today, while in conversation regarding blogs, I was asked why I even bother posting- its not like anyone reads blogs. Frankly I could give two shits if no one or everyone reads this. Its for me, and my thoughts, my cure for late night fears and lonely battles. if you read it, sucks for you because this blog is pretty basic an boring.
1. i'm beyond frustrated at this point. i'm almost convinced that all guys are the same. i believe my expectations are too high. i like a decent conversation, something intelligent over coffee. is that high expectations? Do smart guys come in five foot plump packages only? with vidoe game systems? Do intelligent guys come with big dicks and sleeves? Can fuck ups become nuns?
2. i've been bored lately. my city nights have dwindled down, which is good and bad. going to the city gives me fun memories, fancy drinks, flashy pictures, whatever. but they also give me no sleep, more creeps, and more routine. its 2:34 and i have nothing to do. for once? i wish i had a friend i could call up and say, hey, lets go get tea? or breakfast? or lets drive and get lost? i keep believing in change because hope is all i have right now.
3. on a serious note, and a more positive i'm lucky to have at least one really good friend. i played ball for two hours last night and went to her dorm directly after. we just listened to eachother and reviewed her portfolio in her attempt to transfer. we planned her journey out for the day. we also went to a few random stores, after getting lost at like three in the morning. we ate a pint of ben and jerrys while giving eachother little details about past love and lusts and future intentions. we are almost nothing like eachother. in givin situations we would handle it completly differently. but deep down we are the same. for the first time since my real first best friend, i feel like i'm close to someone.
4. college still rules at times. i left a friends dorm room party after heroin was whipped out. on my venture back to my own dorm i stumbled across three dudes smoking reefer who i always see and never talk to. they were nice, and friendly and said HEY! so i stopped and introduced myself, laughing how we always see eachother but have never met. I chatted with them on the hill for a while. Meeting nice, ill people randomly rules really hard.
5. i've been playing ball. i played for two hours last night. i shot until my wrist wouldn't flick any more. i shot untill i stopped missing. today my body hates me. i went anyway to the gym to work on my form and keep the good shot, which paid off. one of the biggest things i miss about high school is basketball. the smell of the gym, the chapped fingers from the ball, the running untill your mouth tasted funny, the confidence, the long bus rides wrapped in blankets, the holidays and weekends spent getting screamed at, the matching high socks, the bloody noses, the screamin, jeering stands at foul shots, people wearing your jersey number, my coach who would call time out just to say what the hell is going on out there, now get out of my face. miss it. miss it so much.
bla bla bleeeee blahhhhh. its 3:35am and i'm not even tired. i've decided i have a problem. possibly a fear of sleeping. the only time i can sleep is when i am in bed with someone. not even like thatt, just like next to someone. like when i sleep with nikki i have the best sleeps of my life.
but lately i have been having terrible nightmares. awful, disturbing nightmares.
8 comments:
You are so ungrateful. People not as fortunate as you, may want to do more than half the things you do, but may not have the money, etc.. You sound like a brat, and not a very good person.
i debated for a bit trying to decide if it was even mature or worth my time to respond to your anonmyous comment. i never understood why people would rather say nothing at all than something nasty or unintelligent.
i'm not really sure what you are referring to as being ungrateful, or not a good person. if you read the enry at all, i was talking about five things. one being that i'm convinced all guys are the same, which is a typical girl ranting statement- which is beither ungrateful or making me a bad person. its saying that i have no luck.
the second thing i addressed was the good and bad in not going out tonight, specifically tuesday nights. i mentioned that although its fun (and i enjoy it) there are a lot of creepy things that happen. not going out allows me to get my work finished, relax, work more and hit the gym. does that make me a bad person? or a less grateful one because i am managing mt time? am i brat for like most people to get slightly bored of the city? especially when i used to do the same thing tuesdday nights?
the third thing i addressed was how lucky i am to have a great friend. and i went into mini detail to show how good of a relationship we have, despite our difference. does this make me ungrateful for recognizing how lucky i am? a brat for lettng the world know i have finally found a real friend? a bad person for wanting to embrace it?
i also talked about how college is still fun at times. how i chatted with three strangers who stopped me, to be nice. to laugh. bratty indeeed!
and lastly i reflected on one of my greatest high school memories. one that realy defined me as a person and still does. talking about the memories and the sensations that went along with the game does not say anything about being ungrateful or bratty. in fact its saying that i was fortunate to have this in my life. and it is missed.
i'm not sure what you are referring to in your comment. never did i say i am not lucky for things that i do. or that i hate doing them. i know i am very lucky, but i work hard and earn my priviledges. its not about money to enjoy half the places and events that i attend. in fact, most of my favorite times in life cost nothing. if you are referring to the city? it costs 3.25 to get into the city, ten roundtrip for a taxi, and the rest is free. i work two jobs and almost forty hours a week. i pay for my education, car, phone, meals, gas, and will be paying for my own home soon also.
so before you try and down talk me, and say "i sound like a brat, an not a very good person.' think about it. because even though words can be hurtful (as well as pointless)you make yourself look like more of a "not a very good person" than me for saying something mean in the first place.
Did u ever think that some of ur 'friends' read this and when u say things like "for the first time since my real first best friend, i feel like i'm close to someone" and " i wish i had a friend i could call up and say, hey, lets go get tea?" it might hurt them, knowing that u dont consider them friends or close?
Person above has a point. Maybe the first poster was hurt by the fact that you disregard the fact that you have friends and you've had friends before that you completely disregard and seem to indicate that they aren't real friends. Have you considered that perhaps they might be hurt by this? All we get to see here is how you brag about your one friend as if they're the only one who cares about you or who has ever cared about you. Maybe you haven't seen it or you just ignore them. maybe this is what the first poster meant by you being ungrateful, not being grateful for the friends who are there for you but you choose to disregard.
I don't necessarily know you well, but from an outside opinion, maybe you need to re-assess yourself, and the way you act towards people, especially ones you call "friends" instead of complaining and saying you have none. You may be hurting a number of people's feelings and not even know, or care.
Maybe if we all wear tight cl0thes and sh0rt skirts, g0 t0 clubs, and stay up all night, then.. maybe just then.. we can be her friends!!
this is 100% immature. and reminds me why i have to keep my blog private to disregard ignorant people.
honestly, if you have an issue with me of somesort i'd rather you hit me up and ask if we could talk about it. instead of posting anonymous comments on cyber world- even though its pretty bad ass of you.
how is it mean or ungrateful or bratty or offensive if i am saying, at least i have one (which means i could have more than one) friend that i feel especially close with. relationships are never easy, we all know that. so whats wrong with me saying i'm happy that since my first real close middle school best friend, i have found a similar friendship? i wasn't bragging, i was saying i was lucky, which is being grateful.. in my own blog.
anddd i never said i don't have friends so i'm not sure what i have to reaccess?
and on a final rebuttle to unslaught of terrible comments, i don't hang out with anyone from the city. and when i go to these events, which it isnt clubbing, i hang with everyone. go-go dancers, trannys, couples, friends from school, people i've met at other parties, people i've just met. i'm pretty friendly, actually.
ugh seriously do you think that i'm not upset nor offended by people who i don't even know who are saying mean things about me? over some issues that have been blown out of proportions?
Okay. I told myself I would never comment on these things but those anonymous comments are so fuckin' lame. This is a blog about her thoughts, her life, her everything. She's writing how she sees things, how she reacts to situation, etc. The friend comment, come on. Everybody has close friends, but to actually get that feeling of being able to call them up at 3 in the morning to just hang out with a cup of tea, or a long drive to just talk, that's a hard thing to find. Usually the hardest with the same sex. If people are going to take offense to what she is writing, DON'T READ IT. I first started looking at this because I thought it was an art blog, to just look at her art or other artists she is influenced by. But the fact that she writes personal information in a public blog, is actually pretty cool. These are actual REAL thoughts she is talking about. Not stupid bullshit. Real stuff that goes on with everybody, and it's nice to be able to relate to someone else going through the same thing.
And how the hell can you think she is ungrateful? if you even read these blogs, or even her responses to your shitty comments, you'd understand she works WAY more then the average college student. She pays for everything. Full time college student and full time job. Does anybody realize how hard that is? I work three jobs, full time community college student, and play music, and I barely have time/ energy to do half as much as this girl.
This was way longer than it needed to be.
-Andy
www.myspace.com/andychecker
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