organize my life by numbers.

1. Last night my fellow co workers and I folded the store into perfection which led us to the latest leave for a perfect close in urban history. Nearly three am. Everyone was fairly cranky. The banter and jokes and poking that usually goes on was non exsistant. I laid on the floor in the corner while we waited to be allowed to leave after we finished. Because I had an hour and a half drive home from lovely montclair I was afraid of the st. pattys day drunks on the road. When i got to my car I said a little prayer. I also stopped for some hummus and crackers to nosh on. When I hit sussex around four am I started to get that highway sleeping thing. So I crankedd some heavy screamo music on that I could sing a long too to try and stay awake. four thirty am.

2. my right nostril is rotting off my nose. Yesterday, with about a bit more than a half hour before work I stopped at the nearby joint that did both my ink and my nose piercing. I've been wanting my hoop but had to wait. Waitressing means no hoop. But its been a while.. not too long. Only nine weeks but I went in with the intentions of purchasing a hoop. I asked the guy who pierced me if he thought nine weeks was too early to change it. After he looked at it and noted that I healed up nicely and took good care of it he said he could change it for me real quick. So he did. but to both of our surprise he put a hoop in that was way to teenie for my nose. It was pulling at the hole and cutting into my nose at the brim. Clearly not fitting he was like oh, I'll put the next size up on. Well it was stuck. For nearly a half hour he struggled with trying to pull it off. Every tool possible in every size yanking at my nose to the point where my nose was so swollen and sore. He was still unable to get it off. And was grabbing skin and cartilage with every grab of the plyers. My nose was bleeding, I was clenching the chair, and fighting back tears as he nervously yanked me nose apart. It was the most painful thing. Honestly worse than getting ink, and when I actually got it pierced. He finally removed it, stuck the next size in and in a rush closed it into a square. Had to remove it again. Which was still painful because my nose was so swollen and quitting at life. The third one would not go in because it was so swollen that he stuck the stud back in and was like come back in two weeks when your nose isn't swollen. He said keep the ring its on me. I was like are you sure? How much does it cost. He was like fifteen. And I paid him? and I got the FUCK OUT. I was like, twenty minutes late to work with blood dripping down my nose and my eyes all red from lack of crying. I recieved a tardy at work. and a missing nose. Its still very swollen.

3. on a serious note:

I believe in so much that somehing good will happen. I turn negative energy into motivation. This is how I get by. This is how I am able to rely on nothing but myself and my growing independence. Something good has to happen to me soon. Through everything that is going on, all the negative, all the lack of progress, I keep believing. I am not everything I want to be but I feel like I am filling into the growth I am making, while recognizing how much more I have to do to become this ideal person that I see. But tell me, is hoping weak or powerful? Am I weak to so heavily believe that things will be okay? To hang on hope and even when it doesn't come, believe harder? Or is it powerful to not give up, to not settle. to believe with everything. Is this ignorance? Is this strength? I can't decide. I'd like to say it's strength, but only because if it is ignorance I can't stop believing. The day I stop pushing forward, making changes, believing is the day I stop living.

4. On a change of subject. There is this boy. I guess its fair to say that I am digging him. There are a lot of things to him that make him pretty incredible. And he by far isn't like other guys. It has been about a year since I've had a serious crush. But with all my impulsiveness and outgoing-ness I don't have it in me to tell him that I find him incredible. Silly perhaps because I preach the no games please policey, the if you like someone tell them you never know mindset. But, its different this time. For the first time in such a long time, I feel fuzzy. and I am afraid of how he makes me feel. If I became a nun my life would be so much easier.

5. Listen to Wolftron. Kenny Chois solo project. The singer and guitarist from Daphne Loves Derby. My favorite band of all time. I've been listening to them since seventh grade. I see them every time they come to the East Coast and get lost in the music. Close my eyes and reflect on every little lyric and strum that got me through life since i was thirteen or fourteen. Beautiful.

6. herro. I am getting up to live life now. Its beautiful outside andd I'm wasting away in lazzzzines in bed. Coming home is so pretty. No neighbors. No curtains on windows. No noise. Nothing blocking the constallations at night. Open roads. Golden hay fields. Creepy bugs.