life since my last entry.

everything has been oddly interesting.

friday perhaps was the most eventful. Nikki and I went to most likely our favorite party, trash, for the Burning Angels six year anniversary ordeal. Talk about a bizzare party. To some it up in a few sentences, lots of porn stars, exotically dressed cross dressers, male and female go-go dancers, blow up dolls in the crowd, free porn videos, porn videos on display, topless girls, rubber vaginal models, need i say more? Obviously Nikki and I did not take place in this crazyness but we sure as hell enjoyed it. I basically chatted with the same two or three people the whole night and took an occasional tequilla shot. I've not been wanting to get wasted because i was drunk to the point of sillyness last week. But tequilla has that BAM to it. Before I knew it was a complete chatfest. We were so exhausted but thank GOD she drove because I don't recall the car ride or how I ended up in my room in the morning.

I woke up just in time to take a quick shower and roll our of bed to see the free concert at my school. There were a lot of people there, a lot of familiar faces, a lot of new faces that were ill. I hung out with a few girls I had just met but they were really awesome. Everyone was wasted but I was hungover for the first time in a terribly long time. The thought of alcohal made me want to pound my head on concrete. but the show was fun overall. Got to see some stupid girls in flip flops, lots of jewelry, and low cut shirts crowd surf with their hands over their eyes and bodies in fetal positions. This was highly ammmusing. Seriously, if you are going to be such a whimp (and you are not dressed) don't even attempt. Thursday put on a fantastic show. Method Man was out of control. He was just such good energy to the whole event. Even though he cursed, talked about tits, crowd surfed with his feet crossed, and took a hit of someones blunt on stage, he ruled. The crowd loved him. The campus police did not. Great entertainment but terrible choice for the school to chose, he told us the cops smoke our weed that they take. and encouraged us more than once to drink, fuck, and smoke weed. So funny.

Saturday night was a blur. I think I did nothing. I did something but I can't recallll.

Sunday I worked, worked, and worked. I did some homework when I got back. Nothing special.

Yesterday was a stressful, crazy day of school. A lot of classes, a lot of work due, and no time. I had so many papers due, all of which made me late to all three of my classes. I wrote all my final papers inbetween classes, and even though they are last minute I feel confident in the work. Last night was an odd series of events. My coworker Adam and I balled at the gym. We stuck out like sore thumbs, but especially him. A messy haired, covered in tattoos, lanky guy playing ball amongst a ton of gangster doods. but, we had fun. Nikki and i jammed to crystal castles and dyed our hair after. I went back to my room and ran into these two kids that i see all the time and chat with whenever we run into one another. We decided in a spur of the moment that we would go to the diner for coffee and eggs. This is why at times I enjoy school. It is fun to just be like HEY lets do this. It was fun getting to know people who beforehand i knew little about. I ended up staying up till seven am chatting with one of them. I woke up at ten asleep on his floor. Colllege rules hardd at times.

today was all work and no play. But seriously. lots of nothing. no one came into the store today to buy anything so, mad lame. super boring. now i'm here, while everyone is makin out with their lovers, bar hoping, or whatever else kids do on a tuesdddday night, i'm here.




hey you, stay ill.

crossing my fingers

that my luck hasn't run out.

despite everything going on at this very moment, i'm happy. and on a second note i rarely write when i am happy. but i've had a lot of time on my hands lately i suppose. time to enjoy this mini sublime. comfort.

yesterday was just, an awesome day. even though i only slept for about three hours, i got my ass out of bed and to work at seven am. my manager drove me and three other employees to philly. what a car ride. this alone could be an entry. with alex screaming at old ladies on street corners at seven thirty am, "FUCK YOU" or running out of the car to climb on top of it, we also almost died seven times from mac trucks, almost drove past our ticket in a toll booth and chatted about everything immaginable. the car ride was funny and exciting and forlorned us of the rest of the day.

when we arrived i felt four. innocent and excited to roam and forget. the philly store is like, five levels, has insane amounts of employees, and is straight up ill. basically, i folded all day. but it was fun working outside of my element, working with many different employees, and even assisting customers in the store. for break, Reagan and I roamed trying to find food. I settled for a grilled cheese, which i ate while sitting in a park. people watching, and observing. it was so fun to sit out in the sun, watching little girls chase pigeons, and inked up teens talk about music, and business men cluster and talk trash about people at work. such an interesting mix of people, of interactions.

i fell in love with phillys easy going, artistic, clean atmospher. like a bigger, better new york city. i love the city, but its gloomey, dirty, and has the same types of people. philly just seemed alluring, and new, and it just stuck me all the right way. ironically, one of the girls at the philly urban said her and two other friends needed a housemate to join in on their house in july. this was also alluring. and the fact that a few of the art schools down there have rolling admissions, is also calling me. i'm eight percent ready to go. if i can transfer to school down there and transfer my job to philly i have no fucking reason for staying here. i want to see the world, i want to experience it all, i want to look back and know that i've been there. give me culture, feed me change. i am so ready to live my life and start over. fresh. eventually i'd love to live out west and such in random cities to experince it, to meet people, to everything. but i'm only nineteen, i think i have time to explore.

on our way out of philly we crammed six people in a jetta. what an out of control car ride. the night got better and better. or day i mean. we all squished. it was even more fun than the ride down. we played never have i ever which was a silly, confusing mess. we also tried to play many other games. we ended up listening to alex give cars personalities as they drove by, sterotypical, histerical personalities. and just whatever other silly stuff we scrambled upon. we arrived back in montclair sometime after six, maybe seven? so it was really long shift, but prolly the best one.

passed out at nine-nine thirty. woke up at eleven the NEXT day. i've never slept that long in my life. it was awesome.

today also ruled, nice easy day of classes. worlds fair at school meant free food and mad free vitamin water? crazy day in the quad. i also went back to work to help everyone close. it was a late night tonight for some reason. i think because the store was a shitty mess. after, everyone except dave (lauren, jon, chris, leo and i) all went to quick check to get ice cream and ate it at laurens house, well her like porch area. tonights topic turned into chodes. yes. hahaaaa.

now i'm here. two twenty am. wide awake from my long hibernation sleep. ready to do something exciting. ready to go back to philly? but i will settle for a park romp tonight. i am in need of it. for sure.


life is too short to live it anyother way than whatever way makes you happiest. realizing is more and more everyday. you should too.

philly in the morning.

my head is full. but full with the same confusion that seems to have no solution. and these days are dwindling down so quickly. pretty soon i'll be in some serious trouble.

but i am pushing that all aside because i am trying to let life happen and in the process, enjoy life. i could die before i see any of this happen. so i might as well be happy, count my blessings, and stay positive. no one ever got anything accomplished with other intentions.

tomorrow at seven am i will be on my way to philly with some of my co-workers. honestly, my co-workers are all interesting, lovely people. even though work is work, they keep in interesting and enjoyable because of the diversity of personalities. i can't immagine who i'd rather spend a morning stuck in a car with, and all day with working than these people. plus! i've never been to philly before.

what a day.

today i decided to get my life together. for real.

1. i fixed my loans, paid off some of my tuition, and sent my scholarship paperwork in. college is so expensive. i'm working too hardd and too many hours. thinking about paying for my next semester is a headache all in its own.

2. my italian class was canceled. which was fucking glorious because it was beautiful outside. so instead of sitting in class trying to understand my professors, deep, quick fully in italian lessons only conversation, i got to do what ever else i pleased. i was able to finish some work, call a school i'm trying to transfer into, and relax a tad.

3. my roommates class was canceled also, so we decided to get a tattoo shes been wanting. watching her get her ink made me want one also. so without much thought i also recieved ink. its something ive been wanting but it was kind of impulsive. im 100% okay with that though. and i'm really in love with my tattoo.

4. my happiness today came from a huge bag of peanut M&Ms i purchased. and the man at CVS waiting online for his medication, pointing in a direction, with his eyes wandering, groaning under his breath, "I said stay there. What were you thinking." Interesting perhaps? People interest me.

5. speaking of interesting people, i would really like to have a better understanding of people. culture and people shock me in oddly uncomfortable ways. to know why or how people act in certain situations. human emotion is so complicated, deep, and beautiful. i want to grasp it. connected to it. but for me, feeling exceptionally connected to someone is very difficult. i mean, i love talking but i have trouble communicating. i fear becoming close to people, or trying to.

6. its four in the morning. i went to a party where everyone was wasted. these people were all lovely, wonderful people, but out of control. i sat around playing sober sally while trying to clear my head. i realized that while everyone was making out and taking pictures that maybe i had too much on my mind. i left that party really early because i was uncomfortable feeling so down amongst such happy people. and to avoid being both a party pooper and a cock block i left. upon returning, i stumbled across drunk kayla and suzi and we watched the ending of sunny together. all i have to say to that is "fawk dat" hahaha. had to be there ps.

7. on a different note, i feel as though these next few entries may be some of my last. i've been getting really awful comments on blogs about things i don't always understand the point of. i think i am going to go back to my private blog. so i can write how i feel about everything truthfully down, in my personal, social, an love life without caring. i'm human too, and words meant to be hurtful do hurt me at times. it makes me want to write about myself so that people may understand me a little better. i don't feel half as terrible as people who don't know me, judge and assume that i am. but at the same point in time, i'd rather not spend my time trying to win the approval and acceptance that i am a good person by people who themselves may not be.

8. i went home tonight to have tea with my mother and her friend. we went to her friends house so i wouldn't have to go home. its weird feeling like a stranger in your own home. or unwelcomed. but i am looking forward to living on my own.

in the mean time, i am taking action in the changes i want. i am getting my life together. taking responsibility. enjoying the person i am still becoming. and not being stopped.

scrambles.

today, while in conversation regarding blogs, I was asked why I even bother posting- its not like anyone reads blogs. Frankly I could give two shits if no one or everyone reads this. Its for me, and my thoughts, my cure for late night fears and lonely battles. if you read it, sucks for you because this blog is pretty basic an boring.



1. i'm beyond frustrated at this point. i'm almost convinced that all guys are the same. i believe my expectations are too high. i like a decent conversation, something intelligent over coffee. is that high expectations? Do smart guys come in five foot plump packages only? with vidoe game systems? Do intelligent guys come with big dicks and sleeves? Can fuck ups become nuns?



2. i've been bored lately. my city nights have dwindled down, which is good and bad. going to the city gives me fun memories, fancy drinks, flashy pictures, whatever. but they also give me no sleep, more creeps, and more routine. its 2:34 and i have nothing to do. for once? i wish i had a friend i could call up and say, hey, lets go get tea? or breakfast? or lets drive and get lost? i keep believing in change because hope is all i have right now.

3. on a serious note, and a more positive i'm lucky to have at least one really good friend. i played ball for two hours last night and went to her dorm directly after. we just listened to eachother and reviewed her portfolio in her attempt to transfer. we planned her journey out for the day. we also went to a few random stores, after getting lost at like three in the morning. we ate a pint of ben and jerrys while giving eachother little details about past love and lusts and future intentions. we are almost nothing like eachother. in givin situations we would handle it completly differently. but deep down we are the same. for the first time since my real first best friend, i feel like i'm close to someone.

4. college still rules at times. i left a friends dorm room party after heroin was whipped out. on my venture back to my own dorm i stumbled across three dudes smoking reefer who i always see and never talk to. they were nice, and friendly and said HEY! so i stopped and introduced myself, laughing how we always see eachother but have never met. I chatted with them on the hill for a while. Meeting nice, ill people randomly rules really hard.

5. i've been playing ball. i played for two hours last night. i shot until my wrist wouldn't flick any more. i shot untill i stopped missing. today my body hates me. i went anyway to the gym to work on my form and keep the good shot, which paid off. one of the biggest things i miss about high school is basketball. the smell of the gym, the chapped fingers from the ball, the running untill your mouth tasted funny, the confidence, the long bus rides wrapped in blankets, the holidays and weekends spent getting screamed at, the matching high socks, the bloody noses, the screamin, jeering stands at foul shots, people wearing your jersey number, my coach who would call time out just to say what the hell is going on out there, now get out of my face. miss it. miss it so much.



bla bla bleeeee blahhhhh. its 3:35am and i'm not even tired. i've decided i have a problem. possibly a fear of sleeping. the only time i can sleep is when i am in bed with someone. not even like thatt, just like next to someone. like when i sleep with nikki i have the best sleeps of my life.

but lately i have been having terrible nightmares. awful, disturbing nightmares.

neglect.

i wrote this to try and explain, and also solve my terrible sleeping habits.

six in the morning.
staying alive all night to just
fall asleep to the morning songbirds
beckoning the sun to glow through the skyline
between the curtains of my windows.

lullabies, their melodies to me
a comforting sound to my ear
a careful and decent reminder
to sleep softly as the morning nears.

simple and sweet they sing to me
what dreams while sleeping can no longer give
my breath longs to fade awake into new days
with the security to live.


the sun spots creeping onto my sheets
and falling to rest on my skin
allow me to find comfort in a long night
that i have conquered again.


my insecurities about death tend to
consume me, controlling my abilty
to sleep clearly when all i await
is thee amber sky to console me.

what day is it?

it was an interesting weekend to say the least. i feel as though i should run through it. i have a terrible memory and thus writing is my only way to remember, perhaps.

monday ruled. minus the bearrrrr at webster hall. so fucking good. i went with like ten of my friends. we pregamed. this was my first time ever being drunk at a show. or before a show?? i was wasted at six in the afternoon. what an awesome feeling. its daylight. i felt like i was doing something wrong? but anyways. we all ate sushi and made it to the show. we were realllly close to the main stage. jammin out hard to wonderful minus the bear. i even put myself in the mini jamsesh pit. it was such a rush because the crowd moved like waves.

tuesday?

so bla bla bla wednesday sorta blew. it was mad dead. nikki and i left early. had THEE most craziest path experience ever. after being followed and cooed at and asked how much we would be together at the same time, some teenie little white-boy lookin doood told them to fuck off. which they did. he annouces he is high on shrooms, from CT, and chats with us and his friend waiting for the train. when we hopped on the train, we were joined buy a few oddly dressed french guys. one who was tall and chubby, wearing thick black frames. they were bumping crystal castles on one of their phones. which led to a path train dance party of threee french drunk doods who spoke terrible english and two tripppin on shrooms CT guys almost grinding. this caused nikki and i to literally just stare. we asked ourselves many times, what is going on?? the world may never know. but i have a video! whooo!

thursday was out of control. a "i'm going to shoot up the school on april 10th" message found written in Dickson hall caused for crazy security. helicoptors, news channels, snipers on roof tops, and 120 cops. yes, one hundred and twenty. they were everywhere. you couldn't get on campous without showing legit MSU ID. cops on buses, in dorms, on motorcycles. everywhere. and the strange part was that it was a beautiful day. so beautiful that there had to be over a hundred kids on campus outside. football games, wiffle ball, frisbee, tanning, ice cream fests, everything. all in the threat of getting killed. what beautiful irony. terribly beautiful. i loved sitting, observing the happiness of everyone who clearly did not let the fear ruin their day. we could die anyday, anytime. we should be enjoying our life more frequently- not just when we feel it is in jeopardy.

friday ruled. worked my ass off first of course. after, nikki and i met up with jacqui and michelle, and jacquis bandmates doc and steve at angels and kings for a few drinks. the bartender jessy ruled really hard and made us drinks that were out of control. i had so many fun, crazy, exotic drinks. two of which were his own creations, and wow so fuckinnn good. i remember having a maih taih (sp), tequilla shots (which i love), a beer, two shots of jessys made mixed drink, a huge glass of something else he created, and a lemon drop? i usuallyy don't mix up my drinks either but shit he made such good drinks i couldn't help but drink them all. funny thing is, i didn't even get fucked up. after our little drink fest we hit the streets. i realized i left my beloved flats in the taxi cab, which was very upsetting. it also meant i had to walk the blockss and aveees in monster platform shoes. once we hit jersey we stopped at a diner. i think i ate eggs. poor doc was sp drunk he just put his head down on the table and snored while we chatted. sooo funny. and to make a long story short we ended up back on campus at seven in the morning. poor nikki had work at nine so stayed up the whole way through.

saturday i slept most of the day away because i had off. i cleaned, folded and organized my dorm which ruled really fuckin hard. it was a mess and even hard to live in. but not no mo! after i cleaned my life up it was time to hit up the paulson, folly, rlgl show. i saw lotsa lovely people. rlgl was gooood as always. paulson was strange for some reason? but the music was banging. and folly fucking owned. they played at least twenty songs. there were bodies everywhere, crowd surfing, moshing, kicking, screaming, throwing, everything. it was out of control. dan and john invited us back to their bandmates pad for a leetle party. i like little house parties because i feel content drinking in them. i dislike getting wasted in the city, although it happens- i just don't like too. but ill people were there so i joined in on the fun. i had to drive too so i sobered up and DD'd my friends. good times.

today blew. minus the salmon i ordered at work. and the 180 bucks i made on serving lazy people food. word.

i just ate a moldy donut.

yes, this is true. and also unfortunate.
i am waiting for nikki to finish getting ready
and in the process i became hungry and
decided to eat these chocolate frosted donuts by entenmanns.
the first one tasted funny. and i pushed the second aside
only to find that it is covered in fuzz. yes. yes fuzz.



fuck.
so if i die, you know why.




i do not have the energy for the city tonight? do i?

an overview of some sort.

my thoughts have been a mess lately. i think and think all day of how i can try to figure myself out, and feel these crazy outbursts where i want to write everything out, reread it, and understand. but when i actually have the chance to sit down and reflect, i panic and think there are better things to do than complain. and being that this is some lame online blog, posting anything about your life on it seems very seventh grade. so i stop, and instead keep everything in so carefully. so carefully and quiet.

sunday night i texted my friend to see if he was on campus. i was miserable. i was torn. my hour and a half drive from home was lonely and dull. my evening was terrible, for the sake of not seeming fourteen i will save you the details. but he said he was not at school. i explained that i needed a hug. and truely that was just what i needed. my issue is, no matter whats going on, i can't tell you. i just don't know how to ask for help. to say to someone please listen to me, i'm upset. i dislike crying and would rather not in front of other people. and i was slightly relieved that he wasn't there. because him being at school would have meant me having to talk about why i am upset when i'd rather just forget about it. right? he asked me if i was really okay. and i said yes that it wasn't a very big deal. but perhaps that time it was.

in one paragraph this is my life. i'm restless. i'm in need of change. i'm dreaming of way bigger things. but for once in my life, maybe i need more than just me to figure things out. i'm uncomfortable. i'm ungodly stressed. i'm in debt. i'm overexhausted. my meals consist of canned foods and cereal bars. i work five days a week, two jobs, and can not afford to pay off this last semester. i pay for school on my own and somehow my loan didn't go through correctly; just found out and i can not register for another semester. i'm also slightly homeless. is that what it is called? hopefully, a final, and terrible, terrible agrument between my father and i from a few weeks ago is responsible for this. bittersweet, but bad timing. at nineteen i didn't expect to be trying to find a house to rent, paying for school on my own, working five days a week, and to have debt. all on my own. can i do it? everyone else seems to think so. including my mom, who is very angry with my father and has let me come home. but she too believes i should move out for my sake. and although i come home to visit, i hate it there. the atmosphere. the tension. the silence at dinners. the whispers behind closed doors. for my own sake, and my happiness i cannot stay there. but deep down, i'm heavily questioning how this will work out. i've fought my way through a lot, but this time i feel like i am burning out. but i refuse to be homeless, broke and hopeless. you can't take that away from me.

there is only so much a path ride into the city can give me. stellas, gin and tonics, and screwdrivers. french guys tripping to crystal castles. there is only so much i get out of a new tee shirt. out of a can of organically processed soybeans. out of milky way hot chocolates and multi-grained bagels toasted with cream cheese. all these little mundane routines that somehow construct my life so carefully like jjigsaw puzzle pieces, with bent and tainted edges.

i am also tired of knowing whats going to happen before it actually happens. the future if you will. it leaves a knot in my stomach full of secrets. terrible knots that leave me awake all night hoping i'm not right. i have learned to not share my preminisions with anyone for the sake of their happiness. but the truth eats me inside most of the time.

the worst is not over. and for this, i am afraid.











note: its 3:10 am. i had this comment on my previous entry:
Anonymous said...
Don't exaggerate the times..
there are time stamps on your entries.
and i want to point out that there is a three hour time difference or something with the entries. so it runs on a different time zone. just wanted to point out that your little clever tip wasn't so clever.

honestly.

what a fucking night. don't fucking mess with me. at least not tonight. or this morning. its 4:11. (god damn eleven) and i wish i could sleep. but my eyes burn from the ciggarette fest house party. the stench left as remnents on my clothes. and bloodshot eyes.


i LOVED sitting outside on the porch coughing. whoaa for DDs.
seriously just a terrible day. what a fucking day. night?
i need change.
now.

young and restless?

its 3:02am and my head is fulllll but my body light. i'm drenched to the bone, stripped down in my underwear as a result of my impulsive run in the rain. i live for this rush. i'm living for the hopes of change.

god damnnnit. i'm nineteen years old. is that old or young? i think i feel young but nineteen is a long time to stay alive when everyone else around you is falling to pieces and surrendering to diseases and violence. so am i old? or just lucky so far? i'm still here, blood trickling through my veins and through the ventricles and atriums of my heart. but i feel as though i am gasping for breath, short of air. falling short on my words and struggling through actions.

i'm not depressed. i'm not suicidal. in fact it is everything oppisite of that. i want to live. i want to take advantage of every day. of all my options, oppurtunities, and engage in laugher. but these minutes wind in so sharply, stealing away hours, allowing me to become lost in days that fade into morning without a flicker of sleep. i'm just restless. just fucking restless.

i want so much more than this. than this two by two cubicle of a room that smells like water damaged walls. septic seaping through ceilings. i want more than this campus can give me. beyond the fucking greek like ra-ras gagging eachother with their dicks for initiation. more than red painted bodies plowing through people in stadiums rooting for people they don't know by name. more than the drunken bastards that wander around with a condom in their pocket and a forty hoping to fuck a girl who just got her heart broken. i want more than to be a bystander at a party, watching the world hook up around me. on top of me. in my bed. to only be asked why didn't you bring someone with you tonight? i want more than living off of organic soy beans and noshing on craisens and living out of a mircowave.

i am so much more than a nineteen year oldd binge drinking college freshmen hoping to get fucked by the next hot guy who walks through the frat house. i have so much more to do than to attend your pointless general education class about what you believe is the most important thing in the world. i am so god damn restless. there is so much more to life than learning from the books. there is so much more than slaving your youth away just so you can get a job to make enough money to slave the rest of your life away. how does this work. how does that even make sense. just because someone said we need an education to get a job? well now what, we all have college educations! should i go overseas? get my masters? suck your dick? Hi i'm spening thousands and thousands of dollars a year on random classes that will someone construct a degree that says i graduated in business. or teaching. or IT. fuck you.

all i want to do is learn how to fly a kite the right way. or learn how to dive. or backpack through europe with a map and a good soul. i want a cup of green tea and a good read. to sleep in and wake up in a patch of sun. i want to learn how to cook greek food. and soy foods. i want to learn to love again. i want to believe someone believes in me for a change. i want to get lost for days. change my name for a week. take the ferry instead of the train. i want to talk about modern art. i want to know what it was like growing up for you. i want to watch french cliche films. i want people to feel as though they can approach me. i want to stand in the streets and protest something i fight for. i want a beer on the beach. i want to figure out if i'm old or young. i want to stop knowing the future and not being able to tell people. i want everyone to stop runnning away. i want to kiss someone worthy in the spot i've been wanting to kiss someone in all semester, christ! i want to be able to sleep at night, or know how to.

i'm so restless. and done with this mundane, cookie-cutter way of how everything is percieved. isn't it crazy how everyone follows the norm. and agrees with it just because everyone else does. somebody has to break though it and think otherwise we would never change. we would stay the same. and what a terrible, terrible thought that is. complicated but easy to see- terrible non-the-less.

i'm just young and fucking restless. someone, something save me. sometime soon.

Things that have made me smile recently.



1. The recent rain is a prelude to spring, to april. april is a month for me of failed relationships. I find it very symbolic. The past few aprils have been me finding a wonderful guy- but things go too fast, or he has a girlfriend, or what not. it reminds me of laying around in bed, in the sheets, talking about everything that raided our minds. and not touching.



2. Yesterday i left five minutes early to every class just to enjoy a slow walk in the rain. I didn't put a jacket or hood on. or carry an ubrella. instead, i just enjoyed it, embraced it. and went to every class wet, smelling like spring.



3. last night was one of those nights in Bohn Hall, where we all chill and fall asleep to the office.



4. the inter-racial openly gay couple who was on line for coffee beind nikki and i a few nights ago at four in the morning. brave people.



5. grocery shopping! means kashi cereal, organic canned veggies, soy beans, and V8 juice for all my cravings.