things and stuff.

Today I did some heavy thinking. I'd like to pretend that all of this thinking will find its way onto this cheesey internet blog but its obvious that it won't. For the simple fact that I can not follow my mind easily, and I don't want readers to attempt to follow also.

I've been so hopeful lately. But when hope is followed over and over again with failure you tend to take two steps backward, and one step forward. Eventually you could end up in the negatives. I'm going to try and explain myself the easiest way possible, I have to warn you that this will jump alot but will come together. If it doesn't come together sensibly, welcome to the inside of my brain.

While driving today I saw the teeniest, newest fawn, veneered in bright polka spots and a big black nose carefully shriveled up in the road. It was evident that someone had just hit the poor thing. In fact it could have well may be still taking its last breaths. And as I drove past, it sparked a whole series of thoughts.

Death is amongst the highest rated fears among people. We plan our life ready to die. After all it is the only thing garenteed in life, right? But we work hard to make money to live, to save for retirement, kids. We purchase life insurance, and sometimes our own funeral plots. We boast that this generation will live the longest. Many once life threatening diseases are easily treated with man made liquids and other strange discoveries. We use clever little catch phrases like, when I'm old and dying, or when I get old, or when my grandchildren grow up, etc etc.

Are we so ignorant to believe, and to easily forget, that death doesn't have an age? It sees no reason or mercy. We are all not going to die at seventy two or eighty nine. In fact, our fate could be much, much sooner. It could be in the next few minutes, tomorrow, twelve years from now. That baby deer, sure it may have not had any concept of death, but it was less than a few days old and was already nothing but flesh and blood. Even Darwin couldn't argue that getting struck by a car is "survival of the fittest."

I lost a friend this time two years ago. I rarely talk about it because I feel I have no say in talking about his death and I find it rather uncomfortable to remember him, as my friend who passed away- so bear with me. This friend was a childhood friend who lived down the street from me. We were very good friends one summer, and in fact he was my first real crush as a kid. We spent the summer going to the pool, playing basketball, and going over each others houses for dinners. We spent long hours talking and laughing and telling secrets. After this one particular summer ended, so did the closeness of our friendship. As the years progressed our friendship decreased, but without any bad blood- just timing. We saw each other every summer and remained chatty. Except for one summer, when before we left our junior year of high school, he was fatally injured in a car crash and died at the scene. Just like that. Seventeen years of life, the complexity of it, vanished in a heap of metal and one bad decision. I did not attend his funeral because I refused to remember him in death. To me, he is still laughing away, talking to me about his aspiration of growing up to become a lawyer. He was a good kid.

No one ever expects to die so young. Sometimes I wonder how everyones lives would be different if he didn't drive that day. He could have been in love, making someone life complete. He could have been teaching kids and making a difference in their life. Think of all things you have accomplished and seen, the people you have met in the last five years. Now immagine that you hadn't. It doesnt even make sense how much different everyones life would have been.

We need to stop living for tomorrow and start living for today. Everything could end in a moment. What you spent your whole life trying to prepare for the future and you never got to it? I'm not saying take out your savings account and buy lavish things and drive the car you've always wanted. I'm saying, tell your loved ones they are loved. Don't think twice to left. Think twice to judge. Remember to treat others how they want to be treated. Heck, go learn how to tapdance. Drive stick. Sail a boat. Speak german. We are all dying but only some of us are really living. Where do you fall under?

and I have been so hopeful that I too am living my life. I count my blessings everyday, and thank god for the good things instead of curse the bad things. I try to sacrafice some of myself to make life better for others, whether it is offering lunch, opening the door, telling a joke, or being the (consistant) DD. But sometimes I feel like I am not living to my fullest capacity.

In fact being little was probably the best time of my life. Not only did you have little to no worries, you certaintly were not worried about dying and planning for the future. I was concerned with waking up early to go out and ride bikes. How to get out of taking a shower so I could go out early and climb trees. Who would be home to play tag. I'd like to go back in time, to the only time in my life where I might have felt like I belonged. When I had a closet and a bed to sleep in, my height through the years etched into my doorway, a nightlight, a bed full of stuffed animals, and a diary. When ever I dream I am home at 57 Constiution Way. I'm at my seat in the kitchen, in those old fabric chairs, eating out of the floral dishes and my peter rabit cup. My grandfather is across the table informing me on everything there is to know.. like where telephone poles come from and how to make motorcycle sounds.

but i am not. I am here. Stuck at the weird age of nineteen, trying to live to the fullest. Trying to be serious about my future while remembering to live for today. And although I think I do better at living hard than most people, I am never satisfied. I feel distant as usual, and trapped at this awkward age. Wishing to be young and innocent, unaware that my old childhood friend would die. That my grandfather would too. That I would be stuck without a bed to claim as my own, and a hometown to feel home in.

I could die tomorrow and I would not be ready. I have so much more to give and to live before I prove that I am worthy to move onto the next adventure. I tell myself at least a hundred times everyday, You will succeed. You will succeed. You will get there. You will get there. You will not give up. You will not give up. To remind myself to stay positive and optimistic.

I could end up like the baby deer, like my old friend, like my grandfather. I could. I really could end up like either. Innocent and unknowing, reckless and quick, informed and slow.

I don't fear death, just not living life to the fullest. I honestly have so much love to give.