hello insomnia.

for a change, this will be an unrelated art blog. instead i'm going to explain myself for the hope that it will do me some justice at this hour. three in the morning. more than exhausted but unable to sleep. welcome.

its three am and i can not sleep. once again insomnia is taking over my life. if it were up to me, i'd be on a plane to a place i've never been, in the car driving to see an old friend, at a park on a swing, the roof of my dorm, or my favorite childhood place; under the water tower. and oh god i wish i could sleep. i need it so badly, my body is almost weak. thirsting for it, my eyes closing at the brim. but unable. clearly unable. its not the falling asleep thats hard, its the getting to bed.

i am all about loving and enjoying and appreciating life. i find it beautiful in all sorts of ways. the paint peeling from old buildings, the smirks of shy children, the smell of rain on pavement, the connections between two people, getting lost for fun- all beauitiful elements of life. simple and enjoyable. and on top of really trying to value life, i want to live every moment of it. laughing, loving, and overall happy.

with that being said i can not sleep. or at least very often or very much. because i want to live life to the fullest, i feel sometimes that sleep is wasting it. i want to cherish each moment. by this point you probably believe me to be some obnoxious over optimistic person. maybe i am. but i look back and do not regret anything simply because i've enjoyed everything. and for me it has been an effective way of living.

and i'm nineteen. it would be normal for someone my age and especially in this generation to say "i've got a lot more time" but who is to say? i feel old now. i felt old at ten. life isn't about living as long as you can its about making the most of it while you can. did you just comprehend that? did you take it in. read it again. life is not about living as long as you can its about making the most out of life while you can. and thats how i feel. all the time. and sleeping is hard for me.

but there is one way i can sleep, and that is with someone. i'm not even sure why. i believe it may be because i am content spending my time with someone. i do not feel lonely or wasteful. thank god for nikki letting me sleepover so much otherwise i'd be a zombie. for real. but having someone in bed with me keeps me at ease in the hours i dream.

and perhaps that is what is missing in my life. i preach independence, and i show it as well. i am an ambitious, out spoken go getter -i work for what i want and get what i need. but maybe i am missing that connection with a person. maybe i need that link that helps allow this to all make sense. someone to visit museums with, to enjoy the beauty in simple things with, to raid every cafe with, to get tangled in the sheets with. but not just anyone, someone worth it.

am i right?







in the mean time, LOVE when my roommates leave for the weekend. windows open, fresh breeze, some tunes, just finished a beer, and sleepin nude. yeahhh!