blow. bye bye pops.

SWEET. i seriously find all the fuckin winners.

3. Nikki cut my hair today it looks awesome because it is an out of control mess. Like took scissors to it and we trashed it to pieces.

4. I also went to hoboken with nikki the other day. We strolled back alleys of streets and corners trying to find beautiful pictures and little niches. It was pleasent. We walked blocks and blocks and stopped for a starbucks coffee and chatted for some time. I'm really fortunate to have nikki as a friend, i think we are both lucky that we met eachother. You really wouldn't understand it unless you saw us together. We have something working for us. Even sitting and sipping coffee and not saying a word is a conversation all in its self.

5. I have not slept in my own bed since monday night. i like this because I am out doing things, living life.

6. After the club ordeal nikki and i walked back from campus at 4:36am. It was the nicest walk i had taken in a long time. The air was gray and quiet. No one was on campus. It was refreshing to see the world differently.

7. I need to get off work saturday so I can see jaci play at mainstage. and also visit my friends from home.

8. I give up on boys forever. Pretty much all my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends. if they don't they are regularly hooking up with someone. I am constantly the third wheel or misplaced one amongst double dates and going home to visit my lover on the weekends. I feel like its a whole culture that I am not a part of and don't understand. It has been an oddly long time since I cared for someone in a specific way, let alone loved someone. I fear my comfort in this and my ongoing security in my independence may never allow me to feel comfortable with anyone else as a steady ordeal. I want too much out of a real relationship. My next one will be meaninful. But in the process I am happy in my single spot.

9. I am going home this friday to hang and party with my beloved boys that I went to high school with. These doodz i loveee so much. We party hard, we chill harder. I can tell them anything. Its like having the big brothers I never had. Good times. Good memories.

10. I need a fake ID.


the end.
bla bla bla bla
lets do something fun.
interest me. intrigue me.
i am so boredd of
the norm. yes you.

home.

i went home for the daytime today to visit my family before work. This is the third time I've been home since January 20th. I kind of feel guilty because I feel like I am falling out of the lives of my younger siblings. If I had an older brother or sister I might look up to them and want to see them. I don't know I just don't want to become the "oh i have an older sister. she is in college, i saw her for christmas."

my little brother scratched his cornea. and is in terrible pain. He walks around grabbing his eye patch with both hands, squinting the other eye grumbling pathetically. I feel awful for him because it is said to be very painful. and being that he is autistic and has an extremly sensitive sensory system- I can't even immagine how much worse it is for him.

coming home also reminds me why I dislike coming home though. I almost never seem to see eye to eye with my parents. I've always had to fight my way into what I felt was best for me, everything. Maybe thats why I have such a straight forward mindset? No matter what, fighting to be allowed to play my senior year basketball season, fighting to go to college for the carreer i wanted, fighting to be allowed out of the house, fighting fighting fighting. I've been having serious chats with my mom lately about ink. She is still unaware that I have a tattoo. I know she would practically disown me. My father would pretend he only had three children. I told my mom to start accepting that, although I can not do everything myself, I'm still an adult. I pay for school, bought my own car, work two jobs, and stay out of trouble. I can make big girl decisions. One of my big girl decisions will be me getting a tattoo. And although you don't like them I do and because it will be for me it will be where i want it to be instead of hiding it out of fear of my parents. If it'll be permanent I will put it where I please. She did not agree but understood.

I told her today I want to get it soon. She gave me "the" face. And told me a better find a place to live. My aunt knows I have ink and totally disagrees with my parents. I think I may call her to see if I can live in one of her spare bedrooms over the summer. Hello East Hanover?

I was able to play with my favorite dog today, Madison. If you know anything about me which I am not getting into, you will know I've had many dogs my whole life, showed dogs, bred dogs, traveled the east coast working for handlers. anyways, Madison is amongst my favorite dogs of all time. When I sleep at home, she sleeps in my bed. I take her with me when I go to the P.O Box, pick up my sisters from school, or simply when I go for a walk. She has this undying spark of happiness and this silly attitude.

the drive was so nice today. I watched the highways and buildings fade to back roads and fields. I watched gray smog filled skies slip into hues of blues. I listened to landing airplanes hum right into songbirds. Apartments to diners. it made me miss home. late night diner romps with Karson for cookies and coffee. Sneaky sleepovers at Heathers with danny and bree, drinking ourselves silly. It made me think of the waterfalls, and walpack, and the trails behind my house. Once spring comes, its on. adventure that is.

well, here are some adorable snapshots of madison. and me minus the adorable part. love her.

taken through the trees.

shes so adorable.

and fun.

hugs?

part of the beautiful view from my house. its incredible for lightning storms and sunsets and firework viewing and clear star gazing nights.

love the angle?

fighting?

this angle too!

hello 2:43am.

bla bla bla is all thats in my head.




i wish i could sleep. but then sleeping would mean dreaming the things i don't want to see while i am awake. there has to be more than my lonely 2x2 dorm room, slaving myself away in books and two jobs and nights that turn into morning. please lie and say there is more, because i believe in it so deeply, in fact i will end up where i want to be.

just give me time, some more sleepless nights, and passion. i will never give up. ever.
goodnight.

judy pfaff.

life lately has been interesting to say the least, not exactly exciting though. a series of ridiculous events. I'm going to high light the events in no specific order of crazy or odd things that happened to me in the past few days.

1.) I was shocked or lightly electricuted while trying to unplug a cable. It left me with an odd tingle sensation and allllot to bitch about. for a good our my roommate had to deal with my SHIT FUCK DAMNITs, and soggy arm.

2. ) I almost recieved an alchohal violation. Luckily, I was sober and just visiting some bros upstairs. In their loudness and drunkness I decided I should leave. As I had my hand on the door to leave the director of my dorm building knocked on the door. In this instance, some guy opened the door, leaving me pinned behind it as they boys yelled lesbian slurs at her and threw furniture around. I was just like look, I'm sober I was just leaving because it was out of control. And she let me go.

3.) After that I went to hang out with nikki, john, manny, eric, kevin, and jenna in bohn. we chilled to minus the bear, took a walk in the start of the new snowfall to the diner, and then watched the office box set from like 12-5am. yeah.. manny kevin and i shared the floor while everyone else piled in beds. nights like these make me so happy, in good company and in good fun.

4.) Last night I was feeling funny so I took a nap. When I woke up, my whole body was ungodly soar. This always happens to me right before or while I have a fever. Nikki came over and kept me compant for a bit. But I was in bed from like four pm to eight am. I was so uncomfortable. Hot, cold, soar, itchy. It was an awful over night fever. I ended up sleeping naked with the windows open on the tile floor- thats how hottt i was. And being that I am against medication I had to literally sweat it out.

5.) Fevers give me weird dreams. I had a dream I was in a car accident (well to make a long story short) and i felt the pain and saw my body sloppy all over the pavement. and i called me mom to say goodbye and she yelled at me and said i was dreaming. (in my dream) I also had an assortment of crazy dreams. Reoccuring dreams. All sorts. It was an awful sleep, I woke up every hour on the dot.

6.) Love when my roomies go away because it equals being in my underwear all weeekend long. not that i don't do that when they are here but. So much bettttter when they aren't here.

7.) Not going home this weekend. ps so lets make plans.

8.) Saw a cute couple kissing at the bus stop today, kissing like nothing else and no one else mattered but the moment. people like this remind me to keep believing. Its been such a long time since I met someone nice.

9.) On the topic of someone worth it, on my recent trip to my fave vintage hot spot, I found a mens yellow and navy 1982 track jacket.. It was such a goood find and at only three dollars I had to purchase it. I'm going to give it to someone who would realllly love it.

10.) I have four options on how to live life tonight. art exhibit. a show. veg in my room. or let saturday night happen and go with the flow. hmm

anyays, k bye. here is judy pfaff. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVEEEEEE her. incredible sculpture artist, among other talents. most of her work is taken from junk and throw away objects she finds on the streets of brooklyn. You'll enjoy her quirkyness.















okay so its a lottta pfaff but, i said i loveeed her ;)

the last twenty for hours

have been noteably wonderful. I feel like i don't deserve all the fun I am having. I havn't been this content and happy in months and months. I can not write when I am happy, but I am.

i'm fuzzy. and only nikki knows what that means.

roy lichtenstein.

whoa my life lately?

valentines day was interesting. besides it being like any other day, and having a fun schedule of classes, it was still fun. I went to a friends valentines day type party, most of us who were single. thus turning into a somewhat singles party- even though we all know eachother and are friends. I celebrated my valentines day wit barb and nancy, my two forties. Manny slept over in need of a bed, and while he slept i continued the party by heading up stairs to chill with some doodz. I didn't return to my dorm until six am. And i was still able to give my six minute speech in the morning. kudos perhaps?

something semi shitty happened late that night/early that morning which can not be discussed via public cyberworld. ha gooood luck finding my private blog.

friday was kind of lame. First I had work and i got out pretty late. After work i plopped myself in my dorm, and did.. nothing. untill some people from upstairs called me to hang out. Which was okay. Mostly boring. everyone was drunk out of their mind, and i was sober out of mine. I had a bad feeling about staying because A.) it was 2am and the music was blasting. B.) The RA had already knocked and said cool it. C.) The RA that knocked was the super strict one. D.) There were beer cans everywhere- not even in the garbage, just everywhere.

So I decided to leave to overhear the RA downstairs saying, "I don't give a shit, they don't think I'll call the cops, hell I will. All I have to do it wait for him." So i went back upstairs and was like yo dood they DID call the cops on you (they didn't believe me before) after i explained they mad rushed to clean up the place and one of the guys girlfriend who was visiting my school with her chick friend, i had them chill in my room so they wouldn't get in trouble. That was that night.

Saturday after work adam invited me to a few parties. John came. It was like a coworker fest. Adam and I split a really good bottle of red wine which had us feelin pretty dayum good after two glasses. The party was cute. valentines day survival party. ha. I stopped and started drinking early because I saw the condition of my friends and realized I would have to drive to the next party. The next party was pretty fun and cute and just a few mix of people. It was adams sisters 21st ordeal. Nikki came with me also, and so did john and manny. Nikki and I split another bottle of wine which did nothing for me. There was a supa creepsta at the party who was kicking it to nikki and i like he was going to get in bed with us both. I had fun just bull shitting him the whole night. Told him i moved out of london when I was a young teen to harford CT and i just transferred to montclair, and now my family lives outside of redbank. To my luck, he pulls out a student ID that says University of CT and wants to talk abut CT. At thi point, with him in my face and keeping nikki near by, I literally looked at the kitchen table and made a mad dash to sit on this guys lap I had never met before and put my arm around him. yeah? I did this like three times to this poor guy named eric. I don't know if he minded but it saved me from the short, fake n bake forty year old in a navy striped polo. oi.

I had to drive adam back to work the next morning. earlyy. and it just so happened that not only would his car start- he had a flat tire. oi.

Once I got back to my dorm. I PASSED THE FUCK OUT! I overslept and was almost late for work. Since i still keep my waiting job at home.. its an hour and twenty minute drive or so and it was one fifteen and I had work at three. BUT I needed to go home and change.

Last night on the way to school I picked up a box of hair color. When i got on campus, nikki and I decided to dye eachothers hair at like two am. yeah. her hair came out gorgeous and dark. mine was supposed to be a red-brown but it only came out okay. its a tint of red. and i am slightly mad at it and feel like dying it almost black. ha.

anyways montclair sucks. its presidents day and i believe we are the only campus with class. minus my italian professor who canceled class for today. so i had an eleven thirty and a seven. such a gap.

Things I have to do:
1.) Speech outline.
2.) Italian homework.
3.) Need like twenty new sketches for my portfolio.
4.) Schedule an interview with FIT
5.) make it stop raining.
6.) Out on clothes otherwise I'll use it as an excuse to not do any of the above.







roy himself in front of his own works. =)
great american pop artist.

seriously.

dear carmella
are you really satisfied with the choices you have recently made? you were doing so well.





ugh. sometimes i have to remind myself that i am a total idiot, with hope that i won't do it again.
hence this note-to-self.

in all forms.

in all forms, there is beauty. everything reflects eachother, is inspired by, and simply bleeds natural beauty. today it snowed; in fact it iced so terribly. so terribly. the roads were caked in slush and clumps of discolored snow. the sidewalks were non exsistant. i did fifteen miles an hour the whole way home from work.

and now the world is glazed over with a thin sheet of delicate ice, and it continues to grow ever so slightly. i took a small, brisk walk this late evening to witness this. and instead of complaining about the mess, the cold, the heeps of ice and snow, the freezing rain, i decided to try and see the world differently and as it was. beautiful. it's incredible how one small change, such as in the weather, such as in a few inches so snow- changes everything. it changes every way we see the world in that moment. its beautiful how everything will look different. you can really see the world in a different way. and i did just that. so inspiring.

tonight i have cracked the windows, so i can hear the faint sound of hail binging off the glass.




i'm feelin the upcloseness. beauty in all shapes and sizes, all natural forms.

salvador dali.

I had that strange dream again. Where I'm sitting in a white room, or cubicle at a chair. There are no windows, rugs, paintings, anything; except a bright white room. But, there is one open doorway, with no door. My back faces the doorway, and thus i can not see it. But what i can see in front of me is another chair, also white in color. I sit there patiently and calmly waiting.

and i wait because someone comes through the doorway and they casually walk to the matching chair in front of me. These people who come to me, are everyone in my life, recent and old. People I have met just the day before and friends from middle school. I listen as they speak, they speak to me with honesty and injected with truth serum. They confess to me everything there ever was between us, lies, love, and all else unsaid. And not for a minute to I feel any sort of emotion besides relief. It is as if nothing else matters, but listening, being intwind in that very moment hearing the pronounciation of every vowel, of how their tongue rolls off their teeth. and when he or she is finished they close their statements, and simply get up and walk away, exiting the oppisite side they walked onto, and another enters.

But these visits are not sad and sorrowful. These people are exactly how i remember them at the apex of our friendship. For example, a current friend of mine came to me last night and walked over with heavy feet, plopped himself in the chair with a big grin on his face and leaned forward to give me knuckles. He had that goofy smile on his face and he started telling me silly stories and throwing old jokes at me. Before he left, he hugged me and made a comment about visiting me at school.

another example is an old friend from high school who i considered a very good friend at some time. She tells me everything all over again, full of sorries and pleading how she misses our friendship. She says its all her fault, she hands me letters we wrote to eachother in class. She hands me back things I gave her. and she leaves upset and shooken up.

perhaps the most strange one is an old crush who comes to me, in that cute way he always did. and he sits on the chair and clears his throat and hands me something he had already gave me a long time ago. He tells me all the things he misses about us, and all the fun things we did. He tells me someday he'll come back to me but he can't right now. He says sorry too. He says everything he ever told me was honest, and still is. But he just can' right now. He gets up to leave and calls me by a nickname.

But everyone comes to me, so vivid and clear, I can see the sparkle in their eyes, the uneven skin tone on their faces, i know what clothes they were wearing right down to the brand. I study their body language and really listen to them. I chime in and respond when appropriate. But I mostly listen. oh, and everyone comes to me. It is as if I am dying and I am the only one who does not know. It is as if everyone wants to tell me they love me, or they care, or that they are sorry. It is really as if I am dying, or perhaps already dead and I am hearing everyone talk to me at my grave, as my casket, in their rooms in prayer.

this is the third time this has happened. Different people show up each time, other more important people come everytime to finish talking. Everyone who comes to me are friends, no family. It is the strangest of dreams.

I wake up calm and collective, like everything is nothing and I am starting fresh. But than I remember its just a dream, wishful thinking, in a bright white evenly sideded room.



i chose salvador dali, god help you if you don't know who he is. Spanish surrealist painter, often compared to Piccaso. I chose him because A LOT of his work has to do with dreaming. And obviously I need no further explination on the coorelation between the art today and my entry.



possibly my fave out of these four.. at least

empty dorm room.

it's returning to a lonely cubicle of stale air, stiff and cold with the lack of life, and followed by an unchanging dark, artificial light that really just makes everything worse. its nights like these, at 3:33am that make me carefully hate montclair.

but i'll cherish the silence and fall asleep facing the skyline, with my mind drifting from day dreams to a silent slumber. i'm going to open the windows and sleep naked.

because even when things suck... there is still so much else to be happy for. good night fucking montclair.

i surrender.

I’ve officially given up, in the most mature and fragile way possible. It is not intended to be negative or frowned upon. I have just simply surrendered myself to the effort, to the attempt. From now on my plan is no plan what so ever. I am going to let life happen. I’m going to stop making plans ahead of time; I’m going to stop trying to make things work. Instead, everything will fall apart and carefully come back together whatever way some hire power or coincidence decides it should be. In the mean time, I’m going to keep doing what I am doing, living life.

And in an honest confession, I am more than frustrated. We all know I am not a patient person. If I want something, if there is something I can attain, oh, you know I’m doing what ever it takes to satisfy the completion. But some things are out of my control. I am going to let opportunity for a change come to me, and I will act on it. Instead of me always making my own opportunities.

This is my new outlook, among other things. Wish me luck.

New friends. New car. New job. New outlook. Maybe I should change my name while I’m at it?

I think I need new ink too… maybe?

Mark Thompson.

I can’t explain my recent and peculiar fascination with airplanes lately. It hit me this morning when I took a pleasant, quiet stroll back to campus at six in the morning. I had a fifteen minute walk, illuminated by light pollution and alive with electricity humming along the railway wires above. This early morning brisk walk was strangely relaxing, a little bit dangerous and even more exciting. When you view anything out of its normal context, it opens your mind to a whole new way of thinking.

There is something about it, the way metal and skin is pinned into the sky. How it fades from my bedroom window into the lights of the city, into the dusk of the sky, into an unknown location. Perhaps I am amazed. Perhaps. From my bedroom window I can look onto the skim of the New York City skyline and let my deepest desires translate into a sweet slumber. It is having my windows open, curtains open, lying naked in the thinnest of sheets, looking out my window into the humming silence- and it being disrupted by the demanding roar of an overhead engine, charging to some sort of location and silently humming away.

The concept does not rest lightly with me, but comfortably heavy. I like to imagine being someone else on some sort of plane in some sort of destination. Am I flying to a funeral for my father or a friend? Do I have another flight before my actual destination? Am I flying to close a business deal? Am I going to meet the doctors who will save my daughters life? Is it simply a vacation? Or is a return home from any of those things?

I’m envious of everyone’s travels. What I would do for a plane ticket to anywhere and some money in my pocket. I’d be happy living in the same clothes for two weeks if it meant living in the rainforest. I’d be happy not knowing a lick of French, Russian or German and ending up there. I’m desperate for change and travel. I want to be in the mix of metal and skin fading away into the light pollution of New York City, humming over my dorm, straight out of my window.

with this current obsession and inspiration it was clear i would have to use airplane art. Sculptures constructed out of airplane junk and debris. brilliant.

he isn't a very popular artist, hence the lack of photos. i know of one other sculpture artists who uses debris, its at the guggenheim but i can not recall her name right now =/

ten things that have recently made me smile.

1) The combined sound of light rainfall, muffled trains in the distance, and crows.
2)Green tea with honey.
3) Mango Hooka.
4) The tree with fuzzy leaves I discovered on my walk to the gym.
5) Having a friend I can depend on.
6) My professor letting us out a half hour early on an hour and fifteen minute class.
7) My favorite minus the bear song coming up first on my shuffle.
8) Sleeping naked with the windows open.
9) Being able to see the new york city skyline from my top bunk.
10) Looking hott (heels, skinny jeans, boob shirt) while running into a guy i used to hook up with.

the end. i'm about to go eat and chat with tony and jason. my lunch babes.

eric fischl

It is evenings like these where oddly nothing comes to play, in some random assorted way, that I honestly dislike montclair. because I feel like there is so much more to this, to whatever or who ever i am than just, being here. in my skin. I want to go. I want to meet new people. i want to make some sort of connections.

but i believe my personal expectations are just too high for my own good sometimes. today i did nothing, and with that i also accomplished nothing. and not accomplishing anything makes me feel like i wasted my day. to compensate:
To DO list before next week:
1) sketch like a man man. woman?
2) keep my fingers crossed for getting that job.
3) but books.
4) create my new work out schedule.
5) come up with a new game plan. fo seriiious.

I believewhat I need right now is a cup of tea and someone. Intriguing and intellectual to discuss interesting matters with, regarding whatever comes to mind. Impulsively communicating with no boundaries. I feel as though it is amongst the best ways to get to know someone new. And I am completely ready for change, of any sorts even slightly negative. Just for the rush to run through my veins, to be faced with a challenge, to stimulate my mind. Anything at all to make me feel out of the ordinary. I’m open and welcoming any sort of change. Preferably good change.

oddly enough, i have found some sort of adventure to ease my mind for the evening. after all the night is still young for me. in the mean time take a gander at eric fischl's artwork. oddly disturbing, slightly sexual, total "surburbia", and says he loves painting things that are unheard of to talk about. nooooice.












my fave ^ ^ ^






more here on his websiiite.
http://www.ericfischl.com/images/images.html

hello insomnia.

for a change, this will be an unrelated art blog. instead i'm going to explain myself for the hope that it will do me some justice at this hour. three in the morning. more than exhausted but unable to sleep. welcome.

its three am and i can not sleep. once again insomnia is taking over my life. if it were up to me, i'd be on a plane to a place i've never been, in the car driving to see an old friend, at a park on a swing, the roof of my dorm, or my favorite childhood place; under the water tower. and oh god i wish i could sleep. i need it so badly, my body is almost weak. thirsting for it, my eyes closing at the brim. but unable. clearly unable. its not the falling asleep thats hard, its the getting to bed.

i am all about loving and enjoying and appreciating life. i find it beautiful in all sorts of ways. the paint peeling from old buildings, the smirks of shy children, the smell of rain on pavement, the connections between two people, getting lost for fun- all beauitiful elements of life. simple and enjoyable. and on top of really trying to value life, i want to live every moment of it. laughing, loving, and overall happy.

with that being said i can not sleep. or at least very often or very much. because i want to live life to the fullest, i feel sometimes that sleep is wasting it. i want to cherish each moment. by this point you probably believe me to be some obnoxious over optimistic person. maybe i am. but i look back and do not regret anything simply because i've enjoyed everything. and for me it has been an effective way of living.

and i'm nineteen. it would be normal for someone my age and especially in this generation to say "i've got a lot more time" but who is to say? i feel old now. i felt old at ten. life isn't about living as long as you can its about making the most of it while you can. did you just comprehend that? did you take it in. read it again. life is not about living as long as you can its about making the most out of life while you can. and thats how i feel. all the time. and sleeping is hard for me.

but there is one way i can sleep, and that is with someone. i'm not even sure why. i believe it may be because i am content spending my time with someone. i do not feel lonely or wasteful. thank god for nikki letting me sleepover so much otherwise i'd be a zombie. for real. but having someone in bed with me keeps me at ease in the hours i dream.

and perhaps that is what is missing in my life. i preach independence, and i show it as well. i am an ambitious, out spoken go getter -i work for what i want and get what i need. but maybe i am missing that connection with a person. maybe i need that link that helps allow this to all make sense. someone to visit museums with, to enjoy the beauty in simple things with, to raid every cafe with, to get tangled in the sheets with. but not just anyone, someone worth it.

am i right?







in the mean time, LOVE when my roommates leave for the weekend. windows open, fresh breeze, some tunes, just finished a beer, and sleepin nude. yeahhh!