lets be brief.

i love bullets. especially when i don't have anything legit to write about, just mental updates to keep track of my life.

1. friday night I slept over Nikks house, where we played the lets catch up game. Always lovely seeing that woman. We hit up a chill party at manny and johns place. Even though we didn't drink (okay so i had one PBR) it was fun. A lot of people from school showed up, its always nice to see everyone happily having a place to drink instead of cramming in a dorm room, getting shushed every five minutes, in between minus the bear songs haha.

2. saturday morning we went to look at an apartment in montclair. i think its adorable for us. I'm not sure how she feels about it because it was a tad run down. but it had that old charm, worn in feeling that i feel like montclair has. it was clean and well kept, so nothing crazzzy.

3. after work on saturday i went on some crazy adventure to pick up my boy, who was in the same town as work. I ended up getting oddly lost due to cell phones and alcohal messing up street signs. We ended up getting back to fort lee where we met up with his friends. One of his friends has a bar in his basement so we all relaxed there. We invested in some woodchuck beer which is pretty damn brilliant. Creations of shots were always up for grabs, so lets just say my taste testing got me a little silly. It was good to feel silly with everyone and laugh everything off.

4. Sunday we slept in and headed out to the city, tompkins square park (sp?) for a leftover crack show. wow, lets just say that was way interesting. the scene had such a great vibe to it, i just looked like a herb. Standing in a crowd of liberty spikes, forties, army pants, facial piercings, shaggy hair, total modern grunge rock, in my little vintage flat sandles, denim bermudas, a huge hippie inspired scarf and a fringed suede bag. Such a HERB. but the show was fun. People doing dope behind us, hopping fences, chanting FUCK THE POLICE, burning huge american flags and waving them around. Quite the experience. My boy, his friend, and I took it all in with a few Sparks which got me feeling a bit buzzed. We roamed the city until like, eleven at night. I can't even tell you what we were doing. We didn't even stop for dinner or anything, literally roamed around. Good fun, and the first sunday i've taken off since about febuary. When we finally arrived back in fort lee, we visited his friends again. We all hung out outside on the patio chatting it up. I think we left around two am. It was a well spent sunday.

5. Monday we slept in, but I had work at three. Monday was a terrible night to say the least. A lot of dramaaaaa going on between friends, family, and work. None of its connected but to have all three being shitty at the same time is out of control. If work sucks, you'd want to see your friends. If your friends suck, you'd want to see your family. If your family sucks, you'd want to get to work. But I have no grace period or mercy spot. Everything has been so strange. The high light of monday, at least evening/night was dinner with Alex and Jayro on break.

6. Today wasn't much better. I've been in a really pensive mood. I've been letting multiple things get to me personally that I have no control over. And as much as i'd like to create some sort of intervention, there is no way that I can. So i let it nibble at my brain all day. And of course, being me means not having it in me to talk about it. So, I don't. Thankfully Nikki came to my rescue today. And Lindsey gets honorable mention.

7. Tomorrow I'm waking up really early to head to the beach with a handful of my montague friends. This summer has been strange because I barely see anyone. I'm so fortunate that they have reached out to me. I feel like little-none of my friends make any effort to actually try and hang out. I have invited everyone I consider friends (with the exception of like, two people) to hang out, lets get lunch tomorrow, come to the beach on friday!, I miss you lets hang out when you have off this week, hey a group of us are going to the diner, my friend is having a party i want you to come with me! And its weird when you don't get that other half of the friendship reached out to you. Not to mention this past week I seriously got raped in the ass by like threee different friends over things that were blown out of proportions. I can think of a handfull of people who are lame this summer. If you are worried its you, it most likely is. But thanks to everyone who has made an effort, it has not gone unnoticed. and for that, I am thankful. You know who you are! I still love everyone though, regardless if you have been lame about loving me back ;)

8. Okay, so the beach. Rented a cheeeesy motel room! Like ten of us going to spend the day at the beach and to get sloppy. Knowing me I'll have like two beers and play mom. Ever since the first semester came and went, I have been unable to get shit faced... with a fewww exceptions. But knowing that none of us have to drive, we have a warm place to sleep, and that i'm in good company who has been there for me before, I'll get a tad silly. Regardless, all i want is that beautiful sunshine, tan lines, and that salty ocean. ipod on neutral milk hotel!

9. Technically be backkk thursday but since my mom will be away on business I will most likely not try to be home. I'll crash at manny and johns, and get to work on friday. My boy has off friday so i'll spend the night in fort lee and hit up work saturday. Its going to be a long week.

10. I feel like such a nomad. and i do this to myself. but im not complaining, because if i couldn't rely on good friends and loved ones, i'd be miserable at home.

knots.

ugh, i hate that terrible feeling, where you insides are tossing and turning and blending together. You know what I mean right? All because you hope you made the right choice. I need some more time before I can feel better in my stomach and know I made the right choices. Its so ironic. This whole thing.

anyways, rafting today was a great success. Eight of us took a seven mile trail down the delaware. It pretty much turned into war as EJ, Danny, and Mike attacked my boat, which had Bree Heather Sarah and Rachel in it. They stole all our oars and knocked us all out. We could barely get ourselves back in the damn boat let alone get anywhere once we managed to get back in. We dicked around for a while, soaked up some sun, and chilled at soe cliffs for a while. Mike managed to climb every one and successfully jump off at every height which made us all look like babies. I literally took a three step shuffle toward jumping off and almost vomitted. Fun fact: I have a terrible fear/phobia of falling. Not afraid of heights, just the falling process. I thought today would be the day I would face that fear, but I was wrong. Hopefully next time. Overall, a great fucking day.

Going to Wycoff tonight to see my girl Nikki. So I'm about to pack my bag for the weekend. Be back tuesdddday morning.

have a good, sillly weekend.

National Institute of Mental Health

Okay so the title has nothing to do with this entry. When I clicked the Title box a list of already typed things from someone elses search popped up, and this was the first one that caught my eye. so comic relief perhaps?


my beach day was pretty damn fabulous. it was me and my two younger sisters, maria and lucia. we left early to get there in time to catch some early sun. After locking my keys in the trunk only ten minutes away from the beach, (and having to use marias nail file to pick the lock) we arrived in one piece, laughing our asses off at my stupid gesture. It was even Lucias suggestion to pick the lock but maria pulled a quick super bitch and barked down her throat, "Shut up lucia that would never work."

We pretty much hung out all day and relaxed. Maria and I soaked up some sun while Lucia cleared the beach of seashells. I'm talking bags full. Don't ask why we let her keep so many. We also forced her into the ocean, even though she was a big baby about it, she'll thank us someday. We didn't even leave the beach until like seven pm.

when we got home, which was pretty late. Maria, Matt, Karson and I caught some fireworks at the stadium and chatted it up. We followed it up with a diner experience. The only diner Karson and I eat at. Not that this is signifigant to you, but I actually ordered a dinner. I almost always order eggs or a linzar tart haha.

My boy coming to visit me didn't work out exactly as plannnned. So I went to Fort Lee instead. I met up with him after work and we took a nice long walk to meet up with his friends and all chatted it up at some little hot spot in the woods, off this park, near the GW bridge. Its a really beautiful sight. Especially with a beer in hand. The night got a little silly but it was fun. He had work the next day early for a change so I pretty much slept all day (we didn't even get back to his house until four, let alone when ever we fell asleep.) until he came back. Which turned into a cheese-it fest. Later on he had a BBQ at his house with his friends which was also really relaxed and fun. Pre-BBQ turned into a quest to find me a veggie burger, haha, but it turned out to be a good night. and a good visit. Hes pretty darn cute. and fun.

Tomorrow is lunch with bethany and joannn before work. which is awesome because its been such a long time. prettty bummed that I missed nicks birthday festivities today because I got out of work so so late, all due to work drama that I am trying to keep really far out of. Point is, I missed my oburg boys tonight!! And I MISS them so much. Friday is rafting with my mtown crew, so excited to have an adventure. Join me? us?

bla bla I am too lazzzy to write about anything important. I feel funny typing on the family computer anyways.

happy bullets.

thanking god for living. and taking time out to appreciate how lucky i am and will be.

-spent the weekend at nikkis, swimming and relaxing and catching up on being brilliant friends. we went to our favorite little bar/party friday night. It was the first time we had gone out to it in a month or so. The party was a bit beat but we were just so happy to be thereee. We drove in which was a near death experience, I will spare you the details out of embarrasment. We drank stellas, which is our together beer. Well, I had almost a whole one he.

-I went jogging at 6am with maria and mike. I should probably do that again sometime even though they out ran me with flying colors.

-spent wednesday night roaming through the city trying to find this art gallery. Once we found it, my boy and i hit the bar for a drink, spent a good part of the night playing in the rain, trying to figure out buses, and returning back to fort lee where we just cheezed it all night. Must note that this was the best night in a long while. =)

-beach tomorrow. its my first day off from working since.. the 14th or 15th. Something crazy like that. So I am excited to see that beautiful ocean. I am taking maria and lucia with me for a sisterly day at the beach. This will be lucias first time in the ocean.

-tuesday my boy is coming up my way for a changeeee. I'm going to take him to a few waterfalls hot spot areas. Not sure which one(s) yet.. but should be fun.

-friday i am going water rafting with a bunch of my mtwon lovies. its been a while since I have done this, and feels like a longer while since I've seen some of these wonderful faces. I am excited to see who shows up.

-I am content. I am hopeful. I am convinced. I am positive. I am ready.

things and stuff.

Today I did some heavy thinking. I'd like to pretend that all of this thinking will find its way onto this cheesey internet blog but its obvious that it won't. For the simple fact that I can not follow my mind easily, and I don't want readers to attempt to follow also.

I've been so hopeful lately. But when hope is followed over and over again with failure you tend to take two steps backward, and one step forward. Eventually you could end up in the negatives. I'm going to try and explain myself the easiest way possible, I have to warn you that this will jump alot but will come together. If it doesn't come together sensibly, welcome to the inside of my brain.

While driving today I saw the teeniest, newest fawn, veneered in bright polka spots and a big black nose carefully shriveled up in the road. It was evident that someone had just hit the poor thing. In fact it could have well may be still taking its last breaths. And as I drove past, it sparked a whole series of thoughts.

Death is amongst the highest rated fears among people. We plan our life ready to die. After all it is the only thing garenteed in life, right? But we work hard to make money to live, to save for retirement, kids. We purchase life insurance, and sometimes our own funeral plots. We boast that this generation will live the longest. Many once life threatening diseases are easily treated with man made liquids and other strange discoveries. We use clever little catch phrases like, when I'm old and dying, or when I get old, or when my grandchildren grow up, etc etc.

Are we so ignorant to believe, and to easily forget, that death doesn't have an age? It sees no reason or mercy. We are all not going to die at seventy two or eighty nine. In fact, our fate could be much, much sooner. It could be in the next few minutes, tomorrow, twelve years from now. That baby deer, sure it may have not had any concept of death, but it was less than a few days old and was already nothing but flesh and blood. Even Darwin couldn't argue that getting struck by a car is "survival of the fittest."

I lost a friend this time two years ago. I rarely talk about it because I feel I have no say in talking about his death and I find it rather uncomfortable to remember him, as my friend who passed away- so bear with me. This friend was a childhood friend who lived down the street from me. We were very good friends one summer, and in fact he was my first real crush as a kid. We spent the summer going to the pool, playing basketball, and going over each others houses for dinners. We spent long hours talking and laughing and telling secrets. After this one particular summer ended, so did the closeness of our friendship. As the years progressed our friendship decreased, but without any bad blood- just timing. We saw each other every summer and remained chatty. Except for one summer, when before we left our junior year of high school, he was fatally injured in a car crash and died at the scene. Just like that. Seventeen years of life, the complexity of it, vanished in a heap of metal and one bad decision. I did not attend his funeral because I refused to remember him in death. To me, he is still laughing away, talking to me about his aspiration of growing up to become a lawyer. He was a good kid.

No one ever expects to die so young. Sometimes I wonder how everyones lives would be different if he didn't drive that day. He could have been in love, making someone life complete. He could have been teaching kids and making a difference in their life. Think of all things you have accomplished and seen, the people you have met in the last five years. Now immagine that you hadn't. It doesnt even make sense how much different everyones life would have been.

We need to stop living for tomorrow and start living for today. Everything could end in a moment. What you spent your whole life trying to prepare for the future and you never got to it? I'm not saying take out your savings account and buy lavish things and drive the car you've always wanted. I'm saying, tell your loved ones they are loved. Don't think twice to left. Think twice to judge. Remember to treat others how they want to be treated. Heck, go learn how to tapdance. Drive stick. Sail a boat. Speak german. We are all dying but only some of us are really living. Where do you fall under?

and I have been so hopeful that I too am living my life. I count my blessings everyday, and thank god for the good things instead of curse the bad things. I try to sacrafice some of myself to make life better for others, whether it is offering lunch, opening the door, telling a joke, or being the (consistant) DD. But sometimes I feel like I am not living to my fullest capacity.

In fact being little was probably the best time of my life. Not only did you have little to no worries, you certaintly were not worried about dying and planning for the future. I was concerned with waking up early to go out and ride bikes. How to get out of taking a shower so I could go out early and climb trees. Who would be home to play tag. I'd like to go back in time, to the only time in my life where I might have felt like I belonged. When I had a closet and a bed to sleep in, my height through the years etched into my doorway, a nightlight, a bed full of stuffed animals, and a diary. When ever I dream I am home at 57 Constiution Way. I'm at my seat in the kitchen, in those old fabric chairs, eating out of the floral dishes and my peter rabit cup. My grandfather is across the table informing me on everything there is to know.. like where telephone poles come from and how to make motorcycle sounds.

but i am not. I am here. Stuck at the weird age of nineteen, trying to live to the fullest. Trying to be serious about my future while remembering to live for today. And although I think I do better at living hard than most people, I am never satisfied. I feel distant as usual, and trapped at this awkward age. Wishing to be young and innocent, unaware that my old childhood friend would die. That my grandfather would too. That I would be stuck without a bed to claim as my own, and a hometown to feel home in.

I could die tomorrow and I would not be ready. I have so much more to give and to live before I prove that I am worthy to move onto the next adventure. I tell myself at least a hundred times everyday, You will succeed. You will succeed. You will get there. You will get there. You will not give up. You will not give up. To remind myself to stay positive and optimistic.

I could end up like the baby deer, like my old friend, like my grandfather. I could. I really could end up like either. Innocent and unknowing, reckless and quick, informed and slow.

I don't fear death, just not living life to the fullest. I honestly have so much love to give.

have you ever..

believed in something so much, wanted something so badly that you let in run through your mind for days ? with hope to understand it, with wishfulness to achieve it? and at the end of the day while you are lying in bed fighting insomnia, hoping for pleasent dreams, thought yourself into craziness? i've searched for the answers, i've destroyed my brain and all the intricate nerves that tangle into the limbs of my body. and i am still where I started. In fact, right where I started, winding in such terribly oval circles that i've forgotten where I last thought, as clever as a goldfish. Back to the blank canvas in hopes to understand it, with wishfulnss to achieve it.

Clearly, this entry makes no sense to you, in some sick twisted way this is exactly my thoughts. I want the answers so badly. I hate games. I am so god damn blunt.

Is it so terrible that this is all because, I want something good to happen to me. This could change my way of thought, bring sleep in my nights, the feeling og security, liveliness and color to my cheeks. Is it selfish, terrible, ridiculous that this is all because I am enjoying this lingering happiness. This possible oppurtunity to feel again in ways I have seriously forgotten? Call me ungrateful, selfish, terrible, bash me so ignorantly in your little comment replies, but in the end I just want to believe in what you all already have. and what I don't.

be kind to me. I am being hopeful.

life is good.

ignore that last entry.


i'm changing my mindset, staying positive, laughing as often as possible, and going out and living life almost every night. whether i'm in montclair, hoboken, wycoff, wanaque, manasquan, seaside, vernon, hampton, etc etc etc i've been on the go trying to live hard. and see as many familiar faces.

seeing friends from home has made me feel very grounded lately. i've been so far away from this little shithole that i havn't had time to appriciate it. I'm planning on making myself see differently: patience and optimisim.