blank.

Usually my mind is always full. Racing and weaving with thoughts and actions, recording memories carefully in place, taking note of every little observation. Its usually playing back everything I am seeing, I can feel it tell my body how to move and where to turn. I feel it thick with thoughts, pushing through my skull untill it crumbles in and a succumb to nothingness.

but lately its been blank. a clean slate. as empty as the insides of a dead and decaying body. I feel so rejected from myself because of this. Its like I have let myself become okay with feeling content. Instead of chasing that adventure or pushing myself to do exactly what I invision, I have become the bystander in my own life. It is sickening me. I have let myself become okay with this, whatever this is.

I have no way of fighting this either. I do not know how to change it except to simply tell myself over andd over again. But telling yourself when your mind is blank, over and over again.. is like typing a document, watching it come across the screen and print itself line by line. Its not actually you doing it. Telling myself is like nothing. I guess I have so much to say to people, who will never know how I feel.

In fact I think that is exactly what it is. I have so much inside of me waiting to be expressed. Months and months of failed attempts and unsaid actions piling up and filling my brain with a slate of stone. I do not know how to talk to people about me, about how I feel. About the exact way my mind is thinking. I get uncomfortable and nervous and fear that its not that important, that I may offend or worry someone. Its so complicated. And feeling as though I can't tell anyone how I feel, especially those who have hurt me or made me umcomfortable and deserve to know drives me to think in circles. It makes me paranoid and exhausted. In the end, it makes me feel alone.

Maybe the focal point of this blurb of nothingness, is in the end, I just feel.. lonely.














and feeling lonely is very uncomfortable for me to admitt. but, i just did?