fuel.

things have been strange, but after a few personal ups and downs, I decided I'd have to change my mindset. I have a really long drive to and from work almost every day, so I have a lot of time to turn the music off and contemplate everything that doesn't mean anything, and all which sadly does. I've been in a rut, at least my thinking. I can't explain it in a way that would make sense, let alone make me sound anything but crazy. So, I won't. But lets just say I'm at a strange point in my life. You know when you are thirteen, how you aren't a kid anymore, and you're not a teenager? Thats sort of how I feel about myself lately. This time last year, I had immagined myself in a complete different place. When I saw myself not ending up in this pre-destined vision, I was pretty bummed. But, by not ending up down the path I saw for myself, I did come across some incredible people, learn some things the hard way, and enjoyed myself in ways I never knew I could. (so thats the bright side.) I guess I was filling my head up with past ambitions, feeling like I cheated myself, questioning my hardwork.

but, I am changing my mindset because I know I will get where I want to be. I am working for the life I know I can live. I will never get there though if I burry myself in woes and worries, and questions of my true purposes and ambitions. I have to use the negative feedback and churn it into motivation. Oh god, if you only knew the terrible things people said about my future. I feel like no one believed I could get out of this town. And if I could, how long I would last out in the real world before crawling home. But I'm not doing any crawling, and begging- I'm still heading out here, where ever here is. You just wait and see. To all the people who laughed at me in my tiny high school. For those who literally asked, if I would be "making overalls?" with a design degree. To teachers who said that i'd be "wasting so much of my hardwork if I went into fashion." And others who told me, "I am so ashamed of you." To admissions from various colleges who were angered when I declined their rides into medical school, for what I wanted to do. I need to change my mindset because I am not living for anyone else but me. This is my life, I plan on living it the way that makes me feel happiest. Who is to tell me just what makes me happy, when I know I know myself better than anyone else?

because in the end, if I die tomorrow can I look back at yesterday and say I was happy?


mark my words, I am on a search for a future that makes me feel complete, and I will get there. And for one of the first times in my life, I feel like I have meaning, that I am going somewhere. I have happiness in the choices I have control over. And considering I've grown up my whole life feeling alone, I finally feel like I might belong somewhere, here in my current journey. and for this, with its ups and downs, with my contined battle to feel like I belong, and my ability to turn your bullshit into fuel, I am learning how to be happy.