melllllabellllla: home.

i went home for the daytime today to visit my family before work. This is the third time I've been home since January 20th. I kind of feel guilty because I feel like I am falling out of the lives of my younger siblings. If I had an older brother or sister I might look up to them and want to see them. I don't know I just don't want to become the "oh i have an older sister. she is in college, i saw her for christmas."

my little brother scratched his cornea. and is in terrible pain. He walks around grabbing his eye patch with both hands, squinting the other eye grumbling pathetically. I feel awful for him because it is said to be very painful. and being that he is autistic and has an extremly sensitive sensory system- I can't even immagine how much worse it is for him.

coming home also reminds me why I dislike coming home though. I almost never seem to see eye to eye with my parents. I've always had to fight my way into what I felt was best for me, everything. Maybe thats why I have such a straight forward mindset? No matter what, fighting to be allowed to play my senior year basketball season, fighting to go to college for the carreer i wanted, fighting to be allowed out of the house, fighting fighting fighting. I've been having serious chats with my mom lately about ink. She is still unaware that I have a tattoo. I know she would practically disown me. My father would pretend he only had three children. I told my mom to start accepting that, although I can not do everything myself, I'm still an adult. I pay for school, bought my own car, work two jobs, and stay out of trouble. I can make big girl decisions. One of my big girl decisions will be me getting a tattoo. And although you don't like them I do and because it will be for me it will be where i want it to be instead of hiding it out of fear of my parents. If it'll be permanent I will put it where I please. She did not agree but understood.

I told her today I want to get it soon. She gave me "the" face. And told me a better find a place to live. My aunt knows I have ink and totally disagrees with my parents. I think I may call her to see if I can live in one of her spare bedrooms over the summer. Hello East Hanover?

I was able to play with my favorite dog today, Madison. If you know anything about me which I am not getting into, you will know I've had many dogs my whole life, showed dogs, bred dogs, traveled the east coast working for handlers. anyways, Madison is amongst my favorite dogs of all time. When I sleep at home, she sleeps in my bed. I take her with me when I go to the P.O Box, pick up my sisters from school, or simply when I go for a walk. She has this undying spark of happiness and this silly attitude.

the drive was so nice today. I watched the highways and buildings fade to back roads and fields. I watched gray smog filled skies slip into hues of blues. I listened to landing airplanes hum right into songbirds. Apartments to diners. it made me miss home. late night diner romps with Karson for cookies and coffee. Sneaky sleepovers at Heathers with danny and bree, drinking ourselves silly. It made me think of the waterfalls, and walpack, and the trails behind my house. Once spring comes, its on. adventure that is.

well, here are some adorable snapshots of madison. and me minus the adorable part. love her.