nothing important.

i'm going to start this of with a complaint, about how much i really dislike my waitressing job. I've been debating quitting for weeks and weeks now. But something always holds me back. But today really iced the damn cake and I almost walked out. Our manager felt the need to not hire a bartender today so on top of having eight tables, I had to make their drinks. May not sound like a huge deal to you, but when you have dinner, salads, desserts, apps, and every other "get me another napkin" request, making mixed drinks is the last thing you want to do. Especially when you don't know how to bartend and don't drink often enough how to make drinks. it was terrible.

i also had four or five tables of people who didn't speak decent english. which means five dollar tips of fifty dollar tables. so frustrating.

and the reason why I am the grumpiest; I fell today in the kitchen. Okay, so laugh if you'd like. But its tile floors and they are always wet and dirty because the ice machine leaks and there are like four sinks an the dishwashers are always spilling onto the floor- let alone breaking cups of beverages and fallen plates. Its a mess. I slid down the ramp and fell on my side and broke all four plates that were in my hand. My leg is bruised all the way from the knee to the hip and my shoulder and neck are so stiff. I can't move my neck smoothly in certain directions. My mom wants me to go to the hospital, but I fucking hate doctors and medicine. I've seen both fuck up my sister {on one example of a doctors smooth move, stayed up all night with my sister who was almost passed out from an overdose of their prescribed medication nightmare) Basically, I won't go but I'm not telling anyone that I am in terrible pain and feeling light headed.

work blows.

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I went to see fireworks the other day with my sister and her boyfriend. I also went because April would be there. There is something about fireworks that just captivates me. I could watch them all day. Something about how they swirl into the sky so recklessly beautiful and crash and fade with such a statement, it just gets me every time. That, and the mystery of how the end will turn out, how it will sound, how big its colorful umbrella will burn, when the next one will return. I think they make me feel so innocent because my mom would take maria and i every year to see them. And we would go an hour early to find the best spot to lay our picnic blanket on and buy those glow bracelets. We'd run up and down the hill, careful not to trample on anyone elses saved spots, whirling our bracelets. And when they came we'd lay down and tremble from the noise, holding our ears tightly, staring in awe.

we watched the fireworks, and it put me in such a calm, brilliant mood. Maybe because I felt so little again. And even though this a pretty lonely summer for me, romantically, I never get sick or jealous of seeing those cute summer couples, so happy and blissful. Like my sister and her boyfriend who were more into looking at eachother than the fireworks. I feel like most people would be turned off or disgusted being surrounded by happy couples. It somehow gives me hope, that there is still good in this world.

after the show, matt, maria, april, tommy and i went to get ice cream. which was a silly mess. and after i drove past the house I grew up in, which was kind of painful. I don't know why I miss that teeenie apartment so much. But everything about it, the window panels, the block, the bushes in the front. it makes it hard for me to breathe. I want to jump out of my car, bang on the door, and demand to be let in my house. and I want to look at every crevice, I want to see if the writings are on the walls, if my moms murals are still in the living room, if their is still fire marks in the basement from the fire we had on new years eve fifteen years ago.

to this day, when i dream, I an always in that house, in that backyard. I have yet to have one dream in this house. And we have been here for almost five years now.