i wrote this to try and explain, and also solve my terrible sleeping habits.
six in the morning.
staying alive all night to just
fall asleep to the morning songbirds
beckoning the sun to glow through the skyline
between the curtains of my windows.
lullabies, their melodies to me
a comforting sound to my ear
a careful and decent reminder
to sleep softly as the morning nears.
simple and sweet they sing to me
what dreams while sleeping can no longer give
my breath longs to fade awake into new days
with the security to live.
the sun spots creeping onto my sheets
and falling to rest on my skin
allow me to find comfort in a long night
that i have conquered again.
my insecurities about death tend to
consume me, controlling my abilty
to sleep clearly when all i await
is thee amber sky to console me.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
what day is it?
it was an interesting weekend to say the least. i feel as though i should run through it. i have a terrible memory and thus writing is my only way to remember, perhaps.
monday ruled. minus the bearrrrr at webster hall. so fucking good. i went with like ten of my friends. we pregamed. this was my first time ever being drunk at a show. or before a show?? i was wasted at six in the afternoon. what an awesome feeling. its daylight. i felt like i was doing something wrong? but anyways. we all ate sushi and made it to the show. we were realllly close to the main stage. jammin out hard to wonderful minus the bear. i even put myself in the mini jamsesh pit. it was such a rush because the crowd moved like waves.
tuesday?
so bla bla bla wednesday sorta blew. it was mad dead. nikki and i left early. had THEE most craziest path experience ever. after being followed and cooed at and asked how much we would be together at the same time, some teenie little white-boy lookin doood told them to fuck off. which they did. he annouces he is high on shrooms, from CT, and chats with us and his friend waiting for the train. when we hopped on the train, we were joined buy a few oddly dressed french guys. one who was tall and chubby, wearing thick black frames. they were bumping crystal castles on one of their phones. which led to a path train dance party of threee french drunk doods who spoke terrible english and two tripppin on shrooms CT guys almost grinding. this caused nikki and i to literally just stare. we asked ourselves many times, what is going on?? the world may never know. but i have a video! whooo!
thursday was out of control. a "i'm going to shoot up the school on april 10th" message found written in Dickson hall caused for crazy security. helicoptors, news channels, snipers on roof tops, and 120 cops. yes, one hundred and twenty. they were everywhere. you couldn't get on campous without showing legit MSU ID. cops on buses, in dorms, on motorcycles. everywhere. and the strange part was that it was a beautiful day. so beautiful that there had to be over a hundred kids on campus outside. football games, wiffle ball, frisbee, tanning, ice cream fests, everything. all in the threat of getting killed. what beautiful irony. terribly beautiful. i loved sitting, observing the happiness of everyone who clearly did not let the fear ruin their day. we could die anyday, anytime. we should be enjoying our life more frequently- not just when we feel it is in jeopardy.
friday ruled. worked my ass off first of course. after, nikki and i met up with jacqui and michelle, and jacquis bandmates doc and steve at angels and kings for a few drinks. the bartender jessy ruled really hard and made us drinks that were out of control. i had so many fun, crazy, exotic drinks. two of which were his own creations, and wow so fuckinnn good. i remember having a maih taih (sp), tequilla shots (which i love), a beer, two shots of jessys made mixed drink, a huge glass of something else he created, and a lemon drop? i usuallyy don't mix up my drinks either but shit he made such good drinks i couldn't help but drink them all. funny thing is, i didn't even get fucked up. after our little drink fest we hit the streets. i realized i left my beloved flats in the taxi cab, which was very upsetting. it also meant i had to walk the blockss and aveees in monster platform shoes. once we hit jersey we stopped at a diner. i think i ate eggs. poor doc was sp drunk he just put his head down on the table and snored while we chatted. sooo funny. and to make a long story short we ended up back on campus at seven in the morning. poor nikki had work at nine so stayed up the whole way through.
saturday i slept most of the day away because i had off. i cleaned, folded and organized my dorm which ruled really fuckin hard. it was a mess and even hard to live in. but not no mo! after i cleaned my life up it was time to hit up the paulson, folly, rlgl show. i saw lotsa lovely people. rlgl was gooood as always. paulson was strange for some reason? but the music was banging. and folly fucking owned. they played at least twenty songs. there were bodies everywhere, crowd surfing, moshing, kicking, screaming, throwing, everything. it was out of control. dan and john invited us back to their bandmates pad for a leetle party. i like little house parties because i feel content drinking in them. i dislike getting wasted in the city, although it happens- i just don't like too. but ill people were there so i joined in on the fun. i had to drive too so i sobered up and DD'd my friends. good times.
today blew. minus the salmon i ordered at work. and the 180 bucks i made on serving lazy people food. word.
monday ruled. minus the bearrrrr at webster hall. so fucking good. i went with like ten of my friends. we pregamed. this was my first time ever being drunk at a show. or before a show?? i was wasted at six in the afternoon. what an awesome feeling. its daylight. i felt like i was doing something wrong? but anyways. we all ate sushi and made it to the show. we were realllly close to the main stage. jammin out hard to wonderful minus the bear. i even put myself in the mini jamsesh pit. it was such a rush because the crowd moved like waves.
tuesday?
so bla bla bla wednesday sorta blew. it was mad dead. nikki and i left early. had THEE most craziest path experience ever. after being followed and cooed at and asked how much we would be together at the same time, some teenie little white-boy lookin doood told them to fuck off. which they did. he annouces he is high on shrooms, from CT, and chats with us and his friend waiting for the train. when we hopped on the train, we were joined buy a few oddly dressed french guys. one who was tall and chubby, wearing thick black frames. they were bumping crystal castles on one of their phones. which led to a path train dance party of threee french drunk doods who spoke terrible english and two tripppin on shrooms CT guys almost grinding. this caused nikki and i to literally just stare. we asked ourselves many times, what is going on?? the world may never know. but i have a video! whooo!
thursday was out of control. a "i'm going to shoot up the school on april 10th" message found written in Dickson hall caused for crazy security. helicoptors, news channels, snipers on roof tops, and 120 cops. yes, one hundred and twenty. they were everywhere. you couldn't get on campous without showing legit MSU ID. cops on buses, in dorms, on motorcycles. everywhere. and the strange part was that it was a beautiful day. so beautiful that there had to be over a hundred kids on campus outside. football games, wiffle ball, frisbee, tanning, ice cream fests, everything. all in the threat of getting killed. what beautiful irony. terribly beautiful. i loved sitting, observing the happiness of everyone who clearly did not let the fear ruin their day. we could die anyday, anytime. we should be enjoying our life more frequently- not just when we feel it is in jeopardy.
friday ruled. worked my ass off first of course. after, nikki and i met up with jacqui and michelle, and jacquis bandmates doc and steve at angels and kings for a few drinks. the bartender jessy ruled really hard and made us drinks that were out of control. i had so many fun, crazy, exotic drinks. two of which were his own creations, and wow so fuckinnn good. i remember having a maih taih (sp), tequilla shots (which i love), a beer, two shots of jessys made mixed drink, a huge glass of something else he created, and a lemon drop? i usuallyy don't mix up my drinks either but shit he made such good drinks i couldn't help but drink them all. funny thing is, i didn't even get fucked up. after our little drink fest we hit the streets. i realized i left my beloved flats in the taxi cab, which was very upsetting. it also meant i had to walk the blockss and aveees in monster platform shoes. once we hit jersey we stopped at a diner. i think i ate eggs. poor doc was sp drunk he just put his head down on the table and snored while we chatted. sooo funny. and to make a long story short we ended up back on campus at seven in the morning. poor nikki had work at nine so stayed up the whole way through.
saturday i slept most of the day away because i had off. i cleaned, folded and organized my dorm which ruled really fuckin hard. it was a mess and even hard to live in. but not no mo! after i cleaned my life up it was time to hit up the paulson, folly, rlgl show. i saw lotsa lovely people. rlgl was gooood as always. paulson was strange for some reason? but the music was banging. and folly fucking owned. they played at least twenty songs. there were bodies everywhere, crowd surfing, moshing, kicking, screaming, throwing, everything. it was out of control. dan and john invited us back to their bandmates pad for a leetle party. i like little house parties because i feel content drinking in them. i dislike getting wasted in the city, although it happens- i just don't like too. but ill people were there so i joined in on the fun. i had to drive too so i sobered up and DD'd my friends. good times.
today blew. minus the salmon i ordered at work. and the 180 bucks i made on serving lazy people food. word.
Friday, April 11, 2008
i just ate a moldy donut.
yes, this is true. and also unfortunate.
i am waiting for nikki to finish getting ready
and in the process i became hungry and
decided to eat these chocolate frosted donuts by entenmanns.
the first one tasted funny. and i pushed the second aside
only to find that it is covered in fuzz. yes. yes fuzz.
fuck.
so if i die, you know why.
i do not have the energy for the city tonight? do i?
i am waiting for nikki to finish getting ready
and in the process i became hungry and
decided to eat these chocolate frosted donuts by entenmanns.
the first one tasted funny. and i pushed the second aside
only to find that it is covered in fuzz. yes. yes fuzz.
fuck.
so if i die, you know why.
i do not have the energy for the city tonight? do i?
Thursday, April 10, 2008
an overview of some sort.
my thoughts have been a mess lately. i think and think all day of how i can try to figure myself out, and feel these crazy outbursts where i want to write everything out, reread it, and understand. but when i actually have the chance to sit down and reflect, i panic and think there are better things to do than complain. and being that this is some lame online blog, posting anything about your life on it seems very seventh grade. so i stop, and instead keep everything in so carefully. so carefully and quiet.
sunday night i texted my friend to see if he was on campus. i was miserable. i was torn. my hour and a half drive from home was lonely and dull. my evening was terrible, for the sake of not seeming fourteen i will save you the details. but he said he was not at school. i explained that i needed a hug. and truely that was just what i needed. my issue is, no matter whats going on, i can't tell you. i just don't know how to ask for help. to say to someone please listen to me, i'm upset. i dislike crying and would rather not in front of other people. and i was slightly relieved that he wasn't there. because him being at school would have meant me having to talk about why i am upset when i'd rather just forget about it. right? he asked me if i was really okay. and i said yes that it wasn't a very big deal. but perhaps that time it was.
in one paragraph this is my life. i'm restless. i'm in need of change. i'm dreaming of way bigger things. but for once in my life, maybe i need more than just me to figure things out. i'm uncomfortable. i'm ungodly stressed. i'm in debt. i'm overexhausted. my meals consist of canned foods and cereal bars. i work five days a week, two jobs, and can not afford to pay off this last semester. i pay for school on my own and somehow my loan didn't go through correctly; just found out and i can not register for another semester. i'm also slightly homeless. is that what it is called? hopefully, a final, and terrible, terrible agrument between my father and i from a few weeks ago is responsible for this. bittersweet, but bad timing. at nineteen i didn't expect to be trying to find a house to rent, paying for school on my own, working five days a week, and to have debt. all on my own. can i do it? everyone else seems to think so. including my mom, who is very angry with my father and has let me come home. but she too believes i should move out for my sake. and although i come home to visit, i hate it there. the atmosphere. the tension. the silence at dinners. the whispers behind closed doors. for my own sake, and my happiness i cannot stay there. but deep down, i'm heavily questioning how this will work out. i've fought my way through a lot, but this time i feel like i am burning out. but i refuse to be homeless, broke and hopeless. you can't take that away from me.
there is only so much a path ride into the city can give me. stellas, gin and tonics, and screwdrivers. french guys tripping to crystal castles. there is only so much i get out of a new tee shirt. out of a can of organically processed soybeans. out of milky way hot chocolates and multi-grained bagels toasted with cream cheese. all these little mundane routines that somehow construct my life so carefully like jjigsaw puzzle pieces, with bent and tainted edges.
i am also tired of knowing whats going to happen before it actually happens. the future if you will. it leaves a knot in my stomach full of secrets. terrible knots that leave me awake all night hoping i'm not right. i have learned to not share my preminisions with anyone for the sake of their happiness. but the truth eats me inside most of the time.
the worst is not over. and for this, i am afraid.
note: its 3:10 am. i had this comment on my previous entry:
Anonymous said...
Don't exaggerate the times..
there are time stamps on your entries.
and i want to point out that there is a three hour time difference or something with the entries. so it runs on a different time zone. just wanted to point out that your little clever tip wasn't so clever.
sunday night i texted my friend to see if he was on campus. i was miserable. i was torn. my hour and a half drive from home was lonely and dull. my evening was terrible, for the sake of not seeming fourteen i will save you the details. but he said he was not at school. i explained that i needed a hug. and truely that was just what i needed. my issue is, no matter whats going on, i can't tell you. i just don't know how to ask for help. to say to someone please listen to me, i'm upset. i dislike crying and would rather not in front of other people. and i was slightly relieved that he wasn't there. because him being at school would have meant me having to talk about why i am upset when i'd rather just forget about it. right? he asked me if i was really okay. and i said yes that it wasn't a very big deal. but perhaps that time it was.
in one paragraph this is my life. i'm restless. i'm in need of change. i'm dreaming of way bigger things. but for once in my life, maybe i need more than just me to figure things out. i'm uncomfortable. i'm ungodly stressed. i'm in debt. i'm overexhausted. my meals consist of canned foods and cereal bars. i work five days a week, two jobs, and can not afford to pay off this last semester. i pay for school on my own and somehow my loan didn't go through correctly; just found out and i can not register for another semester. i'm also slightly homeless. is that what it is called? hopefully, a final, and terrible, terrible agrument between my father and i from a few weeks ago is responsible for this. bittersweet, but bad timing. at nineteen i didn't expect to be trying to find a house to rent, paying for school on my own, working five days a week, and to have debt. all on my own. can i do it? everyone else seems to think so. including my mom, who is very angry with my father and has let me come home. but she too believes i should move out for my sake. and although i come home to visit, i hate it there. the atmosphere. the tension. the silence at dinners. the whispers behind closed doors. for my own sake, and my happiness i cannot stay there. but deep down, i'm heavily questioning how this will work out. i've fought my way through a lot, but this time i feel like i am burning out. but i refuse to be homeless, broke and hopeless. you can't take that away from me.
there is only so much a path ride into the city can give me. stellas, gin and tonics, and screwdrivers. french guys tripping to crystal castles. there is only so much i get out of a new tee shirt. out of a can of organically processed soybeans. out of milky way hot chocolates and multi-grained bagels toasted with cream cheese. all these little mundane routines that somehow construct my life so carefully like jjigsaw puzzle pieces, with bent and tainted edges.
i am also tired of knowing whats going to happen before it actually happens. the future if you will. it leaves a knot in my stomach full of secrets. terrible knots that leave me awake all night hoping i'm not right. i have learned to not share my preminisions with anyone for the sake of their happiness. but the truth eats me inside most of the time.
the worst is not over. and for this, i am afraid.
note: its 3:10 am. i had this comment on my previous entry:
Anonymous said...
Don't exaggerate the times..
there are time stamps on your entries.
and i want to point out that there is a three hour time difference or something with the entries. so it runs on a different time zone. just wanted to point out that your little clever tip wasn't so clever.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
honestly.
what a fucking night. don't fucking mess with me. at least not tonight. or this morning. its 4:11. (god damn eleven) and i wish i could sleep. but my eyes burn from the ciggarette fest house party. the stench left as remnents on my clothes. and bloodshot eyes.
i LOVED sitting outside on the porch coughing. whoaa for DDs.
seriously just a terrible day. what a fucking day. night?
i need change.
now.
i LOVED sitting outside on the porch coughing. whoaa for DDs.
seriously just a terrible day. what a fucking day. night?
i need change.
now.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
young and restless?
its 3:02am and my head is fulllll but my body light. i'm drenched to the bone, stripped down in my underwear as a result of my impulsive run in the rain. i live for this rush. i'm living for the hopes of change.
god damnnnit. i'm nineteen years old. is that old or young? i think i feel young but nineteen is a long time to stay alive when everyone else around you is falling to pieces and surrendering to diseases and violence. so am i old? or just lucky so far? i'm still here, blood trickling through my veins and through the ventricles and atriums of my heart. but i feel as though i am gasping for breath, short of air. falling short on my words and struggling through actions.
i'm not depressed. i'm not suicidal. in fact it is everything oppisite of that. i want to live. i want to take advantage of every day. of all my options, oppurtunities, and engage in laugher. but these minutes wind in so sharply, stealing away hours, allowing me to become lost in days that fade into morning without a flicker of sleep. i'm just restless. just fucking restless.
i want so much more than this. than this two by two cubicle of a room that smells like water damaged walls. septic seaping through ceilings. i want more than this campus can give me. beyond the fucking greek like ra-ras gagging eachother with their dicks for initiation. more than red painted bodies plowing through people in stadiums rooting for people they don't know by name. more than the drunken bastards that wander around with a condom in their pocket and a forty hoping to fuck a girl who just got her heart broken. i want more than to be a bystander at a party, watching the world hook up around me. on top of me. in my bed. to only be asked why didn't you bring someone with you tonight? i want more than living off of organic soy beans and noshing on craisens and living out of a mircowave.
i am so much more than a nineteen year oldd binge drinking college freshmen hoping to get fucked by the next hot guy who walks through the frat house. i have so much more to do than to attend your pointless general education class about what you believe is the most important thing in the world. i am so god damn restless. there is so much more to life than learning from the books. there is so much more than slaving your youth away just so you can get a job to make enough money to slave the rest of your life away. how does this work. how does that even make sense. just because someone said we need an education to get a job? well now what, we all have college educations! should i go overseas? get my masters? suck your dick? Hi i'm spening thousands and thousands of dollars a year on random classes that will someone construct a degree that says i graduated in business. or teaching. or IT. fuck you.
all i want to do is learn how to fly a kite the right way. or learn how to dive. or backpack through europe with a map and a good soul. i want a cup of green tea and a good read. to sleep in and wake up in a patch of sun. i want to learn how to cook greek food. and soy foods. i want to learn to love again. i want to believe someone believes in me for a change. i want to get lost for days. change my name for a week. take the ferry instead of the train. i want to talk about modern art. i want to know what it was like growing up for you. i want to watch french cliche films. i want people to feel as though they can approach me. i want to stand in the streets and protest something i fight for. i want a beer on the beach. i want to figure out if i'm old or young. i want to stop knowing the future and not being able to tell people. i want everyone to stop runnning away. i want to kiss someone worthy in the spot i've been wanting to kiss someone in all semester, christ! i want to be able to sleep at night, or know how to.
i'm so restless. and done with this mundane, cookie-cutter way of how everything is percieved. isn't it crazy how everyone follows the norm. and agrees with it just because everyone else does. somebody has to break though it and think otherwise we would never change. we would stay the same. and what a terrible, terrible thought that is. complicated but easy to see- terrible non-the-less.
i'm just young and fucking restless. someone, something save me. sometime soon.
god damnnnit. i'm nineteen years old. is that old or young? i think i feel young but nineteen is a long time to stay alive when everyone else around you is falling to pieces and surrendering to diseases and violence. so am i old? or just lucky so far? i'm still here, blood trickling through my veins and through the ventricles and atriums of my heart. but i feel as though i am gasping for breath, short of air. falling short on my words and struggling through actions.
i'm not depressed. i'm not suicidal. in fact it is everything oppisite of that. i want to live. i want to take advantage of every day. of all my options, oppurtunities, and engage in laugher. but these minutes wind in so sharply, stealing away hours, allowing me to become lost in days that fade into morning without a flicker of sleep. i'm just restless. just fucking restless.
i want so much more than this. than this two by two cubicle of a room that smells like water damaged walls. septic seaping through ceilings. i want more than this campus can give me. beyond the fucking greek like ra-ras gagging eachother with their dicks for initiation. more than red painted bodies plowing through people in stadiums rooting for people they don't know by name. more than the drunken bastards that wander around with a condom in their pocket and a forty hoping to fuck a girl who just got her heart broken. i want more than to be a bystander at a party, watching the world hook up around me. on top of me. in my bed. to only be asked why didn't you bring someone with you tonight? i want more than living off of organic soy beans and noshing on craisens and living out of a mircowave.
i am so much more than a nineteen year oldd binge drinking college freshmen hoping to get fucked by the next hot guy who walks through the frat house. i have so much more to do than to attend your pointless general education class about what you believe is the most important thing in the world. i am so god damn restless. there is so much more to life than learning from the books. there is so much more than slaving your youth away just so you can get a job to make enough money to slave the rest of your life away. how does this work. how does that even make sense. just because someone said we need an education to get a job? well now what, we all have college educations! should i go overseas? get my masters? suck your dick? Hi i'm spening thousands and thousands of dollars a year on random classes that will someone construct a degree that says i graduated in business. or teaching. or IT. fuck you.
all i want to do is learn how to fly a kite the right way. or learn how to dive. or backpack through europe with a map and a good soul. i want a cup of green tea and a good read. to sleep in and wake up in a patch of sun. i want to learn how to cook greek food. and soy foods. i want to learn to love again. i want to believe someone believes in me for a change. i want to get lost for days. change my name for a week. take the ferry instead of the train. i want to talk about modern art. i want to know what it was like growing up for you. i want to watch french cliche films. i want people to feel as though they can approach me. i want to stand in the streets and protest something i fight for. i want a beer on the beach. i want to figure out if i'm old or young. i want to stop knowing the future and not being able to tell people. i want everyone to stop runnning away. i want to kiss someone worthy in the spot i've been wanting to kiss someone in all semester, christ! i want to be able to sleep at night, or know how to.
i'm so restless. and done with this mundane, cookie-cutter way of how everything is percieved. isn't it crazy how everyone follows the norm. and agrees with it just because everyone else does. somebody has to break though it and think otherwise we would never change. we would stay the same. and what a terrible, terrible thought that is. complicated but easy to see- terrible non-the-less.
i'm just young and fucking restless. someone, something save me. sometime soon.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Things that have made me smile recently.
1. The recent rain is a prelude to spring, to april. april is a month for me of failed relationships. I find it very symbolic. The past few aprils have been me finding a wonderful guy- but things go too fast, or he has a girlfriend, or what not. it reminds me of laying around in bed, in the sheets, talking about everything that raided our minds. and not touching.
2. Yesterday i left five minutes early to every class just to enjoy a slow walk in the rain. I didn't put a jacket or hood on. or carry an ubrella. instead, i just enjoyed it, embraced it. and went to every class wet, smelling like spring.
3. last night was one of those nights in Bohn Hall, where we all chill and fall asleep to the office.
4. the inter-racial openly gay couple who was on line for coffee beind nikki and i a few nights ago at four in the morning. brave people.
5. grocery shopping! means kashi cereal, organic canned veggies, soy beans, and V8 juice for all my cravings.
1. The recent rain is a prelude to spring, to april. april is a month for me of failed relationships. I find it very symbolic. The past few aprils have been me finding a wonderful guy- but things go too fast, or he has a girlfriend, or what not. it reminds me of laying around in bed, in the sheets, talking about everything that raided our minds. and not touching.
2. Yesterday i left five minutes early to every class just to enjoy a slow walk in the rain. I didn't put a jacket or hood on. or carry an ubrella. instead, i just enjoyed it, embraced it. and went to every class wet, smelling like spring.
3. last night was one of those nights in Bohn Hall, where we all chill and fall asleep to the office.
4. the inter-racial openly gay couple who was on line for coffee beind nikki and i a few nights ago at four in the morning. brave people.
5. grocery shopping! means kashi cereal, organic canned veggies, soy beans, and V8 juice for all my cravings.
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