young and restless?

its 3:02am and my head is fulllll but my body light. i'm drenched to the bone, stripped down in my underwear as a result of my impulsive run in the rain. i live for this rush. i'm living for the hopes of change.

god damnnnit. i'm nineteen years old. is that old or young? i think i feel young but nineteen is a long time to stay alive when everyone else around you is falling to pieces and surrendering to diseases and violence. so am i old? or just lucky so far? i'm still here, blood trickling through my veins and through the ventricles and atriums of my heart. but i feel as though i am gasping for breath, short of air. falling short on my words and struggling through actions.

i'm not depressed. i'm not suicidal. in fact it is everything oppisite of that. i want to live. i want to take advantage of every day. of all my options, oppurtunities, and engage in laugher. but these minutes wind in so sharply, stealing away hours, allowing me to become lost in days that fade into morning without a flicker of sleep. i'm just restless. just fucking restless.

i want so much more than this. than this two by two cubicle of a room that smells like water damaged walls. septic seaping through ceilings. i want more than this campus can give me. beyond the fucking greek like ra-ras gagging eachother with their dicks for initiation. more than red painted bodies plowing through people in stadiums rooting for people they don't know by name. more than the drunken bastards that wander around with a condom in their pocket and a forty hoping to fuck a girl who just got her heart broken. i want more than to be a bystander at a party, watching the world hook up around me. on top of me. in my bed. to only be asked why didn't you bring someone with you tonight? i want more than living off of organic soy beans and noshing on craisens and living out of a mircowave.

i am so much more than a nineteen year oldd binge drinking college freshmen hoping to get fucked by the next hot guy who walks through the frat house. i have so much more to do than to attend your pointless general education class about what you believe is the most important thing in the world. i am so god damn restless. there is so much more to life than learning from the books. there is so much more than slaving your youth away just so you can get a job to make enough money to slave the rest of your life away. how does this work. how does that even make sense. just because someone said we need an education to get a job? well now what, we all have college educations! should i go overseas? get my masters? suck your dick? Hi i'm spening thousands and thousands of dollars a year on random classes that will someone construct a degree that says i graduated in business. or teaching. or IT. fuck you.

all i want to do is learn how to fly a kite the right way. or learn how to dive. or backpack through europe with a map and a good soul. i want a cup of green tea and a good read. to sleep in and wake up in a patch of sun. i want to learn how to cook greek food. and soy foods. i want to learn to love again. i want to believe someone believes in me for a change. i want to get lost for days. change my name for a week. take the ferry instead of the train. i want to talk about modern art. i want to know what it was like growing up for you. i want to watch french cliche films. i want people to feel as though they can approach me. i want to stand in the streets and protest something i fight for. i want a beer on the beach. i want to figure out if i'm old or young. i want to stop knowing the future and not being able to tell people. i want everyone to stop runnning away. i want to kiss someone worthy in the spot i've been wanting to kiss someone in all semester, christ! i want to be able to sleep at night, or know how to.

i'm so restless. and done with this mundane, cookie-cutter way of how everything is percieved. isn't it crazy how everyone follows the norm. and agrees with it just because everyone else does. somebody has to break though it and think otherwise we would never change. we would stay the same. and what a terrible, terrible thought that is. complicated but easy to see- terrible non-the-less.

i'm just young and fucking restless. someone, something save me. sometime soon.