an overview of some sort.

my thoughts have been a mess lately. i think and think all day of how i can try to figure myself out, and feel these crazy outbursts where i want to write everything out, reread it, and understand. but when i actually have the chance to sit down and reflect, i panic and think there are better things to do than complain. and being that this is some lame online blog, posting anything about your life on it seems very seventh grade. so i stop, and instead keep everything in so carefully. so carefully and quiet.

sunday night i texted my friend to see if he was on campus. i was miserable. i was torn. my hour and a half drive from home was lonely and dull. my evening was terrible, for the sake of not seeming fourteen i will save you the details. but he said he was not at school. i explained that i needed a hug. and truely that was just what i needed. my issue is, no matter whats going on, i can't tell you. i just don't know how to ask for help. to say to someone please listen to me, i'm upset. i dislike crying and would rather not in front of other people. and i was slightly relieved that he wasn't there. because him being at school would have meant me having to talk about why i am upset when i'd rather just forget about it. right? he asked me if i was really okay. and i said yes that it wasn't a very big deal. but perhaps that time it was.

in one paragraph this is my life. i'm restless. i'm in need of change. i'm dreaming of way bigger things. but for once in my life, maybe i need more than just me to figure things out. i'm uncomfortable. i'm ungodly stressed. i'm in debt. i'm overexhausted. my meals consist of canned foods and cereal bars. i work five days a week, two jobs, and can not afford to pay off this last semester. i pay for school on my own and somehow my loan didn't go through correctly; just found out and i can not register for another semester. i'm also slightly homeless. is that what it is called? hopefully, a final, and terrible, terrible agrument between my father and i from a few weeks ago is responsible for this. bittersweet, but bad timing. at nineteen i didn't expect to be trying to find a house to rent, paying for school on my own, working five days a week, and to have debt. all on my own. can i do it? everyone else seems to think so. including my mom, who is very angry with my father and has let me come home. but she too believes i should move out for my sake. and although i come home to visit, i hate it there. the atmosphere. the tension. the silence at dinners. the whispers behind closed doors. for my own sake, and my happiness i cannot stay there. but deep down, i'm heavily questioning how this will work out. i've fought my way through a lot, but this time i feel like i am burning out. but i refuse to be homeless, broke and hopeless. you can't take that away from me.

there is only so much a path ride into the city can give me. stellas, gin and tonics, and screwdrivers. french guys tripping to crystal castles. there is only so much i get out of a new tee shirt. out of a can of organically processed soybeans. out of milky way hot chocolates and multi-grained bagels toasted with cream cheese. all these little mundane routines that somehow construct my life so carefully like jjigsaw puzzle pieces, with bent and tainted edges.

i am also tired of knowing whats going to happen before it actually happens. the future if you will. it leaves a knot in my stomach full of secrets. terrible knots that leave me awake all night hoping i'm not right. i have learned to not share my preminisions with anyone for the sake of their happiness. but the truth eats me inside most of the time.

the worst is not over. and for this, i am afraid.











note: its 3:10 am. i had this comment on my previous entry:
Anonymous said...
Don't exaggerate the times..
there are time stamps on your entries.
and i want to point out that there is a three hour time difference or something with the entries. so it runs on a different time zone. just wanted to point out that your little clever tip wasn't so clever.