Monday, August 18, 2008

mid august.

and i can't believe its, well.. mid august. I have decided with little arguing with myself that I worked too much this summer. On a positive note, it gave me responsibility, a place to be besides home, and a reason to not spend my summer bored and alone. But with that, I missed out on a decent amount of thing, like vacations and catching up with friends.

its really hard to stay in touch with everyone you love and care about more than just a hey whats up via myspace message every three weeks. but i can say, that i tried. and i can also say, that in return most of my friends, did not try. I am looking forward to go back to school to see familar faces and old friends. I don't think I established to many friendships though, I met a lot of people, but hung out with the same five both semesters. I don't think anyone is looking forward to seeing me. I sound like an emotional mess, but I assure you I am okay with this.

In a review of the summer so far, I can say it was a summer of responsibility and freedom. I worked six to seven days a week, and commuted to work. -just to fold scene kids tee shirts and ring up angry parents. But I am not complaining. Being so far from home gave me the oppurtunity to be everywhere. I spent my summer in friends beds, in montclair, wycoff, and fort lee. I spent weekends in the city with friends and coworkers, as well as some fun house parties and other assorted events. In a sense, I feel lucky that I was able to take time out of my day to actually enjoy people.

on a not to fun note, i'm so stressed about school. I want to transfer so badly. I still don't have housing. My parents won't help me move out, which means I have to maintain an almost full time job, take seventeen credits, drive my ass around, and feed myself. I'm unsure if I can do this on my own. SO, I almost dropped out of school so I could afford to move out of this damn county, and was going to take night classes at FIT. So work all day, school at night. But, I don't think I am doing that anymore. SO hectic. Anyways, I'm off.. its 11pm but I have to be up at six to get my car fixed. {tire blew doing seventy on eighty, woo, in pine brook! hispanic guy in an audi named roberto who spoke no english and was shorter than me changed it for me, double woo} and after, I am either off to the shore with my boy and his friends, where we will meet nikki (shes on vacation there) or he is going to come up here so we can kayack or something. So sleep deprived.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

lame.

it's as though no one thinks I am human these days. Hello, I too get offended or hurt or downright angered by others peoples actions of lack of actions. I have the worst luck with friends, my whole life. I need new friends. With the exception of about three people. You know who you are, and I thank you a thousand times over for always being there, meeting me half way on actually being friends, and always being sincere and understanding.



ugh. people.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

december 31st 2006

was when this was written and I am getting rid of an old blog, and this entry stuck out, as it is a review and list of goals of 2006.


reflection.
I'd like to silver line this and drench you in boastful lines of my accomplishments and memorable moments before this year concludes. But in all honesty, I can't. And it is not because I had a bad year. This year, regardless of its lowest lows, was really incredible. For one, I'm still here, I'm breathing. I'm not starving. I'm in good health. I'll keep the things I looked upon as milestones in my life in my head, jumbled with all my other thoughts.
But this year was an in depth year of self-awarness. and growth. I laid the line down for what future I'm interested in. I discovered some hidden emotional strengths I never knew I had. I faced loss, and trust, and honor. I rose above people that pissed me off and I stuck with the ones I love.
But as this year comes to an end.. I just want to soak it all in. But I can't. For one I have a horrible visual memory.. and two.. There is to much! But I wanted to say this, for myself.
With what has happened, good or bad, and will happen in the future, I'm so ready. Show me the world and bring on my life because I feel ready. I'm looking forward to understanding myself more this new year (as I don't know who I am) and to facing new challenges. I have so many goals, and each day that passes is one day less I have untill I achieve them.
I'm going to get into a collge I love. I will keep the relationships I established with friends in high school. I'm going to get lost on one of those islands in may. I'm going to count my basketball bruises like blessings. I'm going to learn more sign language so I can communicate with my brother. I'm going to fight seniorits as best I can (not!), I'm going to value the people I look up to even more this year, I'm going to get tickets to olympus fashion week bryant park again, I'm going to learn how to ballroom dance, I'm going to finish Houston, I'm going to deliver an incredible president farewell speech at STATES, I'm going to seek out full happiness in everything I do so I never feel like I wasted a breath. No regrets. Its 2007 and I'm so ready to be challenged again.
bring it on.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

lets be brief.

i love bullets. especially when i don't have anything legit to write about, just mental updates to keep track of my life.

1. friday night I slept over Nikks house, where we played the lets catch up game. Always lovely seeing that woman. We hit up a chill party at manny and johns place. Even though we didn't drink (okay so i had one PBR) it was fun. A lot of people from school showed up, its always nice to see everyone happily having a place to drink instead of cramming in a dorm room, getting shushed every five minutes, in between minus the bear songs haha.

2. saturday morning we went to look at an apartment in montclair. i think its adorable for us. I'm not sure how she feels about it because it was a tad run down. but it had that old charm, worn in feeling that i feel like montclair has. it was clean and well kept, so nothing crazzzy.

3. after work on saturday i went on some crazy adventure to pick up my boy, who was in the same town as work. I ended up getting oddly lost due to cell phones and alcohal messing up street signs. We ended up getting back to fort lee where we met up with his friends. One of his friends has a bar in his basement so we all relaxed there. We invested in some woodchuck beer which is pretty damn brilliant. Creations of shots were always up for grabs, so lets just say my taste testing got me a little silly. It was good to feel silly with everyone and laugh everything off.

4. Sunday we slept in and headed out to the city, tompkins square park (sp?) for a leftover crack show. wow, lets just say that was way interesting. the scene had such a great vibe to it, i just looked like a herb. Standing in a crowd of liberty spikes, forties, army pants, facial piercings, shaggy hair, total modern grunge rock, in my little vintage flat sandles, denim bermudas, a huge hippie inspired scarf and a fringed suede bag. Such a HERB. but the show was fun. People doing dope behind us, hopping fences, chanting FUCK THE POLICE, burning huge american flags and waving them around. Quite the experience. My boy, his friend, and I took it all in with a few Sparks which got me feeling a bit buzzed. We roamed the city until like, eleven at night. I can't even tell you what we were doing. We didn't even stop for dinner or anything, literally roamed around. Good fun, and the first sunday i've taken off since about febuary. When we finally arrived back in fort lee, we visited his friends again. We all hung out outside on the patio chatting it up. I think we left around two am. It was a well spent sunday.

5. Monday we slept in, but I had work at three. Monday was a terrible night to say the least. A lot of dramaaaaa going on between friends, family, and work. None of its connected but to have all three being shitty at the same time is out of control. If work sucks, you'd want to see your friends. If your friends suck, you'd want to see your family. If your family sucks, you'd want to get to work. But I have no grace period or mercy spot. Everything has been so strange. The high light of monday, at least evening/night was dinner with Alex and Jayro on break.

6. Today wasn't much better. I've been in a really pensive mood. I've been letting multiple things get to me personally that I have no control over. And as much as i'd like to create some sort of intervention, there is no way that I can. So i let it nibble at my brain all day. And of course, being me means not having it in me to talk about it. So, I don't. Thankfully Nikki came to my rescue today. And Lindsey gets honorable mention.

7. Tomorrow I'm waking up really early to head to the beach with a handful of my montague friends. This summer has been strange because I barely see anyone. I'm so fortunate that they have reached out to me. I feel like little-none of my friends make any effort to actually try and hang out. I have invited everyone I consider friends (with the exception of like, two people) to hang out, lets get lunch tomorrow, come to the beach on friday!, I miss you lets hang out when you have off this week, hey a group of us are going to the diner, my friend is having a party i want you to come with me! And its weird when you don't get that other half of the friendship reached out to you. Not to mention this past week I seriously got raped in the ass by like threee different friends over things that were blown out of proportions. I can think of a handfull of people who are lame this summer. If you are worried its you, it most likely is. But thanks to everyone who has made an effort, it has not gone unnoticed. and for that, I am thankful. You know who you are! I still love everyone though, regardless if you have been lame about loving me back ;)

8. Okay, so the beach. Rented a cheeeesy motel room! Like ten of us going to spend the day at the beach and to get sloppy. Knowing me I'll have like two beers and play mom. Ever since the first semester came and went, I have been unable to get shit faced... with a fewww exceptions. But knowing that none of us have to drive, we have a warm place to sleep, and that i'm in good company who has been there for me before, I'll get a tad silly. Regardless, all i want is that beautiful sunshine, tan lines, and that salty ocean. ipod on neutral milk hotel!

9. Technically be backkk thursday but since my mom will be away on business I will most likely not try to be home. I'll crash at manny and johns, and get to work on friday. My boy has off friday so i'll spend the night in fort lee and hit up work saturday. Its going to be a long week.

10. I feel like such a nomad. and i do this to myself. but im not complaining, because if i couldn't rely on good friends and loved ones, i'd be miserable at home.

Friday, August 1, 2008

knots.

ugh, i hate that terrible feeling, where you insides are tossing and turning and blending together. You know what I mean right? All because you hope you made the right choice. I need some more time before I can feel better in my stomach and know I made the right choices. Its so ironic. This whole thing.

anyways, rafting today was a great success. Eight of us took a seven mile trail down the delaware. It pretty much turned into war as EJ, Danny, and Mike attacked my boat, which had Bree Heather Sarah and Rachel in it. They stole all our oars and knocked us all out. We could barely get ourselves back in the damn boat let alone get anywhere once we managed to get back in. We dicked around for a while, soaked up some sun, and chilled at soe cliffs for a while. Mike managed to climb every one and successfully jump off at every height which made us all look like babies. I literally took a three step shuffle toward jumping off and almost vomitted. Fun fact: I have a terrible fear/phobia of falling. Not afraid of heights, just the falling process. I thought today would be the day I would face that fear, but I was wrong. Hopefully next time. Overall, a great fucking day.

Going to Wycoff tonight to see my girl Nikki. So I'm about to pack my bag for the weekend. Be back tuesdddday morning.

have a good, sillly weekend.