where did you go?

last night was more than interesting. Nikki andd I arrived to annex to find that it was bumping, packed with gorgeous boys, hottass chickies, good music, and familar faces. Our friend literally handed us a drink as we walked in the door which was a pleasent surprise. (it was my only drink the whole night though, wasn't feeling the alch)

we danced ourselves to the point of numb feet. haha. there was quite a good loookin fella that danced with me for a bit before he ran to the bar for another drink. he didn't return. Which made sense like twenty minutes later when I walkedd by him making out with another girl. Better her than me honestly because sheesh, i'm not an easy piece. Boys like that expect girls to be easy.

But good news and bad news. I spotted thee most beautiful boy. Well, he spotted me. I felt like it was a scene in the movie. While nikky leaned herself on the bar, fighting for a beer and chatting with our friend Maximillian (who came to chil with us) this boy across the bar in mid conversation with his friends looked up at me. and continued to do so through out his chat. me, i'm like barely able to wack nikki and tell her that I see this dude. He gave me the stare as he walked on by and out of the bar. I saw him come in and had intentions of talking to him but, he left again and this time didn't come back. I was pretty bummedd that I let him get away because, wow.

But good times. Nikki and I loving life with eachother and dancing our asses off. Cedric came and we love him. I danced with for a while tooooo. Like I said Maximillian came also he was a silly drunken mess. But we saw lotsa fun people. So it was a goodddd time.

Nikki and I took the wrong path back and decided to just ride it all the way through untill it would turn around and go back to hoboken. Which, we did. Before hopping in our cars we ate our traditional whole grain bagel toasted with cream cheese and milky way hot chocolate. I slept in her bed until like twelve. Woke up, realized I missed class, did that skimpy photo shoot for Nikki and went to my italian class.

Tonight I am hanging with Johnny and Erick and the boys from DOG HALL. Its been a long time since we drank ourselves to re runs of the office untillll we passed out on the floor. Love em.

in eleven little pieces.

my head in fact. i keep saying tha I am living too fast. I keep repeating it. I read it over in my posts and wonder how I am still even awake. I'm not complaining but i'm going to burn out eventually, right? It has to happen. I can't keep pulling these all nighters that turn into all weekers. In the past three days I have recieved a total of nine hours of sleep. Isn't that bad? Shouldn't I be passed out on my computer...

The Caska Easter Party was out of control. I drank so much and didn't feel drunk. So I kept drinking. Cup after cup, watching my friends around me get more and more fucked up. Sure I wasn't 100% sober but I wanted to get wastedddd like everyone else. I had class the next morning at eleven. I also had to move in, after an hour and half drive so I crashed around four. The party went on untill about eight in the morning. I had a terrible sleep on the floor amongst a sea of drunks, which by the morning looked like a mass grave. I woke up drunk. And was pissed that I feel asleep semi sober.

monday I had class and moving in to do. After, I dyed my hair red. To the point where it is noticable. After we went to John and Ericks room for a long over due sleepover. Usually, everyyyone is like.. there but it was the four of us. So we all crashed.

I woke up relaly early to cram sesssh my midterm. Which I am sure I passed. After I worked my life away untilll eleven thirty. When I got back to campus I slapped on a high wasted tight skirt, a ruffled top with suede heeled bowed booties, and my new straight red hair. Nikki and I headed to darkroom to live life a tad. It wasn't a bumping night but we had fun. The small crowd meant lotsa one on one chattting time for us to catch up with some friends. I was supposed to be driver but our friend Ralphie who DJs bought me one, then our friend JC, and then the bartender was trying to give me drinks. How can you turn down free drinks. I did but not the first few and ended up slightly tipsy. So I had to wait out the drive. But for the first time ever last night I drove drunk. Not like watsed. But that stage between buzzed and drunk. I felt terrible doing it but it was five in the morning and we needed to get back. So I concentrated very hard and put cruise control on. I'm not happy with myself about this, ps.

I slept with nikki. which was funny because we were silly assholes trading the "YOU"RE MY BEST FRIEN OMGZ" drunk girl chat. At six am we went to bed. I woke up at nine to head back to me room and get my life together for work. I got out at five. Since then I have been thinking about my life. I am supposed to be napping.

I need to do a photo shoot for nikki tonight. She needs to take pictures with the theme "vunerable" which may result in some skimpy shots. After that we are going to the annex for thr crystal castles + high voltage after party and such. It is supposed to be a big party. I'm excited. I hope to GOD there is someone cute there who talks to me. Everyone is gay when we go out, a coke headed creep, has a girlfriend, or is interested in my hotttass friend. WHO IS NOW SINGLE YEAH!

anyways. nap time. there is not enough time in the day.

whoa, party!

i have work in twenty five minutes so quick update!

1. dollface and i (karson) caught up and went to appleeebees two nights ago where we also ran into like ten people we graduated with. which was awesome and awkward.

2. right after that i went to the burg to my boys. it was one big bro fest with hugs and blunts. i got to see jj, danny, brandon, and nicky. i miss them all but at least i got to see most of them and chill hard. i left late, after they took shots of abstinith.

3. bla bla mom made me sleep at home. but i went to work extra early. after work nikki and i went to california pizza kitchen to surprise john. they were both back from break and we chatted and dogged around. nikki and i hit up a party in wycoff before going to our friend gregs house in ringwood. we left early. i arrived home at three.

4. woke up at seven for easter. helped the bro find the eggs, did the church thanggg with the family.. minus my dad because he refuses to talk to me or come out of his office if i'm home. i have work tonight! YEAH!

5. Caska party after. two damn kegs and an open house partyyy. johnnny and manny and nikki are coming. and i'm so drinking tonight because i feel like i deserve it. its been a while and its all friends from home. yeah.

6. going to be late to work. its eleven forty and i have work at twelve. peacee brahh.

7. easter still sucks. worst ever.

in all seriousness.

i need a place to stay.
i'm going to spare all the details because i'd rather not spill my life via web blog
but i need a place to live come may. otherwise i'm living in my car.



and even with two jobs working five days a week I don't make enough to get my own place. shit.

progress.

1. I came home and although he barely talks to begin with, he will almost not utter a word. Its my fault I was gone at school for far too long without coming home for him to be a face he'll recognize. It bothers me, it really does. More than I can express in words in cyber world. I was accepted into an art school in california and I gave it up to ensure that I wouldn't be that big sister thats the "i have an older sister who goes to school in california.'' but i suppose he is making progress, even though i'm not around to see it. his report stated that he was very intelligent. but he still has terrible nevous system problems, will not make eye contact for long periods of times, does not understand facial emotions, and continues to have frequent meltdowns. I wish I knew what was going on inside his head. Because I love my little brother even if he doesn't know or understand it. or emotion in general.

2. Last night I had taco night with bree danny matt and matt in montague. Luckily danny being a vegitarian meant safe tacos for me. But on a serious note I LOVE them and it was great to see failar faces. I am excited for sunday because my fave lil twinnies are throwing a kegger house party, which manny is coming to with me. I also saw tory, charlie an ian last night. we just bullshitted and chilled and googled ugly tits.

3. Today I got my car fixed. It needed breaks more than you could never know. Our mechanic rules at life and fixed everything for me in no time. After I picked up Bree from school and went on a lil shoppping spree at the mall. which was mostly unsuccessful. Although I did purchase two pairs of Aldo shoes.

4. I'm on my way to visit two of my boys. Nicky and Danny. Brandon was going to come but his brother unexpectedly needed heart surgery. I will probably call him later. I still havnt seen Gary but he is at school, and so is Emilio and JJ. I really miss my boys. They're fucking lovely.

5. bla bla gota go now to the dinerrrrrrrrr ferrr cofffeeeee.

organize my life by numbers.

1. Last night my fellow co workers and I folded the store into perfection which led us to the latest leave for a perfect close in urban history. Nearly three am. Everyone was fairly cranky. The banter and jokes and poking that usually goes on was non exsistant. I laid on the floor in the corner while we waited to be allowed to leave after we finished. Because I had an hour and a half drive home from lovely montclair I was afraid of the st. pattys day drunks on the road. When i got to my car I said a little prayer. I also stopped for some hummus and crackers to nosh on. When I hit sussex around four am I started to get that highway sleeping thing. So I crankedd some heavy screamo music on that I could sing a long too to try and stay awake. four thirty am.

2. my right nostril is rotting off my nose. Yesterday, with about a bit more than a half hour before work I stopped at the nearby joint that did both my ink and my nose piercing. I've been wanting my hoop but had to wait. Waitressing means no hoop. But its been a while.. not too long. Only nine weeks but I went in with the intentions of purchasing a hoop. I asked the guy who pierced me if he thought nine weeks was too early to change it. After he looked at it and noted that I healed up nicely and took good care of it he said he could change it for me real quick. So he did. but to both of our surprise he put a hoop in that was way to teenie for my nose. It was pulling at the hole and cutting into my nose at the brim. Clearly not fitting he was like oh, I'll put the next size up on. Well it was stuck. For nearly a half hour he struggled with trying to pull it off. Every tool possible in every size yanking at my nose to the point where my nose was so swollen and sore. He was still unable to get it off. And was grabbing skin and cartilage with every grab of the plyers. My nose was bleeding, I was clenching the chair, and fighting back tears as he nervously yanked me nose apart. It was the most painful thing. Honestly worse than getting ink, and when I actually got it pierced. He finally removed it, stuck the next size in and in a rush closed it into a square. Had to remove it again. Which was still painful because my nose was so swollen and quitting at life. The third one would not go in because it was so swollen that he stuck the stud back in and was like come back in two weeks when your nose isn't swollen. He said keep the ring its on me. I was like are you sure? How much does it cost. He was like fifteen. And I paid him? and I got the FUCK OUT. I was like, twenty minutes late to work with blood dripping down my nose and my eyes all red from lack of crying. I recieved a tardy at work. and a missing nose. Its still very swollen.

3. on a serious note:

I believe in so much that somehing good will happen. I turn negative energy into motivation. This is how I get by. This is how I am able to rely on nothing but myself and my growing independence. Something good has to happen to me soon. Through everything that is going on, all the negative, all the lack of progress, I keep believing. I am not everything I want to be but I feel like I am filling into the growth I am making, while recognizing how much more I have to do to become this ideal person that I see. But tell me, is hoping weak or powerful? Am I weak to so heavily believe that things will be okay? To hang on hope and even when it doesn't come, believe harder? Or is it powerful to not give up, to not settle. to believe with everything. Is this ignorance? Is this strength? I can't decide. I'd like to say it's strength, but only because if it is ignorance I can't stop believing. The day I stop pushing forward, making changes, believing is the day I stop living.

4. On a change of subject. There is this boy. I guess its fair to say that I am digging him. There are a lot of things to him that make him pretty incredible. And he by far isn't like other guys. It has been about a year since I've had a serious crush. But with all my impulsiveness and outgoing-ness I don't have it in me to tell him that I find him incredible. Silly perhaps because I preach the no games please policey, the if you like someone tell them you never know mindset. But, its different this time. For the first time in such a long time, I feel fuzzy. and I am afraid of how he makes me feel. If I became a nun my life would be so much easier.

5. Listen to Wolftron. Kenny Chois solo project. The singer and guitarist from Daphne Loves Derby. My favorite band of all time. I've been listening to them since seventh grade. I see them every time they come to the East Coast and get lost in the music. Close my eyes and reflect on every little lyric and strum that got me through life since i was thirteen or fourteen. Beautiful.

6. herro. I am getting up to live life now. Its beautiful outside andd I'm wasting away in lazzzzines in bed. Coming home is so pretty. No neighbors. No curtains on windows. No noise. Nothing blocking the constallations at night. Open roads. Golden hay fields. Creepy bugs.

this just in.

coming home reminds me
why i never like to come home.
everything is so fucked up.











i need an outlet.

there is so much more to do.

well, i'm finally home for break. even though everyone else gladly left friday mid-day, i worked all weekend. and after work i lived life fast a bit. and came home two hours before i had to waitress at my second job.

friday night i had work. i folded my life away untill eleven thirty. once again someone called out. after work i drove to nikkis house. dorm life closed at six, and since i had to be at work a lot earlier than three.. i packed my two by two room space up into a few bags. and since it was nice out i popped everything in the trunck andd took the top down. eager perhaps but, i lovedd the weather.

after work nikki and i went.. somewhere. i don't even know. its this house we go to sometimes. we met up with nikkis boy and some of his band bros. who are the nicest boys ever. i love being sober amongst drunk people. i had kevin drunk swing dancing haha.

with like two hours of sleep i headed back to work at ten am the next day. after i got off nikki met me at work and we headed to rockaway to see some of our friends play. my friend danny passed the word on to us so, we went out there. we felt extremly misssplaced because everyone was teenie and like fourteen. or it seemed. we ran into a good number of lovies at the show, but way more fun friends at the after party. which was out of control for numerous reasons.
1. there were so many lovely people there.
2. i was happpily drunk and loving life.
3. i watched three rounds of the crazyest drinking game, putting mexican hat dance in second.

perhaps the sillyest part of the night was me drunk while nikki was driving us to our second party. i made her stop at DD so i could get an everything bagel with butter. while she went to pee i stood there alone.. in the company of the heavily accented indian brahs. i was like leaning over onto myself trying to stay balanced while trying to keep a normal face and not slur which clearly is a recipie for disaster. they totallyyyy new i was wasted. and they laughed at me a lot.

after i shoved that down my throat i made niki stop again at a CVS where i purchased almost ten dollars of bagged chocolate goods. if you think thats terrible. keep reading. we get into the car (FYI: remember i am super fuzzy from the effects of beer and windy roads) and blurt out some weird laugh and something about success? and tell nikki in this happy voice that i stole it! and i pull out this stupid sixty nine cent chocolate egg? andd put the whole thing in my mouth. laughing. at this point nikki has to almost pull the car over because of what i did. how i explained my little devilish venture. and how i stole something that was sixty nine cents when i just spent ten dollars on chocolate. in the morning it was a great story.

we hit up one more party before bed time...so bla bla bla. my life. nikki is lovely for letting me stay at her house this weekend. and i'm going to misss the shit out of her while she lays out on beaches all spring break. i will be working tomorrow, wednesday thursday saturday sunday. and i havn't had a day off since.. thursday. i feel like i work too much?

thinking of working makes me feel funny. i know i work too much. but things don't pay themselves. and mama and papadukes don't either.

my goals for this week while i am home are:
1. finish my portfolio.
2. list the fabrics i need.
3. buy a new camara.
4. see my oburg boys.
5. i needd coffee and linzar tarts with karson. or dollface hehe.
6. my little mtowners. heather bree matt and danny. and company.
7. make brownies like circa 1999 with katie.
8. see everyone?
9. live life.
10. bla
11. this list is boring me now.

i'm currently boredd with life. its 11:17 and i could be living life so much better right now than sitting in bed typing down shit i've already done when there is so much more to do.

i'm leaving. peace.

everything has been a blur to me. sleeping, working, going to class, having a social life, driving, eating- it has all been a blur to me this week. even breathing is hard to remember. bare with me for this entry will probably make us much sense as my life right now. in all honesty, i shouldn't even be writing i should be studying for my italian exam. ma no non piarce studio per italiano. there.

i took a recent solo trip to the Met. Out of all the museums in the city, this is among my least favorites. Why you may ask? The artwork there is not really what I enjoy. I love modern, abstract, sculpture, oils etc. I am interested in ancient work and such but not enough to head to the city and spend my only day of oogling at tribal masks and naked greeks.

but for the sake of my art history term paper which is 20% of my grade I embarked on my own adventure. I decided against directions, just the location and figured i'd handle it on my own. My first dilema was catching a train that I nearly missed. Literally as I was paying for the ticket, the train appeared. Luckily the man held the train for me. But I used a twenty dollar bill for a five dollar train ride, and one by one coin by coin it popped out those sacagawea golden coins out. With a scoop into the machine I pulled out fifteen little indian faces. Half laughing at my exploding wallet I darted to the train. And realized i had forgotten my ipod.

an hour of staring out windows. and listening to people snort snot back into their noses. and phone conversations about the other house, and the kids at school. I decided to try and spot graffiti art. Old buildings and structures, etc. anything out of the ordinary to play with my eyes and perhaps be inspired.

when i got to the city i accidently ended up on the wrong subway. I ended up in East village instead of west. I walked nearly twenty blocks and decided I'd try and cut through central park. What a terrible idea.

for one, it was my first time in central park. I know, possibly bizzzare to be in the city frequently and to have never been to central park? The little dork in me was waiting to save that trip with a boy. No one in particular, just the right one. I figured it'd be fun to see and enjoy it for the first time with someone who may possibly care. But it was nothing like that. A dreary place reflecting all the harshness of the winter. With thickets of broken branches and brown grass, fences gaiting of complete sections. Trash withered away on the edges of sidewalks and a whole heap of metals, mechanical parts, and abandoned park equipment on a mound. Not what I had hoped for.

but getting lost in this barren place gave me some quiet to enjoy what i was doing at that very moment. to relax and carefully find my way out. it gave me the oppurtunity to listen to nothing but my very own boots clanking on the paved zigzagging walkways. i believed i cleared my mind in that time, evaluated some situations that were over do.

once i escaped the dissapointing jungle i grabbed the first taxi to make up for lost time. I skimmed through the museum and spent probably a total of fifteen minutes inside. i went straight to the modern art sections, took some notes on Gino Severini and peaced.

that night i went to ramapo to visit a friend and some doodz who are currently on spring break. because it was a teenie setting of people i decided to drink. Which was nice considering i have not had a drink in a while, i didn't get obliterated either. Just drank untill i felt the buzz prepping to switch. I was at a good state.

I worked all of yesterday away. My coworker adam and i were to be the only closers on a large two floored store. two employees called out. this was a death sentence for us, because this pretty much meant we were never getting out. Luckily someone came in at closing time to help us out a bit. With the extra dood we were still very short handed and didn't leave untill around eleven thirty pm.

on my way back i bought a pint of ben and jerrys magic brownie to accompany my studies and my own personal pity party. which is where this entry is going...

i'm leaving. I have decided to become a nun. due to my ongoing terrible luck with boys. terrible. unless you consider thirty year old high school teachers, cocaine addicts, and preppy jocky boys lucky. i'm incredible at finding creeps. being single is awesome, don't get me wrong. i enjoy my freedom and my oppurtunities. I'm just saying, every time something comes along with potential, after i doubt it like a hundred times, i look forwardd to it. after i am slightly excited about it, it vanishes. it=him/he ps. so i am solving all my worries and confusion and have decided i will not be returning after spring break. i shall be training to become a nun.

on that note. devo studiare per italiano per c'e mi esame e alle quattro.

living fast.

the past few days have been one big blur of a day. i could not even explain to you the extent of its intensity. i should be dead right now from this adventure, from this lack of sleep, from living this fast life. at times i simply forget where i was last. the last time i wasn't working. wasn't tackling the city. wasn't being a zombie in class.

[i've got this soul; its all fired up. sorry up came up on my shuffle.]

anyways.

after a long night of work and a horribly rainy day nikki amanda and i ventured into he city with the original intentions of heading to brooklyn. after realizing driving in the rain to an unknown place would suck a lot, we decided against it. we had three options of alterntive places. without a fake ID or a legit 21 year old ordeal we have to rely on super lovely bouncers who love us just as much to let us in. A friend of ours called me to let me know he was at a newer place, he said it was super upscale and nice. He wanted us to come check it out.

So we did. and was it upscale. low floor couches with mini candels scattered about. Orange and red wall art panels hanging from all angles, illuminated by lights. A DJ in a loft. Brick walls and hardwood floors with a long bar. Sounds sick right?

The not so good part was the scene. I was wearing a bibtop ruffled tunic with leggins and heels and ungodly messy hair. Nikki was wearing a cut out shirt with tights and heeled vintage boots. Amanda had a high waisted skirt on with suspenders, crazy tights and sexy patent leather hooker heels and a brimmed hat. We were amongst a crowd of button down shirts and jeans, v-necks with low rise trouser pants. We clearly stuck out. We decided to leave after a larger tummied fella came up to us trying to kick it. After a few sentences of failed attempt we told him we were thinking of leaving anyway- sorry can't dance. When he asked why we cleverly asked him if he thought it looked like we belonged here, that we look to young for this business mans bar. He asked us how old we were. Nikki thinking that the age would freak him out said nineteen. He said, "Thats cool i teach high school." we left.

We headed to our fave lil hot spot. We've never gone on weekends, usually week nights. But it was bumpin. Packed. of course, no one cute. Instead a mad amount of creepstahs. I was so pissed off the whole night I was prolly the biggest fuckin bitch because I was like... FED UP with every creep in the world trying to touch me, my friends, talk dirty, dance dirty. like...... leave me alone I'm not an easy pussy. peace.

some dude looked like he walked out of a kurt cobain concert with baggy carpenter jeans, old cons, a dirty band tee, and a flannel. He had shoulder length hair that was greasy and kept the shape of looking like it was tucked behind his ears when they werent tucked behind his ears. and teenie 1992 spectacles. EVERY time we started dancing he would fucking side ways shuffle over behind one of my friends and stand there so that they were lightly rubbing up on him with out them knowing. i would grab them and move them. He would shuffle over. If we stopped dancing he'd look away and shuffle in that direction until we started dancing again. Finally, i was pissed. he came really close to me and I turned to him and said, "GIRLS NIGHT. GET IT? PEACE.''

good news: he left us alone.
bad news: super bitch and didn't even feel bad. fuckin creep.

there were so many creeps. i can't handle dudes who are ultra confident assuming you are drunk so they can fuckin touch you. leave me alone. i didn't even drink! after its ultra sketchie-ness we headed out. also fighting off more cunts in the path who yelled and whistled at us. We arrive in hoboken at five am and decide to down a coffee. Where that walk to and into the dunkin donuts was lined with cat calls and hey mamasita. At this point I was so fucking done with disrespectful doodz i just gave them the go die stare.

We returned to campus wide awake. I slept in nikkis bed. slept for two hours. woke up and went to work. work was a total drag. it was a terrible day. everything awful that could go wrong did and i was just not having it. to make a long story short it suckedd. and to top it off my phone literally decided to peace the fuck out. it works randomly when it feels like it and when it is charging. sweet. i have no connection to the world outside this damn laptop.

after work nikki john erick and i hit up two parties. made some new friends. saw some old ones. good times. also got back at six am. i passed out in ericks bed. which consisted of me with my back turned to him, my head literally against the wall.

woke up mad late got nothing done! had the day off so went to go see a friends band play. and ta-da here i am. getting some shit finished and barely living life. need z's but i'm way to distracted.






funny story before i get back to life.
i had to do my laundry today.. and since i've never seen anyone in the laundry room.. ESPECIALLLY on a sunday. (because everyone chills home.) I was literally in a thrift store t shirt and these boxer looking undies. barefoot and braless walked down stairs with my clothes. and to my luck, some chubby asian kid who i'm pretty sure doesn't even live in my building is there, starring. I was like, whats up brah. and did my shit. maybe i should care more about being naked. totally naked right now too. clothes are overrated.

let it be known

that this day in history.

is the first night I have slept in my bed in such a long time, I don't even know how long it has even been. And I am not even in it yet. This just seems like something to note. and i hate it so much. because sleeping alone means not sleeping at all.





my head is full again of things that can not be fabricated into words. onto paper. into cyber world. and its driving me insane. sleeping tonight will mean dreaming the things i try to forget when I am awake. nightmares perhaps of nothing scary at all. just realities.

my head it full.

and i have so much to say, so little time. i'm going to number everything again from the last few days of noted importance.

1. Nikki and i went into the city monday night with intentions of hitting up darkroom. One of the bouncers called me to let me know it had been shut down for a few days due to underage drinking. Our friend was working at the annex so we were able to go there. Wow. What a bizzare evening. I believe I spent like 35 on drinks between nikki and i.. andd assholes who kept spilling our drinks? Oh well. There were some people to note from that evening.
a. Mario. Well Nikki gave him that nickname. A dood in mens leather ankle boots, high wasted capri pants that had suspenders and a mustache like Mario. He freaked me the fuck out. Everytime he came zipping around the dance floor I panicked and like.. hid. It was funny. He was bizzzare.
b. The German Retards. Okay so these two doods from Berlin tried kicking it to us. I was at the buzzed stage and I don't handle creeps very well. These two guys were so drunk they came stumbling over with limp arms and claw hands, leaning into us, trying to dance. I grabbed nikki and said to her, which at the time made perfect sense, "Don't you get it? They are german retards!" after a laughter session, she explained to me they were just really drunk. which made more sense than my explination. Direct quote from one of the German guys, "I want to date you. I want to take you out for the dinner. I am here for month only." HAAAAAAAAA. yeah OKAY have a nice life creep.
c. Miss Idaho. Crazy drunk girl outside of the club who was slurring terribly and all over the place with her words. She had to use nikkis phone to try and contact a ride and in return let Nikki wear her hat. I can't explain her you just had to see her.
d. The photographer and the fake. So we got our pictures taken by Igor. Which was totally fine and legit andd not weird. What was weirdd was the forty year old dad doods who watched him take our pictures and pulled out their disposable and asked us to shoot for them. I was like get the fuck out of here brah. and hid on the stairs.
e. My favorite drunk people of the evening award goes to... Nikki who was doing the drunk girl dance and girl scout hand. And who ate the hot dog. and talked a mile a minute on our car ride. and passed out with her arms and legs open the drive back. and jono who came from brooklyn alreaddy drunk. and tooo drunk to function. and plopped himself on the seat. yo, love my friends haha.

Anyways, now that experience is killed...

Last night I workedd till one am. Yes, urban outfitters makes us work that late. I folded my life away. I returned to hang with nikki, jenna, johnny, kevin, erick and manny for a bit. Most of them were high or drunk. or both. I was so exhausted from work, so all i did was eat bread and jelly while I watched everyone be silly drunkies. We turned on the office and we all passed out as usual scatteredd across the floor and beds.

It was hurricane raining last night. And I loved it. At three am I thought someone dumped an ocean on campus. It was so beautiful. We turned the TV off and opened the windows. The mixed sound of thick winds, bending trees, and rain pounding on pavement was such an intricate combination of sounds. They helped me sleep. I suggested going outside in the rain to play, to get soakedd. For some reason, I love going out in the rain and just, getting rained on to the bone. everyone was against the idea. I suppose it is juvenile but who says we have to grow up and act a certain way.

I've been on a Interpol, Modest Mouse, Neutral Milk Hotel, Led Zepplin, Greatful Dead, Paulson and Motion City Soundtrack kick. What a fuckin weird combination. Seriously?


and note to self; stop going for what you can't have. no seriously.

anyways. peace. work till mad late. life after perhaps? Only time will tell.

a cigar would rule at life right now.

i need to live up to my standards.
i am sucking lately at being me.
i have all these huge goals
and simply no motivation.


a cigar would make this better.