Saturday, November 22, 2008

okay, so its been a while.
i've been keeping a written journal lately.
so we can blame my lack of internet life updates to a real journal.


tonight is bizarre. and boring. and no one is around.
its so terrible i don't even want to write, actually.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

just a smidgen.

on my head.

its really in a million places, I am absorbed in all this free time I've had today. My first day off in weeks, from both class and work.. and I feel bored. It was a pretty brilliant day. Yousef and I hung out with Amanda and Allen and then went to Manny, John, and Ericks house for a tad. After we went on an adventure and didn't return home until, about four thirty in the morning. We slept in until like one o clock or so, maybe later. We lounged for a bit, i made us french toast and we were out the door again. Only this time to visit a friend of his from FDU.

He skipped class and we were lazy once again, ha. But he went to work. He'll be back tonight at like four am.  None of my roommates are home. I called my friend Karson from home to chat it up. But now I'm bored again, and slightly exhausted, and alone. Well, pete my kitten is in bed with me? Music is my TV and I am just relaxing, letting my mind wander in swirls, thinking so thickly, sensitive to so many things.

I feel like i am writing as I am thinking, I apologize. I need to clear my head.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

coming together.

everything has been pretty brilliant, and has been coming together.

in a few days, internet and cable will finally be hooked up in my apartment. for a month, we've been living without internet, minus the small bit we get in one room when our neighbors are home, and without TV. Its not hard, but frustrating when you need to research for school, or check your email to find out class has been canceled. I'll prolly be online a tad more often.

other things are coming together also, interesting or not. Our kitchen is the cutest, we finally have a quaint little table and chairs, placemats, flowered silverwear, funky plates, and odd kitchen gadgets.

our living room is a disaster, only because we have nothing for it still. But, with rent due in a few days, I believe we will be buying couches and such within the week. Its pretty pathetic looking to be honest, clean, but dull.

I painted my room blood red, bright red. My sheets are golden satin, and my bedspread is red, orange, yellow, purple, magenta, etc- all the hues and colors of the red palet. There is a small desk and my closet is organized. I'm getting a dresser in the next few days so that my clothes won't be on the floor forever.

I am so thrilled with this apartment.

My boyfriend comes over often, which is great. Mostly because it was a lot more difficult to get together or even talk over the summer. I mean, once we started going on dates we made time to actually go on the next, and after we made it more official, we worked around eachothers schedule happily. We spend a lot of time together, even if its weird time. He usually comes over after work, four, five, six, one time seven in the morning. So most of our time consists of sleepovers and a smooch before one of us runs to class. But we make the time count, even if we are sleeping. I don't mind having someone to snuggle with anyways, even if its only a few hours. Things are good, I think its safe to say. Its been a week long sleepover, going on two.


Life is good, busy but great. Wish i had more time to see my friends, I go to work, class, sleep, and sometimes go out. Its harder to go out and do things when i know I have a house to take care of too. I'm hoping as i get more situated, I will be able to see more friends more often.





yeah, the end.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

hey real quick.

i am going to make this very brief for two reasons, one because I have a lot of shit do today that can not be wasted on online blogging, and two because I am borrowing my housemates laptop since mine is no longer recently alive.

but i wanted to take these five minutes to stop and appreciate how good things are for the moment. everyone is so quick to complain, myself included, so for a change I am going to do the opposite. I've just moved out, its been a week. I have a lovely duplex home/apartment type place to live with three other fantastic girls. Its a ten minute drive to school and a five minute drive (i can even walk!) to work. Its reasonably priced as well. We all have our own rooms. We have almost a brand new kitchen. We have a balcony of the living room. We have painters coming in today to give it a fresh coat, and carpet cleaners already took care of the floors. We are all in love with our new little place. I am very content with living here, and not at school, or even driving from home. My room faces the street. A quiet and charming montclair street, I wake up to kids walking to school, a train rolling in a block away, and the sound of airplanes. I think at this point anyone who knows me understands how much i love airplanes. I am so happy and thrilled to be moved out, and feel more accomplished that even though it will be hard, I am paying for everything on my own.

the second great thing going on in my life, is that i have come to terms with a lot of my friendships. Such as, I have learned how to let go of trying to be friends with people who clearly have no mutual interest. Maybe, they will come around. But I've been calling, texting, visiting, attempting to visit, inviting, etc manyy manyy people out these past two-three weeks trying to express my love and interest in these friendships. I have found that maybe, they will come around. But in the mean time I am lucky to have multiple other good friendships that have been taking of my time and lonely fears. Lunch dates. evening romps, mini shopping sprees, ikea visits,  town romps, walks, drinking nights, etc. I am so happy and fortunate to have everyone in my life, regardless of how often or little I see them.

and lastly, which may be the least talked about topic in my life, for fear of jinxing it, I have a boy in my life these days. Which is brilliant in multiple ways, but to save myself from sounding like a cheese ball or some repetitive romance novel, I will spare details. Basically, we both agree that we have almost effortless chemistry, and I can't say its ever been so good before. And just to throw out how great he is, this boy got home from work at six in the morning, woke up at eleven, and drove to my home town all the way from Fort Lee to help me move out.







anyways, happy days. Today, I am going to Ikea for a new room, home depot for paint, and whole foods for yummy vegetarian goodness.

Monday, August 18, 2008

mid august.

and i can't believe its, well.. mid august. I have decided with little arguing with myself that I worked too much this summer. On a positive note, it gave me responsibility, a place to be besides home, and a reason to not spend my summer bored and alone. But with that, I missed out on a decent amount of thing, like vacations and catching up with friends.

its really hard to stay in touch with everyone you love and care about more than just a hey whats up via myspace message every three weeks. but i can say, that i tried. and i can also say, that in return most of my friends, did not try. I am looking forward to go back to school to see familar faces and old friends. I don't think I established to many friendships though, I met a lot of people, but hung out with the same five both semesters. I don't think anyone is looking forward to seeing me. I sound like an emotional mess, but I assure you I am okay with this.

In a review of the summer so far, I can say it was a summer of responsibility and freedom. I worked six to seven days a week, and commuted to work. -just to fold scene kids tee shirts and ring up angry parents. But I am not complaining. Being so far from home gave me the oppurtunity to be everywhere. I spent my summer in friends beds, in montclair, wycoff, and fort lee. I spent weekends in the city with friends and coworkers, as well as some fun house parties and other assorted events. In a sense, I feel lucky that I was able to take time out of my day to actually enjoy people.

on a not to fun note, i'm so stressed about school. I want to transfer so badly. I still don't have housing. My parents won't help me move out, which means I have to maintain an almost full time job, take seventeen credits, drive my ass around, and feed myself. I'm unsure if I can do this on my own. SO, I almost dropped out of school so I could afford to move out of this damn county, and was going to take night classes at FIT. So work all day, school at night. But, I don't think I am doing that anymore. SO hectic. Anyways, I'm off.. its 11pm but I have to be up at six to get my car fixed. {tire blew doing seventy on eighty, woo, in pine brook! hispanic guy in an audi named roberto who spoke no english and was shorter than me changed it for me, double woo} and after, I am either off to the shore with my boy and his friends, where we will meet nikki (shes on vacation there) or he is going to come up here so we can kayack or something. So sleep deprived.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

lame.

it's as though no one thinks I am human these days. Hello, I too get offended or hurt or downright angered by others peoples actions of lack of actions. I have the worst luck with friends, my whole life. I need new friends. With the exception of about three people. You know who you are, and I thank you a thousand times over for always being there, meeting me half way on actually being friends, and always being sincere and understanding.



ugh. people.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

december 31st 2006

was when this was written and I am getting rid of an old blog, and this entry stuck out, as it is a review and list of goals of 2006.


reflection.
I'd like to silver line this and drench you in boastful lines of my accomplishments and memorable moments before this year concludes. But in all honesty, I can't. And it is not because I had a bad year. This year, regardless of its lowest lows, was really incredible. For one, I'm still here, I'm breathing. I'm not starving. I'm in good health. I'll keep the things I looked upon as milestones in my life in my head, jumbled with all my other thoughts.
But this year was an in depth year of self-awarness. and growth. I laid the line down for what future I'm interested in. I discovered some hidden emotional strengths I never knew I had. I faced loss, and trust, and honor. I rose above people that pissed me off and I stuck with the ones I love.
But as this year comes to an end.. I just want to soak it all in. But I can't. For one I have a horrible visual memory.. and two.. There is to much! But I wanted to say this, for myself.
With what has happened, good or bad, and will happen in the future, I'm so ready. Show me the world and bring on my life because I feel ready. I'm looking forward to understanding myself more this new year (as I don't know who I am) and to facing new challenges. I have so many goals, and each day that passes is one day less I have untill I achieve them.
I'm going to get into a collge I love. I will keep the relationships I established with friends in high school. I'm going to get lost on one of those islands in may. I'm going to count my basketball bruises like blessings. I'm going to learn more sign language so I can communicate with my brother. I'm going to fight seniorits as best I can (not!), I'm going to value the people I look up to even more this year, I'm going to get tickets to olympus fashion week bryant park again, I'm going to learn how to ballroom dance, I'm going to finish Houston, I'm going to deliver an incredible president farewell speech at STATES, I'm going to seek out full happiness in everything I do so I never feel like I wasted a breath. No regrets. Its 2007 and I'm so ready to be challenged again.
bring it on.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

lets be brief.

i love bullets. especially when i don't have anything legit to write about, just mental updates to keep track of my life.

1. friday night I slept over Nikks house, where we played the lets catch up game. Always lovely seeing that woman. We hit up a chill party at manny and johns place. Even though we didn't drink (okay so i had one PBR) it was fun. A lot of people from school showed up, its always nice to see everyone happily having a place to drink instead of cramming in a dorm room, getting shushed every five minutes, in between minus the bear songs haha.

2. saturday morning we went to look at an apartment in montclair. i think its adorable for us. I'm not sure how she feels about it because it was a tad run down. but it had that old charm, worn in feeling that i feel like montclair has. it was clean and well kept, so nothing crazzzy.

3. after work on saturday i went on some crazy adventure to pick up my boy, who was in the same town as work. I ended up getting oddly lost due to cell phones and alcohal messing up street signs. We ended up getting back to fort lee where we met up with his friends. One of his friends has a bar in his basement so we all relaxed there. We invested in some woodchuck beer which is pretty damn brilliant. Creations of shots were always up for grabs, so lets just say my taste testing got me a little silly. It was good to feel silly with everyone and laugh everything off.

4. Sunday we slept in and headed out to the city, tompkins square park (sp?) for a leftover crack show. wow, lets just say that was way interesting. the scene had such a great vibe to it, i just looked like a herb. Standing in a crowd of liberty spikes, forties, army pants, facial piercings, shaggy hair, total modern grunge rock, in my little vintage flat sandles, denim bermudas, a huge hippie inspired scarf and a fringed suede bag. Such a HERB. but the show was fun. People doing dope behind us, hopping fences, chanting FUCK THE POLICE, burning huge american flags and waving them around. Quite the experience. My boy, his friend, and I took it all in with a few Sparks which got me feeling a bit buzzed. We roamed the city until like, eleven at night. I can't even tell you what we were doing. We didn't even stop for dinner or anything, literally roamed around. Good fun, and the first sunday i've taken off since about febuary. When we finally arrived back in fort lee, we visited his friends again. We all hung out outside on the patio chatting it up. I think we left around two am. It was a well spent sunday.

5. Monday we slept in, but I had work at three. Monday was a terrible night to say the least. A lot of dramaaaaa going on between friends, family, and work. None of its connected but to have all three being shitty at the same time is out of control. If work sucks, you'd want to see your friends. If your friends suck, you'd want to see your family. If your family sucks, you'd want to get to work. But I have no grace period or mercy spot. Everything has been so strange. The high light of monday, at least evening/night was dinner with Alex and Jayro on break.

6. Today wasn't much better. I've been in a really pensive mood. I've been letting multiple things get to me personally that I have no control over. And as much as i'd like to create some sort of intervention, there is no way that I can. So i let it nibble at my brain all day. And of course, being me means not having it in me to talk about it. So, I don't. Thankfully Nikki came to my rescue today. And Lindsey gets honorable mention.

7. Tomorrow I'm waking up really early to head to the beach with a handful of my montague friends. This summer has been strange because I barely see anyone. I'm so fortunate that they have reached out to me. I feel like little-none of my friends make any effort to actually try and hang out. I have invited everyone I consider friends (with the exception of like, two people) to hang out, lets get lunch tomorrow, come to the beach on friday!, I miss you lets hang out when you have off this week, hey a group of us are going to the diner, my friend is having a party i want you to come with me! And its weird when you don't get that other half of the friendship reached out to you. Not to mention this past week I seriously got raped in the ass by like threee different friends over things that were blown out of proportions. I can think of a handfull of people who are lame this summer. If you are worried its you, it most likely is. But thanks to everyone who has made an effort, it has not gone unnoticed. and for that, I am thankful. You know who you are! I still love everyone though, regardless if you have been lame about loving me back ;)

8. Okay, so the beach. Rented a cheeeesy motel room! Like ten of us going to spend the day at the beach and to get sloppy. Knowing me I'll have like two beers and play mom. Ever since the first semester came and went, I have been unable to get shit faced... with a fewww exceptions. But knowing that none of us have to drive, we have a warm place to sleep, and that i'm in good company who has been there for me before, I'll get a tad silly. Regardless, all i want is that beautiful sunshine, tan lines, and that salty ocean. ipod on neutral milk hotel!

9. Technically be backkk thursday but since my mom will be away on business I will most likely not try to be home. I'll crash at manny and johns, and get to work on friday. My boy has off friday so i'll spend the night in fort lee and hit up work saturday. Its going to be a long week.

10. I feel like such a nomad. and i do this to myself. but im not complaining, because if i couldn't rely on good friends and loved ones, i'd be miserable at home.

Friday, August 1, 2008

knots.

ugh, i hate that terrible feeling, where you insides are tossing and turning and blending together. You know what I mean right? All because you hope you made the right choice. I need some more time before I can feel better in my stomach and know I made the right choices. Its so ironic. This whole thing.

anyways, rafting today was a great success. Eight of us took a seven mile trail down the delaware. It pretty much turned into war as EJ, Danny, and Mike attacked my boat, which had Bree Heather Sarah and Rachel in it. They stole all our oars and knocked us all out. We could barely get ourselves back in the damn boat let alone get anywhere once we managed to get back in. We dicked around for a while, soaked up some sun, and chilled at soe cliffs for a while. Mike managed to climb every one and successfully jump off at every height which made us all look like babies. I literally took a three step shuffle toward jumping off and almost vomitted. Fun fact: I have a terrible fear/phobia of falling. Not afraid of heights, just the falling process. I thought today would be the day I would face that fear, but I was wrong. Hopefully next time. Overall, a great fucking day.

Going to Wycoff tonight to see my girl Nikki. So I'm about to pack my bag for the weekend. Be back tuesdddday morning.

have a good, sillly weekend.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

National Institute of Mental Health

Okay so the title has nothing to do with this entry. When I clicked the Title box a list of already typed things from someone elses search popped up, and this was the first one that caught my eye. so comic relief perhaps?


my beach day was pretty damn fabulous. it was me and my two younger sisters, maria and lucia. we left early to get there in time to catch some early sun. After locking my keys in the trunk only ten minutes away from the beach, (and having to use marias nail file to pick the lock) we arrived in one piece, laughing our asses off at my stupid gesture. It was even Lucias suggestion to pick the lock but maria pulled a quick super bitch and barked down her throat, "Shut up lucia that would never work."

We pretty much hung out all day and relaxed. Maria and I soaked up some sun while Lucia cleared the beach of seashells. I'm talking bags full. Don't ask why we let her keep so many. We also forced her into the ocean, even though she was a big baby about it, she'll thank us someday. We didn't even leave the beach until like seven pm.

when we got home, which was pretty late. Maria, Matt, Karson and I caught some fireworks at the stadium and chatted it up. We followed it up with a diner experience. The only diner Karson and I eat at. Not that this is signifigant to you, but I actually ordered a dinner. I almost always order eggs or a linzar tart haha.

My boy coming to visit me didn't work out exactly as plannnned. So I went to Fort Lee instead. I met up with him after work and we took a nice long walk to meet up with his friends and all chatted it up at some little hot spot in the woods, off this park, near the GW bridge. Its a really beautiful sight. Especially with a beer in hand. The night got a little silly but it was fun. He had work the next day early for a change so I pretty much slept all day (we didn't even get back to his house until four, let alone when ever we fell asleep.) until he came back. Which turned into a cheese-it fest. Later on he had a BBQ at his house with his friends which was also really relaxed and fun. Pre-BBQ turned into a quest to find me a veggie burger, haha, but it turned out to be a good night. and a good visit. Hes pretty darn cute. and fun.

Tomorrow is lunch with bethany and joannn before work. which is awesome because its been such a long time. prettty bummed that I missed nicks birthday festivities today because I got out of work so so late, all due to work drama that I am trying to keep really far out of. Point is, I missed my oburg boys tonight!! And I MISS them so much. Friday is rafting with my mtown crew, so excited to have an adventure. Join me? us?

bla bla I am too lazzzy to write about anything important. I feel funny typing on the family computer anyways.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

happy bullets.

thanking god for living. and taking time out to appreciate how lucky i am and will be.

-spent the weekend at nikkis, swimming and relaxing and catching up on being brilliant friends. we went to our favorite little bar/party friday night. It was the first time we had gone out to it in a month or so. The party was a bit beat but we were just so happy to be thereee. We drove in which was a near death experience, I will spare you the details out of embarrasment. We drank stellas, which is our together beer. Well, I had almost a whole one he.

-I went jogging at 6am with maria and mike. I should probably do that again sometime even though they out ran me with flying colors.

-spent wednesday night roaming through the city trying to find this art gallery. Once we found it, my boy and i hit the bar for a drink, spent a good part of the night playing in the rain, trying to figure out buses, and returning back to fort lee where we just cheezed it all night. Must note that this was the best night in a long while. =)

-beach tomorrow. its my first day off from working since.. the 14th or 15th. Something crazy like that. So I am excited to see that beautiful ocean. I am taking maria and lucia with me for a sisterly day at the beach. This will be lucias first time in the ocean.

-tuesday my boy is coming up my way for a changeeee. I'm going to take him to a few waterfalls hot spot areas. Not sure which one(s) yet.. but should be fun.

-friday i am going water rafting with a bunch of my mtwon lovies. its been a while since I have done this, and feels like a longer while since I've seen some of these wonderful faces. I am excited to see who shows up.

-I am content. I am hopeful. I am convinced. I am positive. I am ready.

Monday, July 21, 2008

things and stuff.

Today I did some heavy thinking. I'd like to pretend that all of this thinking will find its way onto this cheesey internet blog but its obvious that it won't. For the simple fact that I can not follow my mind easily, and I don't want readers to attempt to follow also.

I've been so hopeful lately. But when hope is followed over and over again with failure you tend to take two steps backward, and one step forward. Eventually you could end up in the negatives. I'm going to try and explain myself the easiest way possible, I have to warn you that this will jump alot but will come together. If it doesn't come together sensibly, welcome to the inside of my brain.

While driving today I saw the teeniest, newest fawn, veneered in bright polka spots and a big black nose carefully shriveled up in the road. It was evident that someone had just hit the poor thing. In fact it could have well may be still taking its last breaths. And as I drove past, it sparked a whole series of thoughts.

Death is amongst the highest rated fears among people. We plan our life ready to die. After all it is the only thing garenteed in life, right? But we work hard to make money to live, to save for retirement, kids. We purchase life insurance, and sometimes our own funeral plots. We boast that this generation will live the longest. Many once life threatening diseases are easily treated with man made liquids and other strange discoveries. We use clever little catch phrases like, when I'm old and dying, or when I get old, or when my grandchildren grow up, etc etc.

Are we so ignorant to believe, and to easily forget, that death doesn't have an age? It sees no reason or mercy. We are all not going to die at seventy two or eighty nine. In fact, our fate could be much, much sooner. It could be in the next few minutes, tomorrow, twelve years from now. That baby deer, sure it may have not had any concept of death, but it was less than a few days old and was already nothing but flesh and blood. Even Darwin couldn't argue that getting struck by a car is "survival of the fittest."

I lost a friend this time two years ago. I rarely talk about it because I feel I have no say in talking about his death and I find it rather uncomfortable to remember him, as my friend who passed away- so bear with me. This friend was a childhood friend who lived down the street from me. We were very good friends one summer, and in fact he was my first real crush as a kid. We spent the summer going to the pool, playing basketball, and going over each others houses for dinners. We spent long hours talking and laughing and telling secrets. After this one particular summer ended, so did the closeness of our friendship. As the years progressed our friendship decreased, but without any bad blood- just timing. We saw each other every summer and remained chatty. Except for one summer, when before we left our junior year of high school, he was fatally injured in a car crash and died at the scene. Just like that. Seventeen years of life, the complexity of it, vanished in a heap of metal and one bad decision. I did not attend his funeral because I refused to remember him in death. To me, he is still laughing away, talking to me about his aspiration of growing up to become a lawyer. He was a good kid.

No one ever expects to die so young. Sometimes I wonder how everyones lives would be different if he didn't drive that day. He could have been in love, making someone life complete. He could have been teaching kids and making a difference in their life. Think of all things you have accomplished and seen, the people you have met in the last five years. Now immagine that you hadn't. It doesnt even make sense how much different everyones life would have been.

We need to stop living for tomorrow and start living for today. Everything could end in a moment. What you spent your whole life trying to prepare for the future and you never got to it? I'm not saying take out your savings account and buy lavish things and drive the car you've always wanted. I'm saying, tell your loved ones they are loved. Don't think twice to left. Think twice to judge. Remember to treat others how they want to be treated. Heck, go learn how to tapdance. Drive stick. Sail a boat. Speak german. We are all dying but only some of us are really living. Where do you fall under?

and I have been so hopeful that I too am living my life. I count my blessings everyday, and thank god for the good things instead of curse the bad things. I try to sacrafice some of myself to make life better for others, whether it is offering lunch, opening the door, telling a joke, or being the (consistant) DD. But sometimes I feel like I am not living to my fullest capacity.

In fact being little was probably the best time of my life. Not only did you have little to no worries, you certaintly were not worried about dying and planning for the future. I was concerned with waking up early to go out and ride bikes. How to get out of taking a shower so I could go out early and climb trees. Who would be home to play tag. I'd like to go back in time, to the only time in my life where I might have felt like I belonged. When I had a closet and a bed to sleep in, my height through the years etched into my doorway, a nightlight, a bed full of stuffed animals, and a diary. When ever I dream I am home at 57 Constiution Way. I'm at my seat in the kitchen, in those old fabric chairs, eating out of the floral dishes and my peter rabit cup. My grandfather is across the table informing me on everything there is to know.. like where telephone poles come from and how to make motorcycle sounds.

but i am not. I am here. Stuck at the weird age of nineteen, trying to live to the fullest. Trying to be serious about my future while remembering to live for today. And although I think I do better at living hard than most people, I am never satisfied. I feel distant as usual, and trapped at this awkward age. Wishing to be young and innocent, unaware that my old childhood friend would die. That my grandfather would too. That I would be stuck without a bed to claim as my own, and a hometown to feel home in.

I could die tomorrow and I would not be ready. I have so much more to give and to live before I prove that I am worthy to move onto the next adventure. I tell myself at least a hundred times everyday, You will succeed. You will succeed. You will get there. You will get there. You will not give up. You will not give up. To remind myself to stay positive and optimistic.

I could end up like the baby deer, like my old friend, like my grandfather. I could. I really could end up like either. Innocent and unknowing, reckless and quick, informed and slow.

I don't fear death, just not living life to the fullest. I honestly have so much love to give.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

have you ever..

believed in something so much, wanted something so badly that you let in run through your mind for days ? with hope to understand it, with wishfulness to achieve it? and at the end of the day while you are lying in bed fighting insomnia, hoping for pleasent dreams, thought yourself into craziness? i've searched for the answers, i've destroyed my brain and all the intricate nerves that tangle into the limbs of my body. and i am still where I started. In fact, right where I started, winding in such terribly oval circles that i've forgotten where I last thought, as clever as a goldfish. Back to the blank canvas in hopes to understand it, with wishfulnss to achieve it.

Clearly, this entry makes no sense to you, in some sick twisted way this is exactly my thoughts. I want the answers so badly. I hate games. I am so god damn blunt.

Is it so terrible that this is all because, I want something good to happen to me. This could change my way of thought, bring sleep in my nights, the feeling og security, liveliness and color to my cheeks. Is it selfish, terrible, ridiculous that this is all because I am enjoying this lingering happiness. This possible oppurtunity to feel again in ways I have seriously forgotten? Call me ungrateful, selfish, terrible, bash me so ignorantly in your little comment replies, but in the end I just want to believe in what you all already have. and what I don't.

be kind to me. I am being hopeful.

Monday, July 14, 2008

life is good.

ignore that last entry.


i'm changing my mindset, staying positive, laughing as often as possible, and going out and living life almost every night. whether i'm in montclair, hoboken, wycoff, wanaque, manasquan, seaside, vernon, hampton, etc etc etc i've been on the go trying to live hard. and see as many familiar faces.

seeing friends from home has made me feel very grounded lately. i've been so far away from this little shithole that i havn't had time to appriciate it. I'm planning on making myself see differently: patience and optimisim.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

blank.

Usually my mind is always full. Racing and weaving with thoughts and actions, recording memories carefully in place, taking note of every little observation. Its usually playing back everything I am seeing, I can feel it tell my body how to move and where to turn. I feel it thick with thoughts, pushing through my skull untill it crumbles in and a succumb to nothingness.

but lately its been blank. a clean slate. as empty as the insides of a dead and decaying body. I feel so rejected from myself because of this. Its like I have let myself become okay with feeling content. Instead of chasing that adventure or pushing myself to do exactly what I invision, I have become the bystander in my own life. It is sickening me. I have let myself become okay with this, whatever this is.

I have no way of fighting this either. I do not know how to change it except to simply tell myself over andd over again. But telling yourself when your mind is blank, over and over again.. is like typing a document, watching it come across the screen and print itself line by line. Its not actually you doing it. Telling myself is like nothing. I guess I have so much to say to people, who will never know how I feel.

In fact I think that is exactly what it is. I have so much inside of me waiting to be expressed. Months and months of failed attempts and unsaid actions piling up and filling my brain with a slate of stone. I do not know how to talk to people about me, about how I feel. About the exact way my mind is thinking. I get uncomfortable and nervous and fear that its not that important, that I may offend or worry someone. Its so complicated. And feeling as though I can't tell anyone how I feel, especially those who have hurt me or made me umcomfortable and deserve to know drives me to think in circles. It makes me paranoid and exhausted. In the end, it makes me feel alone.

Maybe the focal point of this blurb of nothingness, is in the end, I just feel.. lonely.














and feeling lonely is very uncomfortable for me to admitt. but, i just did?

Sunday, June 29, 2008

nothing important.

i'm going to start this of with a complaint, about how much i really dislike my waitressing job. I've been debating quitting for weeks and weeks now. But something always holds me back. But today really iced the damn cake and I almost walked out. Our manager felt the need to not hire a bartender today so on top of having eight tables, I had to make their drinks. May not sound like a huge deal to you, but when you have dinner, salads, desserts, apps, and every other "get me another napkin" request, making mixed drinks is the last thing you want to do. Especially when you don't know how to bartend and don't drink often enough how to make drinks. it was terrible.

i also had four or five tables of people who didn't speak decent english. which means five dollar tips of fifty dollar tables. so frustrating.

and the reason why I am the grumpiest; I fell today in the kitchen. Okay, so laugh if you'd like. But its tile floors and they are always wet and dirty because the ice machine leaks and there are like four sinks an the dishwashers are always spilling onto the floor- let alone breaking cups of beverages and fallen plates. Its a mess. I slid down the ramp and fell on my side and broke all four plates that were in my hand. My leg is bruised all the way from the knee to the hip and my shoulder and neck are so stiff. I can't move my neck smoothly in certain directions. My mom wants me to go to the hospital, but I fucking hate doctors and medicine. I've seen both fuck up my sister {on one example of a doctors smooth move, stayed up all night with my sister who was almost passed out from an overdose of their prescribed medication nightmare) Basically, I won't go but I'm not telling anyone that I am in terrible pain and feeling light headed.

work blows.

------------------
I went to see fireworks the other day with my sister and her boyfriend. I also went because April would be there. There is something about fireworks that just captivates me. I could watch them all day. Something about how they swirl into the sky so recklessly beautiful and crash and fade with such a statement, it just gets me every time. That, and the mystery of how the end will turn out, how it will sound, how big its colorful umbrella will burn, when the next one will return. I think they make me feel so innocent because my mom would take maria and i every year to see them. And we would go an hour early to find the best spot to lay our picnic blanket on and buy those glow bracelets. We'd run up and down the hill, careful not to trample on anyone elses saved spots, whirling our bracelets. And when they came we'd lay down and tremble from the noise, holding our ears tightly, staring in awe.

we watched the fireworks, and it put me in such a calm, brilliant mood. Maybe because I felt so little again. And even though this a pretty lonely summer for me, romantically, I never get sick or jealous of seeing those cute summer couples, so happy and blissful. Like my sister and her boyfriend who were more into looking at eachother than the fireworks. I feel like most people would be turned off or disgusted being surrounded by happy couples. It somehow gives me hope, that there is still good in this world.

after the show, matt, maria, april, tommy and i went to get ice cream. which was a silly mess. and after i drove past the house I grew up in, which was kind of painful. I don't know why I miss that teeenie apartment so much. But everything about it, the window panels, the block, the bushes in the front. it makes it hard for me to breathe. I want to jump out of my car, bang on the door, and demand to be let in my house. and I want to look at every crevice, I want to see if the writings are on the walls, if my moms murals are still in the living room, if their is still fire marks in the basement from the fire we had on new years eve fifteen years ago.

to this day, when i dream, I an always in that house, in that backyard. I have yet to have one dream in this house. And we have been here for almost five years now.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

quick list.

its been a while. and i've been telling myself its time to write about everything i'm thinking- i think it'll be a good entry, but once again time does not permit. in fact, i'm off again. but here is a little quick list of whateverthe hell i've been doing lately, before i forget.

1. on my way to my middle school reunion. hopefully it doesn't blow. should be interesting.
2. watched blue velvet last night, still freaked the fuck out. had to pause the movie a legit three times to talk myself back into watching the rest. creeeepy!
3. its everywhere and i'm going crazy, every where. and now i'm starting to see birch trees again. this won't make sense to you, but makes perfect sense to me. i need to go back before its too late.
4. my dreams have been nightmares recently.
5. i slept over john, kdons, mannys, and ericks place this week. just stating that i love those dogs.
6. super gruby-hot european guys were flirting with me on the drive to work a few days ago. wish this happened everyday- the commute wouldnt be so bad. three cute guys in soccer uniforms, who held up the classis CALL THIS ### sign.
8. had dinner with boof a few nights ago. this was incredible and well overdue. we had some interesting conversations, to say the least ha.
9. had lunch/dinner with alex after work. which is more of a comedy routine than dinner.

Monday, June 23, 2008

giving myself credit.

that despite my crazy schedule, i'm still taking time out of it to see people who i love.

considering i work six to seven days a week, and spend a bit over two hours on the road each day (okay, yes I have established that this is crazy, but thanks) I come home and wonder how the days all blended together.

i'm going to try and revied the week or so. I need to document things so I don't forget what i've done. sad, but true.

tuesday night I visited my boys from school at their new place, which was really awesome. I only really hung out with john and manny because erick went out and kdons was upstairs with his lovely girlfriend. But we watched family guy andd had a chatfestt, nothing crazy. i crashed with manny and went to work in the morning.

wednesday i met up with a few of my friends from home, heather, bree, and danny. We went to a party in PA. It wasn't too far from their home town. But besides that, it was awesome seeing them because we had such a good summer last year. They wanted to go out and party hard because they were graduating high school on thursday. So anyways, we end up at some house. Everyone is oddly nice in PA. I'm not sure why. Bu we walked in and everyone wanted to meet us and say hello. I was semi freaked out at first because everyone was super scene. In conversation with one girl we were talking about our summer and how we work too much, I even got the an obnoxious "OH MY GAWD YOU WORK THERE I LYKE SHOP THERE ONLINE ALL THE TYME!" but besides that awkward experience, and some kid who tried pulling the let me show you how to hold a pool stick while talking about his time in jail, it was a pretty decent party. I got slightly drunk, first time in many, many weeks. But only because I knew we were all crashing there- no one was driving. and it was a house party. two good reasons to drink. Things got heated, and everyone had to leave the party after some dumb hoes in skirts and hollister polos came in starting drama with the girl " who looked at me weird." Bitches getting gangsta and doors were slamming. I pointed at her andd laughed in her face. oh she loved me. Anyways, good times. Since they had school in the morning, I ended up home at six forty five am. i was able to sleep, recover, and get my ass to work.

thursday night I don't believe I did anything besides come home very, very late.

friday night I had off, so I slept in. I reorganized my closet and drawer space- which needed to be done. And maria and i went to, well we tried to go to the waterfalls but when we got there it looked like a storm was going to come. It wasn't worth the ten minute hike to get rained on. So we ditched that, and headed to my favorite homemade icecream palor. After that, i went to nikkis. Well, first I picked up claudia and jess, two girls I work with, in montclair, than drove to nikkis house, than to kearny. You don't want to know how much driving that was. It was rough, but I was trying to do everyone a favor, so everyone could come out to rogers party. Which, ended up being pretty fun like last time. I only had like, three beers or so. I had a teenie buzz for a bit but I stopped myself before i could actually get buzzed. There were a lot of people I knew there, most were coworkers. But I enjoy everyone I work with so it was fun to hang and chat and pretend we don't work. It was good fun, lots of laughing, and such. After I slept at nikkis house, where we slept in and ate like kings after. We layed outside, floating on those pool loungers for a few hours. gloriousssssssssss. A hot, hot day, laying half way in very cold water floating around talking with your other half. life ruled. untilll, i had to leave for work.

after work on saturday i went to the burg to see my old, but still veryyy good friendd from high school JJ. He is one of, not only but one of, the only friends ihave from my high school that still makes an effort to talk to me. and not just talk, but we are still very close friends which is great. but anyways, he only came back from school for the weekend and was leaving the next day. So i went to see my boys from the burg. JJ, danny, nicky, brandon, and sunny were there. Gary had already left when I arrived. I love the shit out of hese guys you don't even understand. We stayed up all night bull shitting, drinking a few beers, and tellling old stories. We talked so much that i had to excuse myself at six in the morning. six! I left Js house with a soar tummy from laughing and more memories to add.

today, after work I met up with bethany for dinner at panera. we needed our girl chat, we caught up on so so so so much. we really needed it, i dont know how to stress enough. She is one of the girl friends that we just get eachother about bullshit, specifically guy bullshit. listening to us talk is like, watching sex and the city hahaha. I'm so happpy I got to see her and her fine self. I could go on forever about how much fun we've had for such a short time knowing eachother but, some other time perhaps.

after dinner I made a list of seventeen things I needed to do before I called it a night. I only did not do three of them, one which was out of my control. I feel accomplished that I time managed and worked on what needed to be worked on. Sometimes I doubt myself because I feel like such a buzy scatter brain, but given the focus and drive, i'm your woman!

anyways, good night for now. I'm supposed to go to Toms River tomorrow for a party after work but the fear of the long drive and being too tired is killing me. I really want to see my friend though, but, we'll see.




and on a side note: i've been thinking so much recently. I'm digging through my brain for answers to questions I havn't even figured out how to ask to myself. I feel like my brain is bleeding from trying so hard to make something out of nothing. but I know there is something, something lingering somewhere deep, now allowing me to make the connection. and to find the answers.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

fuel.

things have been strange, but after a few personal ups and downs, I decided I'd have to change my mindset. I have a really long drive to and from work almost every day, so I have a lot of time to turn the music off and contemplate everything that doesn't mean anything, and all which sadly does. I've been in a rut, at least my thinking. I can't explain it in a way that would make sense, let alone make me sound anything but crazy. So, I won't. But lets just say I'm at a strange point in my life. You know when you are thirteen, how you aren't a kid anymore, and you're not a teenager? Thats sort of how I feel about myself lately. This time last year, I had immagined myself in a complete different place. When I saw myself not ending up in this pre-destined vision, I was pretty bummed. But, by not ending up down the path I saw for myself, I did come across some incredible people, learn some things the hard way, and enjoyed myself in ways I never knew I could. (so thats the bright side.) I guess I was filling my head up with past ambitions, feeling like I cheated myself, questioning my hardwork.

but, I am changing my mindset because I know I will get where I want to be. I am working for the life I know I can live. I will never get there though if I burry myself in woes and worries, and questions of my true purposes and ambitions. I have to use the negative feedback and churn it into motivation. Oh god, if you only knew the terrible things people said about my future. I feel like no one believed I could get out of this town. And if I could, how long I would last out in the real world before crawling home. But I'm not doing any crawling, and begging- I'm still heading out here, where ever here is. You just wait and see. To all the people who laughed at me in my tiny high school. For those who literally asked, if I would be "making overalls?" with a design degree. To teachers who said that i'd be "wasting so much of my hardwork if I went into fashion." And others who told me, "I am so ashamed of you." To admissions from various colleges who were angered when I declined their rides into medical school, for what I wanted to do. I need to change my mindset because I am not living for anyone else but me. This is my life, I plan on living it the way that makes me feel happiest. Who is to tell me just what makes me happy, when I know I know myself better than anyone else?

because in the end, if I die tomorrow can I look back at yesterday and say I was happy?


mark my words, I am on a search for a future that makes me feel complete, and I will get there. And for one of the first times in my life, I feel like I have meaning, that I am going somewhere. I have happiness in the choices I have control over. And considering I've grown up my whole life feeling alone, I finally feel like I might belong somewhere, here in my current journey. and for this, with its ups and downs, with my contined battle to feel like I belong, and my ability to turn your bullshit into fuel, I am learning how to be happy.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

a change of pace.

i need the waterfalls.
a heap of metal to sculpt.
a weekend at the beach.
to camp outside in my backyard.
to telll the truth.
and a bowl of cereal. yeah.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

yes, another list.

where to start?



1. i have not had a day off since last tuesday. i'm officially exhausted and living my life through paychecks and routines. i'm putting myself over the edge, where i one way ticket to anywhere in the world sounds better than the daily grind every day.



2. yesterday i worked during the day. after, Nelson picked me up at work and we headed to silk city where I was trying to get an appt. for my new tattoo. After, we peaked at the new UO store to say hey, check it out, and congrats the staff. They did really awesome in sales yesterday, but I still love my store more.



3. I was supposed to meet nikki at the mall. But her car went somewhat crazy on her wayy there. She picked me up, fixed our plans a tad, and decided to take nikkis dads car out. (I had left my car in montclair) We both took power naps after dinner, woke up at around ten and went back to montclair to my friend Alexs' birthday party. There were a lot, a lot of people there, a huge tub of beer, and nazi cupcakes. (don't ask?) I have to be really comfortable to drink, and with so many people being there, and all the little groups. etc, etc, I decided to stay sober. which workedd out for the better because the cops ended up breaking it up. I felt bad that it was his birthday and the cops came and caused such a big scene. I met up with my coworkers and their friends at a nearby diner instead with Nikki. Which in the end was pretty fun, just to chill, chat and laugh a little. After that, i slept over nikkis. She left sometime before nine am for work, I slept in and headed to wor myself a few hours after.

4. today was an interesting day. two years ago, today, my friend and first boyfriend ever died in a car accident. It lingered on my mind, it has the past week. He was the first person I knew personallly that died at my own age. Which, is bizarre. We tend to forget that at any age we could pass away, at any time, no matter what kind of person we are. And he, he was a good person who had a head on his shoulders and his act together. I can't immagine dying now. not now. dying, is forever, you know? and i didn't go to his funeral, i think the guilt will forever haunt me. I just hate remembering people in death, i like looking back and remembering life. Anyways, rest in peace johnny. We're praying for you but God knows you should really be praying for us.

5. things have been semi awful at home. They could be worse, but they could def be a lot a lot better. I'm counting down the days for school to begin again.

6. have you ever had a crush on someone so out of your league? I'm really good at doing that. I think I have a crush on someone. But I am terrifed to for two reasons, A.) That he could like me back, and B.) He could not. If their is similar interest, it could do well which freaks me out. But if I get denied it would be such a told-you-so kick below the belt, ya know? Nikki is convinced that i should not tell him how i feel, that you never should, but i'm very to the point about this kind of stuff. But than again, she gets guys and I don't. So, who knows?

7. So between those three things I guess i've been pretty drab. i don't mean to be either, i honestly don't. I don't know if I am obvious or if people care more than i thought. an not that i would spill my heart out at work like "OMG i lyke 2tally want so-n-so, and lyke i got into a fight about bla bla bla with such n such, and feel bad for me because of this" but i knew everyone had good intentions of asking me how i was doing. i wish i had it in me to say i appreciate it in a way that would really mean thanks, because no one has ever really asked me before. my coworkers (most) and some select friends are more like family to me than my family. Even though in the end I almost get shit on by everyone, i value friendship. Its the most love i've got at times.

8. i got out of work semi early today. and after all these ra-ras of a party happening. or a few. everything started canceling out prettttty quickly. To make a long story short, I hurried to close at work, stood in the rain for ten minutes trying to figure out where we going, sat in a parkinglot for an hour waiting, almost left for wycoff to pick up nikki to find she was in the city. Half of my group left to brooklyn, the other quarter went to a local bar. One or two went home. When my hour waiting in the parking lot was up, I was following a few more people to this party and they decided on their way not to go. So at eleven pm, i had no where to go, no place to sleep since nikki was going to stay in the city, and a long drive home. Not happy one teeniiiie bit.

9. If things can't get worse, they did. All i wanted to do was to crash in my own damn bed. and my sister, my nine year old sister decided to sleep in my bed. not only does she have her own bed, she was her own damn room. my old room. and i am very particular about my sleeping space. its like my only little cubicle of space in my house, or this place that i stay. my clothes and shoes are in boxes. i don't really own any other things. my bed is my place. i hate other people in it, like sleeping in it. no shoes, crumbs or clothes are ever on/in it. I am freaked out because of course, my sister is that grubby kid who my mom has to drag into the shower, the kid who plays in the dirt when shes at recess at school, the kid who will leave stains and crums all over her face and clothes after she gets finished eating. Yes, she is a slob. sleeping in my bed. I just want my bed haha.

10. i hate waitressing. my boss, who i've worked for, forever, who won't give me any more days than one day a week, called, left a message and said be in at 12 tomorrow instead of three. demanded. I just want to get treated with respect. How can you run a business if you don't give loyal employees hours/days to work, and than demand twelve hours before hand to come in hours earlier. He does this all the time. I think I am bitter and sick of serving lazy people food.

11. no comment.

12. i've been getting weird feelings lately. or again i should say. i know things, its been driving me crazy. i know the fate to too many things and projects and peoples wishes right now. sometimes i hate knowing. sometimes i feel gifted, at least thats how people tell me how i should feel. but tell me, is it a gift to feel the bad that is to come before it does? To fear alone? To know that telling someone would mean worrying them just as much?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

stay positive.

good things have to happen soon right? at least lie to me so I can have it in me to hope.
these past few days have been so terrible. but, even with this garbage, i will not give in or up.

Monday, June 9, 2008

a thousand times before.

1. as i've said a thousand times before, i wish i was able to communicate better with people on how i feel. i feel annoying if i do, like there are bigger things to worry about then whatever is going on inside my head. people are starving, dying, and in war- and me? i just have a head full of nothing and everything, and i also don't know how to say, i need to talk. and to avoid my terrible communication skills when talking about me, and the um and um well i don't knows that make me sound so brilliant- i just hide anything i may possibly be feeling with a positive attitude. which is good most of the time because i don't have to deal with people pretending to care. i've been told, "you're one of the strongest people that I know."

but how does being afraid make you strong? isn't fear a weakness? I'm not strong just good at lying about how i feel. how i really feel.

2. today, while folding shirts, the power went out. Strange perhaps, but the heat was so bad that there was a shortage. Not only was it my store, and the block it was on, but about five towns. We had to close down early which worked out nicely.

3. to kill time and avoid hitting rush our traffic, one of my coworkers and I decided to see a movie. We saw the strangers. Which, I'm not sure why because i hate scary movies. i was a pussy, this I will admitt. The movie wasn't even that scary, and i think it kind of sucked.

4. I bought a few fashion design books today at barnes and nobel. I try to pick one up every once in a while for my mini design library. So expensive though, since I usually buy artsy/teaching type books. But, i think i made a great investment today, a huge book on illustration. I nearly peed my pants. I spent the last three hours on the floor sketching and reading and trying new techniques.

5. oh and on a final note, that i don't feel like getting into: carmella, what are you trying to get yourself into? please stop believing everyone is good deep down, sucker.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

too bad they never knew.

well if you don't know, now you do, but sometimes I go on a writing streak. I usually have to be heavily moved. But, I am putting in this entry a few of my better blurbs through out the last year or so. They are all about relationships, and sadly enough I never had enough courage in me to show them how I really felt about them. So these poems are about people, who never knew. I changed the names of the poems because they are self named for the boy that made me feel that way. Enjoy some of my secrets.



poem one
Underneath your own skin I can feel
But can’t comprehend the tension in which
Is pleading to burst to explain the confusion
That swallows the silence we sit in.

But I desire to grasp the connection
That seems to be weaving within us
Cautioning both happily and playfully
All the things we are not yet, but could be.

And I care to much to make the wrong decisions
And i let my apprehension control my intuition
As i leap blindly into believing that
I can believe in you and all your intentions.

Engulfed in my own repeating questions
They’re so cleverly rooted in my head
I ask myself what progress this emotion
Is making, as I lay lonely in bed.

But you leave me hanging in your doorway
Anxiously awaiting a kiss that never pulls through,
And I can’t keep hanging in your driveway baby
Holding coldly on to hope that I’ll taste you.

Instead you leave me more questions
And a long ride on the road to home alone
Why you didn’t reach in softly to my face
While we stood there in the company of the full moon.

_________________________________________________________________

poem two.
Here we are, here and there
occupying negative spaces
between actual unsaid words
but clearly spoken within our faces.

Tell me everything again the way you did
about how it all was then
Take me back again to innocence
here and now, then and again.

Find the park in which we sat and tell me-
know not that I have forgotten what you've said
but spill your secrets and dreams and fears again
So I don't have to replay your voice inside my head.

I regret nothing of that time with you,
and on how that night stroll
led me to your bed in the morning
perhaps all that went wrong was, it ended.
______________________________________________________________

poem three
It never ends, it never fades
It never quits, and always stays.
This it, forever continues.
Your face invading dreams
and creating nightmares.

It never stops my anticipation
It never ceases my wondering.
Or yeilds my yearning for intervention
It'll always be a quetsion,
of whatever it is, ow it slipped away.

It'll remain on my mind while
Driving or laughing-
like a mystery, unsolved,
For whatever it is
I lost what I had loved,

Its gone, your gone,
The past defines us while
we rely on hope to move ahead
The future is now
and it's still gone.

____________________________________________________________

poem again?
The moon is full tonight in reflection
And he may comprehend just what I’m contemplating.
This consistent battle of heart or mind?
But we both know the heart wins sometimes.

In thick folds of the night sky
Tainted with freckles of light
I leave my heart with the slightest impression
That it’ll find its way through tonight.

I leave only a tincture of trust
Pinned delicately to Orion’s bow
With hope that he will hunt in the night
For the love I am to have and bestow.

I’ll sleep in sweet dreams through
This dreary, yet hopeful nightfall
And within my confessions to the navy bliss
I’ll ponder lightly of your kiss.

But only Scutum can save me now
From falling so fast into what does not exist
So I’ll tuck away my memories and hopes
And rely on my mind to compensate my hearts resistance.

Good night bright moon, buttoned carefully in the sky
Farewell Caelum, Hydra, and Sagittarius
Goodbye hopeful, unrealistic lonely heart.
After all we both know the mind wins sometimes
_____________________________________________________

last one, i swear.
It’s the way we lay beneath the sheets
Tucked away and tangled in our own skin
With our fingertips sinking carefully in
The curvature of our hips.

It’s the way we delicately move into
One another with a persistent aggression
That is neither over powering nor rough
But with simple, genuine intention.

It’s the way our lips lightly meet
And cleverly turn into kissing after
So much tense anticipation from
The ongoing and welcomed temptation.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

three things.

1. today was the lonliest day i've had in so long. but I wasn't alone, which is why it felt so lonely.

2. eleven is everywhere, i need help.

3. This time I want to take it slow
and try to keep this life in line
Maybe fall in love so
I can learn to love the night

Thursday, June 5, 2008

too much reflecting.

1. the other day some elderly woman came to me, and when she spoke she clutched my arm near the elbow, as if she was reaching out. It felt like something so much deeper than her simple question. She stared me in the eyes with a big toothy grin, and latched on. Such strength in her old bones, I wonder if her question was all she was trying to communicate. She captivated me.



2. I don't remember where I was going or coming back from but I drove against the sunrise recently. It was coming up behind me. The light flickering out, faded and fresh behind me, and the dim stars fading out ahead of me. Beautiful.



3. Speaking of beautiful, I wish you could see the night sky here. You can see the strand of the milky way weave in the sky. You can easily point out constellations, the space station, and the brightest stars in the sky- in fact even some of the most dull. Certain times of the year Venus and Mars are visable. But for now, this thick star lined sky against the milky way, spring peepers, and wet hay fields make me wish I had someone with enough adventure in their blood who would be willing to pitch a tent with me and sleep beneathe it. Please do.



4. I've been heavily troubled with eleven lately. you wouldn't understand the depth within that number to me no matter how hard I tried to explain it. To be brief, it haunts me. It is a part of one of less often talked about abilities which lately I have been terribly good at. I'm getting uncomfortable with knowing or having a strong idea of what is going to happen, before it does. Imagine knowing terrible things, to terrible to even tell the people you love in fear that it too will make them worried. This is an entry within itself, that I will never write about. But back to eleven, it is very signifigant to me. The past three days I have seen it more than I can handle. Three days ago, on that late drive back home, in a half hours worth of driving I saw eleven cars on the road. Today, I turned the car on at 5:11, the first speed sign was 55 (eleven five times), and i don't know why but I looked at the mile marker without even meaning to and it was mile eleven. The Album I put my ipod on to listen to had eleven tracks. Highway signs would have numbers such as #11, or 1#1, or 11#. The first exit I passed was 29, which equals eleven. Speed limit of 65 is like six plus five equals eleven. Obsessed perhaps, but then tell me why my first text message of the day was the 11th one, why the three cars ahead of me had license places (yes three cars) that had eleven in them, like 11etc. It is out to get me, in some way. Its been months and I have learned to grow and not be afraid of it. I just can't figure out its energy, although I think its positive.



5. Today I went to this large mall to help open up another store location for the company I work for. It was interesting to say the least, fun would be a nice lie. nine hundred and sixty boxes worth of shipment, all of them to organize, tag, fold/hang, and place. Not to mention the tables, walls, signs etc that were still being built by our visual display artists. People from San Diego, Orlando, San Francisco, Kansas, the Carolina(s?), Philly, Our store, etc. It was a dusty, slightly unfriendly hot mess. I am happy its over. The drive was terrible.



6. Ugh, the drive. Was a series of... ...2rghwqgk. That took me a minute? So, so long and drawn out and sweaty hot humid. Creeps in their beemers trying to hit on me while we are stopped in traffic. It gave me too much time to think. I have so much thinking to do.But my head nearly exploded and I almost pulled over to catch a breath.



7. Ask me why I drove (after my like, five hours of driving today) a half hour to the pharmacy to pick up my DADS medication? Go ahead ask me. Because my mom asked me to go to she could stay with my littler siblings. If he asked, it'd be laughing.



8. Running on like 9-10 hours of sleep for thebest for days. Usually I'm a champ but I am drifint. ehrn





9. i was planning on wrting to someone in a letter and and never sending it- jusy do i



*I fell asleep last night before I could finish this post, andd I am leaving it this way because I think its funny how on the last two I trailed off.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

just a thought or two.

I feel like I am saying the same things over and over again. You know those people you fear you may run into while getting gas or buying groceries? Those. "lets play 21 question" folks who know everything about you untill you ran away to college? High school hallway hellos, the overly involved mom from the team, your friends mom friends, the ex boyfriend mom. Ugh. I feel like that has been me recently. And every time they ask so what are you up to this summer, the only words I can get out of my brain are, "working, a lot." And then I reflect like a series of events, like I am rewinding a movie (but my movie) on super speed. I look back and see myself Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday sitting in traffic, folding clothes, dealing with an assholel, finding a size, driving home. Sunday, sitting around waiting for tables, apps, salads, main, desserts, tip. And then I fast forward back to me and who ever I am awkwardly talking to and blink like, shit. This is my summer. I suppose I happily blurb out something about how much I am working because I almost always get the "Good for you, you'll be making a lot of money this summer."

I mean, i am not complaining, because yes, I will be making a lot of money. I am just hoping I'll have the chance to live life and enjoy my summer as well. Last summer I was lucky to not work too much and make good money. I was able to see a lot of friends, hit the beach, hike, go to the waterfalls, shows, etc. but then again, I am also more of a night time person, and even with my six days a week working schedule, I still find the time to go out. So, on second thought, I'm not sure what I am worried about? This weekend alone, I went to the city friday with a few coworkers and my best friend, chilled with nikki in the morning (even though I was in bed), I've gone out for coffee the past week three times with different friends, and slept over Karsons house last night. I also have two birthday parties, a going away party, and a friends-from-home get together party in the next two weeks.. and thats just the stuff I KNOW I am doing. So in he long run, despite all the work, I am still finding time to hang out with loved ones, so far so good. If I can hit the beach a few times this summer, that would be awesome.

my main goal is to go on a vacation this august, hopefully with a friend or two. Even if i rent a beach house in NJ. Or take a cheap ticket to a city i've never been too. This is my goal. And now that I am so headstrong on this, I am doing my mini research to narrow down some options and the real point of this blurb is lost. Opps.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

list of anticipations

1. the shower i must take. last night was a pretty long shift at work. I punched in sometime before three and out sometime after three thirty am. after work two of coworkers {who are most likely the funniest people you will ever meet, imagine them together?} went to the diner to have breakfast. I did not get home until six am and had work at twelve. Even though I had my alarm set for 9:45am, my phone froze at 9:37am and I woke up at eleven fifteen, threw on clothes and rolled into work at one pm. Brilliant. Needless to say, that extra half hour I gave myself so I could shower never happened.

2. Tomorrow night my girl and I are going to the city for our friends birthday, which just so happens to be going on at our favorite party venue. One of my coworkers is planning on joining us also. But I haven't seen my girl since last week so I am excited to just have fun and be us. And I'm the DD so, no tequilla shots for me!

3. Saturday I am hanging out with a really good friend of mine, bethany. She is a total sweetheart and we are 100% overdue for a hang sesh. I'm hoping its nice out so we can chill by the pool and catch up on life and the drama with it. Even though these past few months have made it oddly harder to catch up, we never have an issue picking up where we left off. Which rules.

4. I'm going to paint something tonight i believe. Some sort of portrait. But it will not be realistic.

5. bla bla i am so over this list.

6. merves going away to turkey for the summer rooftop city party.

7. june 15th

8 and the day i get to ride a hot air balloon. which is just.. well, just putting it out there.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

listing my life away.

recent thoughts and things that have made me smile, or simply wonder.

1. a few days ago i saw an elderly woman, short and plump in a bright pink shirt an a big brimmed hat fall down in the street. I watched her swipe her hands around the warm pavement reaching out to her bag, that was only inches away, as she tried to get the strength to get up. but she didn't, she was helpless in the middle of a green light. I was a two lights away, and could not react {this was seconds} but thank god someone else did. I watched two women plunge into the street and scoop her up like angels and pull her to safety before the cars gobbled her up. I was so thankful, even though it was not me. But indeed it was a beautiful thing to watch. And i was easily reminded why I believe in the good in all people.

2. this beautiful weekend. and although i was working all weekend, in fact all week {last off day was last tuesday; next one this saturday} i enjoyed it. It made me remember my careless summer last year, how i enjoyed it so much. How i spent it at the waterfalls and car trips alike.

3. there were two pidgeons on a ledge. I was in the upper level, and was able to see them with eachother. Who ever thinks animals don't love is crazy. One flew to the other and nestled its face into the others neck with his/her eyes closed. It was perhaps the cutest thing, and I believe I was the only person around to appriciate that very moment.

4. i had a very interesting conversation with a friend the other night about personality types and such. i really can't explain it but basically it was very interesting.

5. is it normal to still be mad?

Sunday, May 25, 2008

when all else fails

at least i have myself. today {and this week} has been a terrible reminder of that fact. that while everyone and everything may suck, in the end you still have you. this, and some music.

on a happier note, its a beautiful day outside. too bad its being spent waitressing on people trying to figure out everything in my head. i doubt i can figure everything out on my own, but i never have the bravery to admitt i need help, and when i admitt that i need help, i never have the words. then again, i'm very good at concentrating on good things and keeping myself cheery for the simple fact that i also don't want people to help me. such contradictions.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

good things,

come when you are not expecting them. at least that is what I am told.


and finally, something good seems to be happening. i don't want to jinx it though but in about two weeks i will be moving out. i'm excited and yes, slightly nervous. at least for the summer. only time will tell for sure the rest of the situation. i did not expect this.

on the other hand it would be nice if my dude situation worked out. i thought i met a really awesome guy. (which i also didn't expect) but as always, getting fucked over. i can't even be upset because it happens all to often, instead i've learned to move on.

its easier to have never loved than loved and lost. at least, to me.


















once again, everything is balenced.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

i'm alive.

hi. i'm alive. i know its been a while.

super quick update on whats in my head.

1. i was able to see almost all my boys from home a few days ago, for coffee. it was beyond awesome. i miss them all so much. we talkedd about how we are going to top this summer off.

2. jj comes home this weekend, which means party old school with my boys. i go to parties a lot, yes... but i almost never drink. this friday i will be enjoying myself for a change. i never pass down a good house party, especially because i get to crash at js.

3. i have three terrible spider bites that have been bugging me.

4. its fun catching shoplifters at work. ha, cunts.

5. i went full time at my montclair job. between this and waitressing, i have no time. i've been wanting to quit my waitressing job but its such quick, easy, under the table cash i can't not keep the job.

6. tomorrow i have a meeting with an organization i was heavily involved with in high school. My previous state director is hiring me as a manager for a team. I am excited and honored to be helping. I will be traveling and coaching high school students on leadership and public speaking development. job number three.

7. my mom found out about my ankle tattoo. Something along the lines of, "so when are you planning on telling me you have a tattoo on your ankle of a key?" 100% caught off guard. she saw it in a picture... so it wasn't 100% my bad. well to correct that, she lurked my cyberworld. she was angry and barked that i was a "rebel" and than asked if she could see it. i was tempted to tell her about my other one but, i figured the less she knows the better. right?

8. my head is brainstorming on moving out of this house. options, options, options, are arising.

9. my head is also mush on another subject that i don't even know how to write about at the moment. but i can assure you it is good, or at least i am holding onto hope that it is.

10. on a final note, i must shower. i have to be on the road at 6 20 am. do you know how early that is for me? a week ago, that would have meant twenty minutes of sleep. I am slowly fixing my restless eyes.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

quit for the day.

maria and i tried changing the room around. moving everything. we made little to no progress. After changing our beds t bunk beds, we realized we were missing a board for the top bunk so a matress can be placed over it. I went to some antique stores down the street, ones I normally don't go to, in search of funky lamps, old oil paintings, and a new TV stand. Everything was over 200+ and not even that funky. So, I decided against everything. So now, I have bags of clothes in the middle of the room, i'm sitting on a matress in the middle of the floor, counting bags of garbage and staring at a mess.

i'm so exhausted. so much lifting and moving and inspiration and now i am 100% done for the day. i need a power drill. anyone want to help me?

Monday, May 12, 2008

it is official.

I just took my last final, which I am pleased and confident in saying that I did excellent. I wish I could say the same about some of my other finals.

It is bittersweet. I am sitting in my half empty dorm space. One of my room mates has already moved out days ago. My other roommate and I have half our things missing, posters and picures torn down, and our carpet rolled away. It looks pathetic. And while I look foward to going home to see my friends, I am very indifferent about leaving. I heavily wish it was just a break, so I could rest without school work, hang and see everyone, and at the end of the week, return home to my little cubicle.

I remember when I moved out of Franklin. I lived soley in that house for nearly thirteen years. I watched myself grow up in that home. The walls echoed of laughter and fights with my sister. The floor drawings and juice spills covered in tiles, our height chart painted over in fresh color, the chair at the kitchen table my grandfather always sat in. The knowledge my sister and I had of every good tree to climb, and every perfect man hunt hiding spots, the best views from the cliffs, and the hole in the fence to get to the water tower seemed banished forever in a whole new generation of kids. It was bittersweet leaving. I didn't look back. We traded our teenie apartment with shared backyards for our own bedrooms and ten acers. How could I look back. Sometimes I drive by. Every few years. This I am terrified of, the last time I drove by, the big beautiful flowering tree that shaded our home was gone. I can't even tell you the signifigance of that very tree alone. It was base for tag, where I lost my first tooth, where I used to read my school books in the shade, where we buried a poor baby bird that fell from its nest. Oh man.

I feel like leaving my little comfort zone at montclair will be like leaving behind so much growth. In less than a year, I have experienced so much that otherwise would not have happened. I have met some of the most interesting, beautifully minded, talented, kindest of people. In return I have met some of the most wicked, twisted, selfish souls. I have experienced failure, and again lost friendships. I have betrayed and lied to. My pride destroyed. But I have also been trusted and relied on, laughed with and on. No one will know and love this little dorm space more than I do. And instead of not looking back, this time I will.

This week I move back to my humble home in Sussex.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

on letting go.

i'm 100% not ready to let go of my cubicle of comfort space. i am going to write a massive first year at school review for myself once it is really over, but for now it is not. i wonder if i have for granted this experience. By nature, by human nature I have. But I can honestly vouche for myself that I tried not to, maybe not my best all the time. But i did. I know I am lucky to be able to go get an education and go to school. I know I am lucky to have met good and bad people who have taught me both good an bad things. I know I am. I just hope that when I look back forty years from now I can still feel similar.

on a side note, the reason for my blog neglect has been this terrible series of sicknesses I have been cursed with. Even my previous entry was a draft until today and i just posed it unfinished. I've been sick since last week, and thus a hermit. I have barely gone out. I have missed out on last weeks wednesday night, friday night, and saturday night parties. As well as multiple cinco de mayo on and off campus activities. I voluntarily missed out on bamboozle. missed classes. stayed up all night trying to sleep. blah. teribbble experience. Needless to say, after a double eye infection, ear infection and sinus infection, as well as a fever from my wisdom teeth that came through into my cheek, i am on a list of antibiodics and starting to feel fresh again. slowly but surely. i was good last night, even though my roommate and i hopped along between three parties- not to drink. and tonight, while my girls head to the city i'm hanging solo trying to rest up and get better.

everything has been pretty glorious. minus the fact hat i just remembered i parked my park in the wrong lot so i prolly have a ticket. shit. anyways. everything has been pretty good. now that i am getting better things seem to be looking up. I am working a lot, trying to see everyone at school before the semesters over, visiting my thrift store hot spots, laughing a looot, being sober salllly, studying and such. on a side note, nikki (if you don't know who she is by now, get with it haha) used me as a model for part of her final photography portfolio. i put a mini album up of some of the shots she took. She takes some banging photos, and I am not just being partial because I'm in them (seriously) -she takes over great photos.

i've decided that people will never have anything pleasent to say. maybe its just me or the people i associate myself with (and thank god I do) but we're all really positive people. and at least for myself I can say that I believe the good in everyone. I mean, I am outgoing and chatty and I will go out of my way to make conversation with you or make you feel comfortable in most situations. Like events, parties, if you are a friend of a friend, if I am by myself, etc. I genuinely want to know you. I talk with a lot of people, I would not consider everyone I know friends but certainly friendly, familar kind faces. I talk to people in greek life, the athlete kids, people in my hallway, people from my friends dorm floors, my friends bandmates and their girlfriends, the dudes that are always high and drunk outside my building, the gangstas i ball with. everyone. and in the end i'm just chatty and friendly, nothing less and nothing more. This is not me being cocky or concieted, this is just me knowing who I am, and how I would or do act.

but i still get these lame ass secret blog comments and honesty box, "you're a wanna be." "you think you're hott shit, get over yourself" etc comments. at least i can take to the grave that I have never left anything secretly on someones cyberworld anything that was filthy, mean or degrating. i've only ever said nice, playful things. I believe in karma. I believe in telling people how you feel as long as its good ("hey i've always thought you were really gorgeous" -kayla would understand that one) so why do people even bother saying things that can be hurtful? and ha, even say it so secretly. If you have an issue worth starting up with someone, be an adult and talk about it. No? Grow up doods, I'm not offended by your insecurities.

anyways.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

what a beautiful day.

and ironic. that today, such a perfect, crisp day is wasted while i sit in bed shrivled up sick and coughing. I get these bursts of energy where I want to do something but getting up makes my head feel heavy and my body weak and tispy. So i am usingt this as an excuse and, or reason to finish my neglected homework. but before i do that, i figured i'd write a little.



tomorrow is going to blow. its going to be one of those days that i can't wait until its the next. i have thre finals tomorrow. I have my art history final tomorrow, which I know the routine but its still a pain in the ass. Its like, forty five pieces of art, she picks five out of them. We need to state the artists' name, country he/she is from, the century, and six sentences of the signifigance of the work. After that, I have my Italian oral exam, five minute one on one interview with my professor. Not so badd... minus the fact that I learned 50x more last semester. This semester I do not feel my italian is stronger. My speaking and writing abilities have weakend while my knowledge of vocabulary has increased, thats it. I also have a five minute skit to do in italian wit a partner, but because we have an odd number of people I have two group members. I missed class on thursday to learn all this because I was sick in bed sleeping my life away. Literally slept through the day. After that, I have my marketing final. The end to a boring class. Yes, she knows her stuff and is very organized but its the same thing every week. I need to get a good grade on this exam because I think I am at a B or C standing. Wow, just checked my grades online I have a D for this class. Thats out of control. I'll prolly end up with a C, or B because participation and attendance count for like 30%. I've only missed twice and I do participate. Plus, I did the extra credit as well as the latest assignment which are not posted. (okay, i feel better..)



mondays continue to blow.



but other than that blurb of confusion things have been pretty good. school is almost over. i plan on writing about a blurb about my first year at school at some other time. i've been working a lot, coughing, enjoying these nice days, and trying to see everyone before these last two weeks are over.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

life since my last entry.

everything has been oddly interesting.

friday perhaps was the most eventful. Nikki and I went to most likely our favorite party, trash, for the Burning Angels six year anniversary ordeal. Talk about a bizzare party. To some it up in a few sentences, lots of porn stars, exotically dressed cross dressers, male and female go-go dancers, blow up dolls in the crowd, free porn videos, porn videos on display, topless girls, rubber vaginal models, need i say more? Obviously Nikki and I did not take place in this crazyness but we sure as hell enjoyed it. I basically chatted with the same two or three people the whole night and took an occasional tequilla shot. I've not been wanting to get wasted because i was drunk to the point of sillyness last week. But tequilla has that BAM to it. Before I knew it was a complete chatfest. We were so exhausted but thank GOD she drove because I don't recall the car ride or how I ended up in my room in the morning.

I woke up just in time to take a quick shower and roll our of bed to see the free concert at my school. There were a lot of people there, a lot of familiar faces, a lot of new faces that were ill. I hung out with a few girls I had just met but they were really awesome. Everyone was wasted but I was hungover for the first time in a terribly long time. The thought of alcohal made me want to pound my head on concrete. but the show was fun overall. Got to see some stupid girls in flip flops, lots of jewelry, and low cut shirts crowd surf with their hands over their eyes and bodies in fetal positions. This was highly ammmusing. Seriously, if you are going to be such a whimp (and you are not dressed) don't even attempt. Thursday put on a fantastic show. Method Man was out of control. He was just such good energy to the whole event. Even though he cursed, talked about tits, crowd surfed with his feet crossed, and took a hit of someones blunt on stage, he ruled. The crowd loved him. The campus police did not. Great entertainment but terrible choice for the school to chose, he told us the cops smoke our weed that they take. and encouraged us more than once to drink, fuck, and smoke weed. So funny.

Saturday night was a blur. I think I did nothing. I did something but I can't recallll.

Sunday I worked, worked, and worked. I did some homework when I got back. Nothing special.

Yesterday was a stressful, crazy day of school. A lot of classes, a lot of work due, and no time. I had so many papers due, all of which made me late to all three of my classes. I wrote all my final papers inbetween classes, and even though they are last minute I feel confident in the work. Last night was an odd series of events. My coworker Adam and I balled at the gym. We stuck out like sore thumbs, but especially him. A messy haired, covered in tattoos, lanky guy playing ball amongst a ton of gangster doods. but, we had fun. Nikki and i jammed to crystal castles and dyed our hair after. I went back to my room and ran into these two kids that i see all the time and chat with whenever we run into one another. We decided in a spur of the moment that we would go to the diner for coffee and eggs. This is why at times I enjoy school. It is fun to just be like HEY lets do this. It was fun getting to know people who beforehand i knew little about. I ended up staying up till seven am chatting with one of them. I woke up at ten asleep on his floor. Colllege rules hardd at times.

today was all work and no play. But seriously. lots of nothing. no one came into the store today to buy anything so, mad lame. super boring. now i'm here, while everyone is makin out with their lovers, bar hoping, or whatever else kids do on a tuesdddday night, i'm here.




hey you, stay ill.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

crossing my fingers

that my luck hasn't run out.

despite everything going on at this very moment, i'm happy. and on a second note i rarely write when i am happy. but i've had a lot of time on my hands lately i suppose. time to enjoy this mini sublime. comfort.

yesterday was just, an awesome day. even though i only slept for about three hours, i got my ass out of bed and to work at seven am. my manager drove me and three other employees to philly. what a car ride. this alone could be an entry. with alex screaming at old ladies on street corners at seven thirty am, "FUCK YOU" or running out of the car to climb on top of it, we also almost died seven times from mac trucks, almost drove past our ticket in a toll booth and chatted about everything immaginable. the car ride was funny and exciting and forlorned us of the rest of the day.

when we arrived i felt four. innocent and excited to roam and forget. the philly store is like, five levels, has insane amounts of employees, and is straight up ill. basically, i folded all day. but it was fun working outside of my element, working with many different employees, and even assisting customers in the store. for break, Reagan and I roamed trying to find food. I settled for a grilled cheese, which i ate while sitting in a park. people watching, and observing. it was so fun to sit out in the sun, watching little girls chase pigeons, and inked up teens talk about music, and business men cluster and talk trash about people at work. such an interesting mix of people, of interactions.

i fell in love with phillys easy going, artistic, clean atmospher. like a bigger, better new york city. i love the city, but its gloomey, dirty, and has the same types of people. philly just seemed alluring, and new, and it just stuck me all the right way. ironically, one of the girls at the philly urban said her and two other friends needed a housemate to join in on their house in july. this was also alluring. and the fact that a few of the art schools down there have rolling admissions, is also calling me. i'm eight percent ready to go. if i can transfer to school down there and transfer my job to philly i have no fucking reason for staying here. i want to see the world, i want to experience it all, i want to look back and know that i've been there. give me culture, feed me change. i am so ready to live my life and start over. fresh. eventually i'd love to live out west and such in random cities to experince it, to meet people, to everything. but i'm only nineteen, i think i have time to explore.

on our way out of philly we crammed six people in a jetta. what an out of control car ride. the night got better and better. or day i mean. we all squished. it was even more fun than the ride down. we played never have i ever which was a silly, confusing mess. we also tried to play many other games. we ended up listening to alex give cars personalities as they drove by, sterotypical, histerical personalities. and just whatever other silly stuff we scrambled upon. we arrived back in montclair sometime after six, maybe seven? so it was really long shift, but prolly the best one.

passed out at nine-nine thirty. woke up at eleven the NEXT day. i've never slept that long in my life. it was awesome.

today also ruled, nice easy day of classes. worlds fair at school meant free food and mad free vitamin water? crazy day in the quad. i also went back to work to help everyone close. it was a late night tonight for some reason. i think because the store was a shitty mess. after, everyone except dave (lauren, jon, chris, leo and i) all went to quick check to get ice cream and ate it at laurens house, well her like porch area. tonights topic turned into chodes. yes. hahaaaa.

now i'm here. two twenty am. wide awake from my long hibernation sleep. ready to do something exciting. ready to go back to philly? but i will settle for a park romp tonight. i am in need of it. for sure.


life is too short to live it anyother way than whatever way makes you happiest. realizing is more and more everyday. you should too.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

philly in the morning.

my head is full. but full with the same confusion that seems to have no solution. and these days are dwindling down so quickly. pretty soon i'll be in some serious trouble.

but i am pushing that all aside because i am trying to let life happen and in the process, enjoy life. i could die before i see any of this happen. so i might as well be happy, count my blessings, and stay positive. no one ever got anything accomplished with other intentions.

tomorrow at seven am i will be on my way to philly with some of my co-workers. honestly, my co-workers are all interesting, lovely people. even though work is work, they keep in interesting and enjoyable because of the diversity of personalities. i can't immagine who i'd rather spend a morning stuck in a car with, and all day with working than these people. plus! i've never been to philly before.

Friday, April 18, 2008

what a day.

today i decided to get my life together. for real.

1. i fixed my loans, paid off some of my tuition, and sent my scholarship paperwork in. college is so expensive. i'm working too hardd and too many hours. thinking about paying for my next semester is a headache all in its own.

2. my italian class was canceled. which was fucking glorious because it was beautiful outside. so instead of sitting in class trying to understand my professors, deep, quick fully in italian lessons only conversation, i got to do what ever else i pleased. i was able to finish some work, call a school i'm trying to transfer into, and relax a tad.

3. my roommates class was canceled also, so we decided to get a tattoo shes been wanting. watching her get her ink made me want one also. so without much thought i also recieved ink. its something ive been wanting but it was kind of impulsive. im 100% okay with that though. and i'm really in love with my tattoo.

4. my happiness today came from a huge bag of peanut M&Ms i purchased. and the man at CVS waiting online for his medication, pointing in a direction, with his eyes wandering, groaning under his breath, "I said stay there. What were you thinking." Interesting perhaps? People interest me.

5. speaking of interesting people, i would really like to have a better understanding of people. culture and people shock me in oddly uncomfortable ways. to know why or how people act in certain situations. human emotion is so complicated, deep, and beautiful. i want to grasp it. connected to it. but for me, feeling exceptionally connected to someone is very difficult. i mean, i love talking but i have trouble communicating. i fear becoming close to people, or trying to.

6. its four in the morning. i went to a party where everyone was wasted. these people were all lovely, wonderful people, but out of control. i sat around playing sober sally while trying to clear my head. i realized that while everyone was making out and taking pictures that maybe i had too much on my mind. i left that party really early because i was uncomfortable feeling so down amongst such happy people. and to avoid being both a party pooper and a cock block i left. upon returning, i stumbled across drunk kayla and suzi and we watched the ending of sunny together. all i have to say to that is "fawk dat" hahaha. had to be there ps.

7. on a different note, i feel as though these next few entries may be some of my last. i've been getting really awful comments on blogs about things i don't always understand the point of. i think i am going to go back to my private blog. so i can write how i feel about everything truthfully down, in my personal, social, an love life without caring. i'm human too, and words meant to be hurtful do hurt me at times. it makes me want to write about myself so that people may understand me a little better. i don't feel half as terrible as people who don't know me, judge and assume that i am. but at the same point in time, i'd rather not spend my time trying to win the approval and acceptance that i am a good person by people who themselves may not be.

8. i went home tonight to have tea with my mother and her friend. we went to her friends house so i wouldn't have to go home. its weird feeling like a stranger in your own home. or unwelcomed. but i am looking forward to living on my own.

in the mean time, i am taking action in the changes i want. i am getting my life together. taking responsibility. enjoying the person i am still becoming. and not being stopped.