where did you go?

last night was more than interesting. Nikki andd I arrived to annex to find that it was bumping, packed with gorgeous boys, hottass chickies, good music, and familar faces. Our friend literally handed us a drink as we walked in the door which was a pleasent surprise. (it was my only drink the whole night though, wasn't feeling the alch)

we danced ourselves to the point of numb feet. haha. there was quite a good loookin fella that danced with me for a bit before he ran to the bar for another drink. he didn't return. Which made sense like twenty minutes later when I walkedd by him making out with another girl. Better her than me honestly because sheesh, i'm not an easy piece. Boys like that expect girls to be easy.

But good news and bad news. I spotted thee most beautiful boy. Well, he spotted me. I felt like it was a scene in the movie. While nikky leaned herself on the bar, fighting for a beer and chatting with our friend Maximillian (who came to chil with us) this boy across the bar in mid conversation with his friends looked up at me. and continued to do so through out his chat. me, i'm like barely able to wack nikki and tell her that I see this dude. He gave me the stare as he walked on by and out of the bar. I saw him come in and had intentions of talking to him but, he left again and this time didn't come back. I was pretty bummedd that I let him get away because, wow.

But good times. Nikki and I loving life with eachother and dancing our asses off. Cedric came and we love him. I danced with for a while tooooo. Like I said Maximillian came also he was a silly drunken mess. But we saw lotsa fun people. So it was a goodddd time.

Nikki and I took the wrong path back and decided to just ride it all the way through untill it would turn around and go back to hoboken. Which, we did. Before hopping in our cars we ate our traditional whole grain bagel toasted with cream cheese and milky way hot chocolate. I slept in her bed until like twelve. Woke up, realized I missed class, did that skimpy photo shoot for Nikki and went to my italian class.

Tonight I am hanging with Johnny and Erick and the boys from DOG HALL. Its been a long time since we drank ourselves to re runs of the office untillll we passed out on the floor. Love em.

in eleven little pieces.

my head in fact. i keep saying tha I am living too fast. I keep repeating it. I read it over in my posts and wonder how I am still even awake. I'm not complaining but i'm going to burn out eventually, right? It has to happen. I can't keep pulling these all nighters that turn into all weekers. In the past three days I have recieved a total of nine hours of sleep. Isn't that bad? Shouldn't I be passed out on my computer...

The Caska Easter Party was out of control. I drank so much and didn't feel drunk. So I kept drinking. Cup after cup, watching my friends around me get more and more fucked up. Sure I wasn't 100% sober but I wanted to get wastedddd like everyone else. I had class the next morning at eleven. I also had to move in, after an hour and half drive so I crashed around four. The party went on untill about eight in the morning. I had a terrible sleep on the floor amongst a sea of drunks, which by the morning looked like a mass grave. I woke up drunk. And was pissed that I feel asleep semi sober.

monday I had class and moving in to do. After, I dyed my hair red. To the point where it is noticable. After we went to John and Ericks room for a long over due sleepover. Usually, everyyyone is like.. there but it was the four of us. So we all crashed.

I woke up relaly early to cram sesssh my midterm. Which I am sure I passed. After I worked my life away untilll eleven thirty. When I got back to campus I slapped on a high wasted tight skirt, a ruffled top with suede heeled bowed booties, and my new straight red hair. Nikki and I headed to darkroom to live life a tad. It wasn't a bumping night but we had fun. The small crowd meant lotsa one on one chattting time for us to catch up with some friends. I was supposed to be driver but our friend Ralphie who DJs bought me one, then our friend JC, and then the bartender was trying to give me drinks. How can you turn down free drinks. I did but not the first few and ended up slightly tipsy. So I had to wait out the drive. But for the first time ever last night I drove drunk. Not like watsed. But that stage between buzzed and drunk. I felt terrible doing it but it was five in the morning and we needed to get back. So I concentrated very hard and put cruise control on. I'm not happy with myself about this, ps.

I slept with nikki. which was funny because we were silly assholes trading the "YOU"RE MY BEST FRIEN OMGZ" drunk girl chat. At six am we went to bed. I woke up at nine to head back to me room and get my life together for work. I got out at five. Since then I have been thinking about my life. I am supposed to be napping.

I need to do a photo shoot for nikki tonight. She needs to take pictures with the theme "vunerable" which may result in some skimpy shots. After that we are going to the annex for thr crystal castles + high voltage after party and such. It is supposed to be a big party. I'm excited. I hope to GOD there is someone cute there who talks to me. Everyone is gay when we go out, a coke headed creep, has a girlfriend, or is interested in my hotttass friend. WHO IS NOW SINGLE YEAH!

anyways. nap time. there is not enough time in the day.

whoa, party!

i have work in twenty five minutes so quick update!

1. dollface and i (karson) caught up and went to appleeebees two nights ago where we also ran into like ten people we graduated with. which was awesome and awkward.

2. right after that i went to the burg to my boys. it was one big bro fest with hugs and blunts. i got to see jj, danny, brandon, and nicky. i miss them all but at least i got to see most of them and chill hard. i left late, after they took shots of abstinith.

3. bla bla mom made me sleep at home. but i went to work extra early. after work nikki and i went to california pizza kitchen to surprise john. they were both back from break and we chatted and dogged around. nikki and i hit up a party in wycoff before going to our friend gregs house in ringwood. we left early. i arrived home at three.

4. woke up at seven for easter. helped the bro find the eggs, did the church thanggg with the family.. minus my dad because he refuses to talk to me or come out of his office if i'm home. i have work tonight! YEAH!

5. Caska party after. two damn kegs and an open house partyyy. johnnny and manny and nikki are coming. and i'm so drinking tonight because i feel like i deserve it. its been a while and its all friends from home. yeah.

6. going to be late to work. its eleven forty and i have work at twelve. peacee brahh.

7. easter still sucks. worst ever.

in all seriousness.

i need a place to stay.
i'm going to spare all the details because i'd rather not spill my life via web blog
but i need a place to live come may. otherwise i'm living in my car.



and even with two jobs working five days a week I don't make enough to get my own place. shit.

progress.

1. I came home and although he barely talks to begin with, he will almost not utter a word. Its my fault I was gone at school for far too long without coming home for him to be a face he'll recognize. It bothers me, it really does. More than I can express in words in cyber world. I was accepted into an art school in california and I gave it up to ensure that I wouldn't be that big sister thats the "i have an older sister who goes to school in california.'' but i suppose he is making progress, even though i'm not around to see it. his report stated that he was very intelligent. but he still has terrible nevous system problems, will not make eye contact for long periods of times, does not understand facial emotions, and continues to have frequent meltdowns. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head. Because I love my little brother even if he doesn't know or understand it. or emotion in general.

2. Last night I had taco night with bree danny matt and matt in montague. Luckily danny being a vegitarian meant safe tacos for me. But on a serious note I LOVE them and it was great to see failar faces. I am excited for sunday because my fave lil twinnies are throwing a kegger house party, which manny is coming to with me. I also saw tory, charlie an ian last night. we just bullshitted and chilled and googled ugly tits.

3. Today I got my car fixed. It needed breaks more than you could never know. Our mechanic rules at life and fixed everything for me in no time. After I picked up Bree from school and went on a lil shoppping spree at the mall. which was mostly unsuccessful. Although I did purchase two pairs of Aldo shoes.

4. I'm on my way to visit two of my boys. Nicky and Danny. Brandon was going to come but his brother unexpectedly needed heart surgery. I will probably call him later. I still havnt seen Gary but he is at school, and so is Emilio and JJ. I really miss my boys. They're fucking lovely.

5. bla bla gota go now to the dinerrrrrrrrr ferrr cofffeeeee.

organize my life by numbers.

1. Last night my fellow co workers and I folded the store into perfection which led us to the latest leave for a perfect close in urban history. Nearly three am. Everyone was fairly cranky. The banter and jokes and poking that usually goes on was non exsistant. I laid on the floor in the corner while we waited to be allowed to leave after we finished. Because I had an hour and a half drive home from lovely montclair I was afraid of the st. pattys day drunks on the road. When i got to my car I said a little prayer. I also stopped for some hummus and crackers to nosh on. When I hit sussex around four am I started to get that highway sleeping thing. So I crankedd some heavy screamo music on that I could sing a long too to try and stay awake. four thirty am.

2. my right nostril is rotting off my nose. Yesterday, with about a bit more than a half hour before work I stopped at the nearby joint that did both my ink and my nose piercing. I've been wanting my hoop but had to wait. Waitressing means no hoop. But its been a while.. not too long. Only nine weeks but I went in with the intentions of purchasing a hoop. I asked the guy who pierced me if he thought nine weeks was too early to change it. After he looked at it and noted that I healed up nicely and took good care of it he said he could change it for me real quick. So he did. but to both of our surprise he put a hoop in that was way to teenie for my nose. It was pulling at the hole and cutting into my nose at the brim. Clearly not fitting he was like oh, I'll put the next size up on. Well it was stuck. For nearly a half hour he struggled with trying to pull it off. Every tool possible in every size yanking at my nose to the point where my nose was so swollen and sore. He was still unable to get it off. And was grabbing skin and cartilage with every grab of the plyers. My nose was bleeding, I was clenching the chair, and fighting back tears as he nervously yanked me nose apart. It was the most painful thing. Honestly worse than getting ink, and when I actually got it pierced. He finally removed it, stuck the next size in and in a rush closed it into a square. Had to remove it again. Which was still painful because my nose was so swollen and quitting at life. The third one would not go in because it was so swollen that he stuck the stud back in and was like come back in two weeks when your nose isn't swollen. He said keep the ring its on me. I was like are you sure? How much does it cost. He was like fifteen. And I paid him? and I got the FUCK OUT. I was like, twenty minutes late to work with blood dripping down my nose and my eyes all red from lack of crying. I recieved a tardy at work. and a missing nose. Its still very swollen.

3. on a serious note:

I believe in so much that somehing good will happen. I turn negative energy into motivation. This is how I get by. This is how I am able to rely on nothing but myself and my growing independence. Something good has to happen to me soon. Through everything that is going on, all the negative, all the lack of progress, I keep believing. I am not everything I want to be but I feel like I am filling into the growth I am making, while recognizing how much more I have to do to become this ideal person that I see. But tell me, is hoping weak or powerful? Am I weak to so heavily believe that things will be okay? To hang on hope and even when it doesn't come, believe harder? Or is it powerful to not give up, to not settle. to believe with everything. Is this ignorance? Is this strength? I can't decide. I'd like to say it's strength, but only because if it is ignorance I can't stop believing. The day I stop pushing forward, making changes, believing is the day I stop living.

4. On a change of subject. There is this boy. I guess its fair to say that I am digging him. There are a lot of things to him that make him pretty incredible. And he by far isn't like other guys. It has been about a year since I've had a serious crush. But with all my impulsiveness and outgoing-ness I don't have it in me to tell him that I find him incredible. Silly perhaps because I preach the no games please policey, the if you like someone tell them you never know mindset. But, its different this time. For the first time in such a long time, I feel fuzzy. and I am afraid of how he makes me feel. If I became a nun my life would be so much easier.

5. Listen to Wolftron. Kenny Chois solo project. The singer and guitarist from Daphne Loves Derby. My favorite band of all time. I've been listening to them since seventh grade. I see them every time they come to the East Coast and get lost in the music. Close my eyes and reflect on every little lyric and strum that got me through life since i was thirteen or fourteen. Beautiful.

6. herro. I am getting up to live life now. Its beautiful outside andd I'm wasting away in lazzzzines in bed. Coming home is so pretty. No neighbors. No curtains on windows. No noise. Nothing blocking the constallations at night. Open roads. Golden hay fields. Creepy bugs.

this just in.

coming home reminds me
why i never like to come home.
everything is so fucked up.











i need an outlet.