nothing important.

i'm going to start this of with a complaint, about how much i really dislike my waitressing job. I've been debating quitting for weeks and weeks now. But something always holds me back. But today really iced the damn cake and I almost walked out. Our manager felt the need to not hire a bartender today so on top of having eight tables, I had to make their drinks. May not sound like a huge deal to you, but when you have dinner, salads, desserts, apps, and every other "get me another napkin" request, making mixed drinks is the last thing you want to do. Especially when you don't know how to bartend and don't drink often enough how to make drinks. it was terrible.

i also had four or five tables of people who didn't speak decent english. which means five dollar tips of fifty dollar tables. so frustrating.

and the reason why I am the grumpiest; I fell today in the kitchen. Okay, so laugh if you'd like. But its tile floors and they are always wet and dirty because the ice machine leaks and there are like four sinks an the dishwashers are always spilling onto the floor- let alone breaking cups of beverages and fallen plates. Its a mess. I slid down the ramp and fell on my side and broke all four plates that were in my hand. My leg is bruised all the way from the knee to the hip and my shoulder and neck are so stiff. I can't move my neck smoothly in certain directions. My mom wants me to go to the hospital, but I fucking hate doctors and medicine. I've seen both fuck up my sister {on one example of a doctors smooth move, stayed up all night with my sister who was almost passed out from an overdose of their prescribed medication nightmare) Basically, I won't go but I'm not telling anyone that I am in terrible pain and feeling light headed.

work blows.

------------------
I went to see fireworks the other day with my sister and her boyfriend. I also went because April would be there. There is something about fireworks that just captivates me. I could watch them all day. Something about how they swirl into the sky so recklessly beautiful and crash and fade with such a statement, it just gets me every time. That, and the mystery of how the end will turn out, how it will sound, how big its colorful umbrella will burn, when the next one will return. I think they make me feel so innocent because my mom would take maria and i every year to see them. And we would go an hour early to find the best spot to lay our picnic blanket on and buy those glow bracelets. We'd run up and down the hill, careful not to trample on anyone elses saved spots, whirling our bracelets. And when they came we'd lay down and tremble from the noise, holding our ears tightly, staring in awe.

we watched the fireworks, and it put me in such a calm, brilliant mood. Maybe because I felt so little again. And even though this a pretty lonely summer for me, romantically, I never get sick or jealous of seeing those cute summer couples, so happy and blissful. Like my sister and her boyfriend who were more into looking at eachother than the fireworks. I feel like most people would be turned off or disgusted being surrounded by happy couples. It somehow gives me hope, that there is still good in this world.

after the show, matt, maria, april, tommy and i went to get ice cream. which was a silly mess. and after i drove past the house I grew up in, which was kind of painful. I don't know why I miss that teeenie apartment so much. But everything about it, the window panels, the block, the bushes in the front. it makes it hard for me to breathe. I want to jump out of my car, bang on the door, and demand to be let in my house. and I want to look at every crevice, I want to see if the writings are on the walls, if my moms murals are still in the living room, if their is still fire marks in the basement from the fire we had on new years eve fifteen years ago.

to this day, when i dream, I an always in that house, in that backyard. I have yet to have one dream in this house. And we have been here for almost five years now.

quick list.

its been a while. and i've been telling myself its time to write about everything i'm thinking- i think it'll be a good entry, but once again time does not permit. in fact, i'm off again. but here is a little quick list of whateverthe hell i've been doing lately, before i forget.

1. on my way to my middle school reunion. hopefully it doesn't blow. should be interesting.
2. watched blue velvet last night, still freaked the fuck out. had to pause the movie a legit three times to talk myself back into watching the rest. creeeepy!
3. its everywhere and i'm going crazy, every where. and now i'm starting to see birch trees again. this won't make sense to you, but makes perfect sense to me. i need to go back before its too late.
4. my dreams have been nightmares recently.
5. i slept over john, kdons, mannys, and ericks place this week. just stating that i love those dogs.
6. super gruby-hot european guys were flirting with me on the drive to work a few days ago. wish this happened everyday- the commute wouldnt be so bad. three cute guys in soccer uniforms, who held up the classis CALL THIS ### sign.
8. had dinner with boof a few nights ago. this was incredible and well overdue. we had some interesting conversations, to say the least ha.
9. had lunch/dinner with alex after work. which is more of a comedy routine than dinner.

giving myself credit.

that despite my crazy schedule, i'm still taking time out of it to see people who i love.

considering i work six to seven days a week, and spend a bit over two hours on the road each day (okay, yes I have established that this is crazy, but thanks) I come home and wonder how the days all blended together.

i'm going to try and revied the week or so. I need to document things so I don't forget what i've done. sad, but true.

tuesday night I visited my boys from school at their new place, which was really awesome. I only really hung out with john and manny because erick went out and kdons was upstairs with his lovely girlfriend. But we watched family guy andd had a chatfestt, nothing crazy. i crashed with manny and went to work in the morning.

wednesday i met up with a few of my friends from home, heather, bree, and danny. We went to a party in PA. It wasn't too far from their home town. But besides that, it was awesome seeing them because we had such a good summer last year. They wanted to go out and party hard because they were graduating high school on thursday. So anyways, we end up at some house. Everyone is oddly nice in PA. I'm not sure why. Bu we walked in and everyone wanted to meet us and say hello. I was semi freaked out at first because everyone was super scene. In conversation with one girl we were talking about our summer and how we work too much, I even got the an obnoxious "OH MY GAWD YOU WORK THERE I LYKE SHOP THERE ONLINE ALL THE TYME!" but besides that awkward experience, and some kid who tried pulling the let me show you how to hold a pool stick while talking about his time in jail, it was a pretty decent party. I got slightly drunk, first time in many, many weeks. But only because I knew we were all crashing there- no one was driving. and it was a house party. two good reasons to drink. Things got heated, and everyone had to leave the party after some dumb hoes in skirts and hollister polos came in starting drama with the girl " who looked at me weird." Bitches getting gangsta and doors were slamming. I pointed at her andd laughed in her face. oh she loved me. Anyways, good times. Since they had school in the morning, I ended up home at six forty five am. i was able to sleep, recover, and get my ass to work.

thursday night I don't believe I did anything besides come home very, very late.

friday night I had off, so I slept in. I reorganized my closet and drawer space- which needed to be done. And maria and i went to, well we tried to go to the waterfalls but when we got there it looked like a storm was going to come. It wasn't worth the ten minute hike to get rained on. So we ditched that, and headed to my favorite homemade icecream palor. After that, i went to nikkis. Well, first I picked up claudia and jess, two girls I work with, in montclair, than drove to nikkis house, than to kearny. You don't want to know how much driving that was. It was rough, but I was trying to do everyone a favor, so everyone could come out to rogers party. Which, ended up being pretty fun like last time. I only had like, three beers or so. I had a teenie buzz for a bit but I stopped myself before i could actually get buzzed. There were a lot of people I knew there, most were coworkers. But I enjoy everyone I work with so it was fun to hang and chat and pretend we don't work. It was good fun, lots of laughing, and such. After I slept at nikkis house, where we slept in and ate like kings after. We layed outside, floating on those pool loungers for a few hours. gloriousssssssssss. A hot, hot day, laying half way in very cold water floating around talking with your other half. life ruled. untilll, i had to leave for work.

after work on saturday i went to the burg to see my old, but still veryyy good friendd from high school JJ. He is one of, not only but one of, the only friends ihave from my high school that still makes an effort to talk to me. and not just talk, but we are still very close friends which is great. but anyways, he only came back from school for the weekend and was leaving the next day. So i went to see my boys from the burg. JJ, danny, nicky, brandon, and sunny were there. Gary had already left when I arrived. I love the shit out of hese guys you don't even understand. We stayed up all night bull shitting, drinking a few beers, and tellling old stories. We talked so much that i had to excuse myself at six in the morning. six! I left Js house with a soar tummy from laughing and more memories to add.

today, after work I met up with bethany for dinner at panera. we needed our girl chat, we caught up on so so so so much. we really needed it, i dont know how to stress enough. She is one of the girl friends that we just get eachother about bullshit, specifically guy bullshit. listening to us talk is like, watching sex and the city hahaha. I'm so happpy I got to see her and her fine self. I could go on forever about how much fun we've had for such a short time knowing eachother but, some other time perhaps.

after dinner I made a list of seventeen things I needed to do before I called it a night. I only did not do three of them, one which was out of my control. I feel accomplished that I time managed and worked on what needed to be worked on. Sometimes I doubt myself because I feel like such a buzy scatter brain, but given the focus and drive, i'm your woman!

anyways, good night for now. I'm supposed to go to Toms River tomorrow for a party after work but the fear of the long drive and being too tired is killing me. I really want to see my friend though, but, we'll see.




and on a side note: i've been thinking so much recently. I'm digging through my brain for answers to questions I havn't even figured out how to ask to myself. I feel like my brain is bleeding from trying so hard to make something out of nothing. but I know there is something, something lingering somewhere deep, now allowing me to make the connection. and to find the answers.

fuel.

things have been strange, but after a few personal ups and downs, I decided I'd have to change my mindset. I have a really long drive to and from work almost every day, so I have a lot of time to turn the music off and contemplate everything that doesn't mean anything, and all which sadly does. I've been in a rut, at least my thinking. I can't explain it in a way that would make sense, let alone make me sound anything but crazy. So, I won't. But lets just say I'm at a strange point in my life. You know when you are thirteen, how you aren't a kid anymore, and you're not a teenager? Thats sort of how I feel about myself lately. This time last year, I had immagined myself in a complete different place. When I saw myself not ending up in this pre-destined vision, I was pretty bummed. But, by not ending up down the path I saw for myself, I did come across some incredible people, learn some things the hard way, and enjoyed myself in ways I never knew I could. (so thats the bright side.) I guess I was filling my head up with past ambitions, feeling like I cheated myself, questioning my hardwork.

but, I am changing my mindset because I know I will get where I want to be. I am working for the life I know I can live. I will never get there though if I burry myself in woes and worries, and questions of my true purposes and ambitions. I have to use the negative feedback and churn it into motivation. Oh god, if you only knew the terrible things people said about my future. I feel like no one believed I could get out of this town. And if I could, how long I would last out in the real world before crawling home. But I'm not doing any crawling, and begging- I'm still heading out here, where ever here is. You just wait and see. To all the people who laughed at me in my tiny high school. For those who literally asked, if I would be "making overalls?" with a design degree. To teachers who said that i'd be "wasting so much of my hardwork if I went into fashion." And others who told me, "I am so ashamed of you." To admissions from various colleges who were angered when I declined their rides into medical school, for what I wanted to do. I need to change my mindset because I am not living for anyone else but me. This is my life, I plan on living it the way that makes me feel happiest. Who is to tell me just what makes me happy, when I know I know myself better than anyone else?

because in the end, if I die tomorrow can I look back at yesterday and say I was happy?


mark my words, I am on a search for a future that makes me feel complete, and I will get there. And for one of the first times in my life, I feel like I have meaning, that I am going somewhere. I have happiness in the choices I have control over. And considering I've grown up my whole life feeling alone, I finally feel like I might belong somewhere, here in my current journey. and for this, with its ups and downs, with my contined battle to feel like I belong, and my ability to turn your bullshit into fuel, I am learning how to be happy.

a change of pace.

i need the waterfalls.
a heap of metal to sculpt.
a weekend at the beach.
to camp outside in my backyard.
to telll the truth.
and a bowl of cereal. yeah.

yes, another list.

where to start?



1. i have not had a day off since last tuesday. i'm officially exhausted and living my life through paychecks and routines. i'm putting myself over the edge, where i one way ticket to anywhere in the world sounds better than the daily grind every day.



2. yesterday i worked during the day. after, Nelson picked me up at work and we headed to silk city where I was trying to get an appt. for my new tattoo. After, we peaked at the new UO store to say hey, check it out, and congrats the staff. They did really awesome in sales yesterday, but I still love my store more.



3. I was supposed to meet nikki at the mall. But her car went somewhat crazy on her wayy there. She picked me up, fixed our plans a tad, and decided to take nikkis dads car out. (I had left my car in montclair) We both took power naps after dinner, woke up at around ten and went back to montclair to my friend Alexs' birthday party. There were a lot, a lot of people there, a huge tub of beer, and nazi cupcakes. (don't ask?) I have to be really comfortable to drink, and with so many people being there, and all the little groups. etc, etc, I decided to stay sober. which workedd out for the better because the cops ended up breaking it up. I felt bad that it was his birthday and the cops came and caused such a big scene. I met up with my coworkers and their friends at a nearby diner instead with Nikki. Which in the end was pretty fun, just to chill, chat and laugh a little. After that, i slept over nikkis. She left sometime before nine am for work, I slept in and headed to wor myself a few hours after.

4. today was an interesting day. two years ago, today, my friend and first boyfriend ever died in a car accident. It lingered on my mind, it has the past week. He was the first person I knew personallly that died at my own age. Which, is bizarre. We tend to forget that at any age we could pass away, at any time, no matter what kind of person we are. And he, he was a good person who had a head on his shoulders and his act together. I can't immagine dying now. not now. dying, is forever, you know? and i didn't go to his funeral, i think the guilt will forever haunt me. I just hate remembering people in death, i like looking back and remembering life. Anyways, rest in peace johnny. We're praying for you but God knows you should really be praying for us.

5. things have been semi awful at home. They could be worse, but they could def be a lot a lot better. I'm counting down the days for school to begin again.

6. have you ever had a crush on someone so out of your league? I'm really good at doing that. I think I have a crush on someone. But I am terrifed to for two reasons, A.) That he could like me back, and B.) He could not. If their is similar interest, it could do well which freaks me out. But if I get denied it would be such a told-you-so kick below the belt, ya know? Nikki is convinced that i should not tell him how i feel, that you never should, but i'm very to the point about this kind of stuff. But than again, she gets guys and I don't. So, who knows?

7. So between those three things I guess i've been pretty drab. i don't mean to be either, i honestly don't. I don't know if I am obvious or if people care more than i thought. an not that i would spill my heart out at work like "OMG i lyke 2tally want so-n-so, and lyke i got into a fight about bla bla bla with such n such, and feel bad for me because of this" but i knew everyone had good intentions of asking me how i was doing. i wish i had it in me to say i appreciate it in a way that would really mean thanks, because no one has ever really asked me before. my coworkers (most) and some select friends are more like family to me than my family. Even though in the end I almost get shit on by everyone, i value friendship. Its the most love i've got at times.

8. i got out of work semi early today. and after all these ra-ras of a party happening. or a few. everything started canceling out prettttty quickly. To make a long story short, I hurried to close at work, stood in the rain for ten minutes trying to figure out where we going, sat in a parkinglot for an hour waiting, almost left for wycoff to pick up nikki to find she was in the city. Half of my group left to brooklyn, the other quarter went to a local bar. One or two went home. When my hour waiting in the parking lot was up, I was following a few more people to this party and they decided on their way not to go. So at eleven pm, i had no where to go, no place to sleep since nikki was going to stay in the city, and a long drive home. Not happy one teeniiiie bit.

9. If things can't get worse, they did. All i wanted to do was to crash in my own damn bed. and my sister, my nine year old sister decided to sleep in my bed. not only does she have her own bed, she was her own damn room. my old room. and i am very particular about my sleeping space. its like my only little cubicle of space in my house, or this place that i stay. my clothes and shoes are in boxes. i don't really own any other things. my bed is my place. i hate other people in it, like sleeping in it. no shoes, crumbs or clothes are ever on/in it. I am freaked out because of course, my sister is that grubby kid who my mom has to drag into the shower, the kid who plays in the dirt when shes at recess at school, the kid who will leave stains and crums all over her face and clothes after she gets finished eating. Yes, she is a slob. sleeping in my bed. I just want my bed haha.

10. i hate waitressing. my boss, who i've worked for, forever, who won't give me any more days than one day a week, called, left a message and said be in at 12 tomorrow instead of three. demanded. I just want to get treated with respect. How can you run a business if you don't give loyal employees hours/days to work, and than demand twelve hours before hand to come in hours earlier. He does this all the time. I think I am bitter and sick of serving lazy people food.

11. no comment.

12. i've been getting weird feelings lately. or again i should say. i know things, its been driving me crazy. i know the fate to too many things and projects and peoples wishes right now. sometimes i hate knowing. sometimes i feel gifted, at least thats how people tell me how i should feel. but tell me, is it a gift to feel the bad that is to come before it does? To fear alone? To know that telling someone would mean worrying them just as much?

stay positive.

good things have to happen soon right? at least lie to me so I can have it in me to hope.
these past few days have been so terrible. but, even with this garbage, i will not give in or up.

a thousand times before.

1. as i've said a thousand times before, i wish i was able to communicate better with people on how i feel. i feel annoying if i do, like there are bigger things to worry about then whatever is going on inside my head. people are starving, dying, and in war- and me? i just have a head full of nothing and everything, and i also don't know how to say, i need to talk. and to avoid my terrible communication skills when talking about me, and the um and um well i don't knows that make me sound so brilliant- i just hide anything i may possibly be feeling with a positive attitude. which is good most of the time because i don't have to deal with people pretending to care. i've been told, "you're one of the strongest people that I know."

but how does being afraid make you strong? isn't fear a weakness? I'm not strong just good at lying about how i feel. how i really feel.

2. today, while folding shirts, the power went out. Strange perhaps, but the heat was so bad that there was a shortage. Not only was it my store, and the block it was on, but about five towns. We had to close down early which worked out nicely.

3. to kill time and avoid hitting rush our traffic, one of my coworkers and I decided to see a movie. We saw the strangers. Which, I'm not sure why because i hate scary movies. i was a pussy, this I will admitt. The movie wasn't even that scary, and i think it kind of sucked.

4. I bought a few fashion design books today at barnes and nobel. I try to pick one up every once in a while for my mini design library. So expensive though, since I usually buy artsy/teaching type books. But, i think i made a great investment today, a huge book on illustration. I nearly peed my pants. I spent the last three hours on the floor sketching and reading and trying new techniques.

5. oh and on a final note, that i don't feel like getting into: carmella, what are you trying to get yourself into? please stop believing everyone is good deep down, sucker.

too bad they never knew.

well if you don't know, now you do, but sometimes I go on a writing streak. I usually have to be heavily moved. But, I am putting in this entry a few of my better blurbs through out the last year or so. They are all about relationships, and sadly enough I never had enough courage in me to show them how I really felt about them. So these poems are about people, who never knew. I changed the names of the poems because they are self named for the boy that made me feel that way. Enjoy some of my secrets.



poem one
Underneath your own skin I can feel
But can’t comprehend the tension in which
Is pleading to burst to explain the confusion
That swallows the silence we sit in.

But I desire to grasp the connection
That seems to be weaving within us
Cautioning both happily and playfully
All the things we are not yet, but could be.

And I care to much to make the wrong decisions
And i let my apprehension control my intuition
As i leap blindly into believing that
I can believe in you and all your intentions.

Engulfed in my own repeating questions
They’re so cleverly rooted in my head
I ask myself what progress this emotion
Is making, as I lay lonely in bed.

But you leave me hanging in your doorway
Anxiously awaiting a kiss that never pulls through,
And I can’t keep hanging in your driveway baby
Holding coldly on to hope that I’ll taste you.

Instead you leave me more questions
And a long ride on the road to home alone
Why you didn’t reach in softly to my face
While we stood there in the company of the full moon.

_________________________________________________________________

poem two.
Here we are, here and there
occupying negative spaces
between actual unsaid words
but clearly spoken within our faces.

Tell me everything again the way you did
about how it all was then
Take me back again to innocence
here and now, then and again.

Find the park in which we sat and tell me-
know not that I have forgotten what you've said
but spill your secrets and dreams and fears again
So I don't have to replay your voice inside my head.

I regret nothing of that time with you,
and on how that night stroll
led me to your bed in the morning
perhaps all that went wrong was, it ended.
______________________________________________________________

poem three
It never ends, it never fades
It never quits, and always stays.
This it, forever continues.
Your face invading dreams
and creating nightmares.

It never stops my anticipation
It never ceases my wondering.
Or yeilds my yearning for intervention
It'll always be a quetsion,
of whatever it is, ow it slipped away.

It'll remain on my mind while
Driving or laughing-
like a mystery, unsolved,
For whatever it is
I lost what I had loved,

Its gone, your gone,
The past defines us while
we rely on hope to move ahead
The future is now
and it's still gone.

____________________________________________________________

poem again?
The moon is full tonight in reflection
And he may comprehend just what I’m contemplating.
This consistent battle of heart or mind?
But we both know the heart wins sometimes.

In thick folds of the night sky
Tainted with freckles of light
I leave my heart with the slightest impression
That it’ll find its way through tonight.

I leave only a tincture of trust
Pinned delicately to Orion’s bow
With hope that he will hunt in the night
For the love I am to have and bestow.

I’ll sleep in sweet dreams through
This dreary, yet hopeful nightfall
And within my confessions to the navy bliss
I’ll ponder lightly of your kiss.

But only Scutum can save me now
From falling so fast into what does not exist
So I’ll tuck away my memories and hopes
And rely on my mind to compensate my hearts resistance.

Good night bright moon, buttoned carefully in the sky
Farewell Caelum, Hydra, and Sagittarius
Goodbye hopeful, unrealistic lonely heart.
After all we both know the mind wins sometimes
_____________________________________________________

last one, i swear.
It’s the way we lay beneath the sheets
Tucked away and tangled in our own skin
With our fingertips sinking carefully in
The curvature of our hips.

It’s the way we delicately move into
One another with a persistent aggression
That is neither over powering nor rough
But with simple, genuine intention.

It’s the way our lips lightly meet
And cleverly turn into kissing after
So much tense anticipation from
The ongoing and welcomed temptation.

three things.

1. today was the lonliest day i've had in so long. but I wasn't alone, which is why it felt so lonely.

2. eleven is everywhere, i need help.

3. This time I want to take it slow
and try to keep this life in line
Maybe fall in love so
I can learn to love the night

too much reflecting.

1. the other day some elderly woman came to me, and when she spoke she clutched my arm near the elbow, as if she was reaching out. It felt like something so much deeper than her simple question. She stared me in the eyes with a big toothy grin, and latched on. Such strength in her old bones, I wonder if her question was all she was trying to communicate. She captivated me.



2. I don't remember where I was going or coming back from but I drove against the sunrise recently. It was coming up behind me. The light flickering out, faded and fresh behind me, and the dim stars fading out ahead of me. Beautiful.



3. Speaking of beautiful, I wish you could see the night sky here. You can see the strand of the milky way weave in the sky. You can easily point out constellations, the space station, and the brightest stars in the sky- in fact even some of the most dull. Certain times of the year Venus and Mars are visable. But for now, this thick star lined sky against the milky way, spring peepers, and wet hay fields make me wish I had someone with enough adventure in their blood who would be willing to pitch a tent with me and sleep beneathe it. Please do.



4. I've been heavily troubled with eleven lately. you wouldn't understand the depth within that number to me no matter how hard I tried to explain it. To be brief, it haunts me. It is a part of one of less often talked about abilities which lately I have been terribly good at. I'm getting uncomfortable with knowing or having a strong idea of what is going to happen, before it does. Imagine knowing terrible things, to terrible to even tell the people you love in fear that it too will make them worried. This is an entry within itself, that I will never write about. But back to eleven, it is very signifigant to me. The past three days I have seen it more than I can handle. Three days ago, on that late drive back home, in a half hours worth of driving I saw eleven cars on the road. Today, I turned the car on at 5:11, the first speed sign was 55 (eleven five times), and i don't know why but I looked at the mile marker without even meaning to and it was mile eleven. The Album I put my ipod on to listen to had eleven tracks. Highway signs would have numbers such as #11, or 1#1, or 11#. The first exit I passed was 29, which equals eleven. Speed limit of 65 is like six plus five equals eleven. Obsessed perhaps, but then tell me why my first text message of the day was the 11th one, why the three cars ahead of me had license places (yes three cars) that had eleven in them, like 11etc. It is out to get me, in some way. Its been months and I have learned to grow and not be afraid of it. I just can't figure out its energy, although I think its positive.



5. Today I went to this large mall to help open up another store location for the company I work for. It was interesting to say the least, fun would be a nice lie. nine hundred and sixty boxes worth of shipment, all of them to organize, tag, fold/hang, and place. Not to mention the tables, walls, signs etc that were still being built by our visual display artists. People from San Diego, Orlando, San Francisco, Kansas, the Carolina(s?), Philly, Our store, etc. It was a dusty, slightly unfriendly hot mess. I am happy its over. The drive was terrible.



6. Ugh, the drive. Was a series of... ...2rghwqgk. That took me a minute? So, so long and drawn out and sweaty hot humid. Creeps in their beemers trying to hit on me while we are stopped in traffic. It gave me too much time to think. I have so much thinking to do.But my head nearly exploded and I almost pulled over to catch a breath.



7. Ask me why I drove (after my like, five hours of driving today) a half hour to the pharmacy to pick up my DADS medication? Go ahead ask me. Because my mom asked me to go to she could stay with my littler siblings. If he asked, it'd be laughing.



8. Running on like 9-10 hours of sleep for thebest for days. Usually I'm a champ but I am drifint. ehrn





9. i was planning on wrting to someone in a letter and and never sending it- jusy do i



*I fell asleep last night before I could finish this post, andd I am leaving it this way because I think its funny how on the last two I trailed off.

just a thought or two.

I feel like I am saying the same things over and over again. You know those people you fear you may run into while getting gas or buying groceries? Those. "lets play 21 question" folks who know everything about you untill you ran away to college? High school hallway hellos, the overly involved mom from the team, your friends mom friends, the ex boyfriend mom. Ugh. I feel like that has been me recently. And every time they ask so what are you up to this summer, the only words I can get out of my brain are, "working, a lot." And then I reflect like a series of events, like I am rewinding a movie (but my movie) on super speed. I look back and see myself Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday sitting in traffic, folding clothes, dealing with an assholel, finding a size, driving home. Sunday, sitting around waiting for tables, apps, salads, main, desserts, tip. And then I fast forward back to me and who ever I am awkwardly talking to and blink like, shit. This is my summer. I suppose I happily blurb out something about how much I am working because I almost always get the "Good for you, you'll be making a lot of money this summer."

I mean, i am not complaining, because yes, I will be making a lot of money. I am just hoping I'll have the chance to live life and enjoy my summer as well. Last summer I was lucky to not work too much and make good money. I was able to see a lot of friends, hit the beach, hike, go to the waterfalls, shows, etc. but then again, I am also more of a night time person, and even with my six days a week working schedule, I still find the time to go out. So, on second thought, I'm not sure what I am worried about? This weekend alone, I went to the city friday with a few coworkers and my best friend, chilled with nikki in the morning (even though I was in bed), I've gone out for coffee the past week three times with different friends, and slept over Karsons house last night. I also have two birthday parties, a going away party, and a friends-from-home get together party in the next two weeks.. and thats just the stuff I KNOW I am doing. So in he long run, despite all the work, I am still finding time to hang out with loved ones, so far so good. If I can hit the beach a few times this summer, that would be awesome.

my main goal is to go on a vacation this august, hopefully with a friend or two. Even if i rent a beach house in NJ. Or take a cheap ticket to a city i've never been too. This is my goal. And now that I am so headstrong on this, I am doing my mini research to narrow down some options and the real point of this blurb is lost. Opps.